First, let me point out the following:
- I had an averagely happy childhood.
- I grew up with friends no matter where I was — I had friends in Spain where I was born and I made friends in the UK when we moved here aged 11. But I was bullied in the UK.
- I held down good enough jobs once I finished university and learned how to work in a corporate environment.
- There were no huge challenges or traumatizing life events, thank goodness.
And here is the punchline:
My average life invalidated my issues.
Since there was no big struggle, I wasn’t allowed to have big problems.
I still managed to dive into the hole of insecurity. Anxiety was very present throughout my life.
And not everyone cared very much.
If I had a problem, I was victimizing myself.
If I complained about not being treated well by a colleague, I’d hear a comment about how at least I had a job.
If I was disappointed for not getting something I wanted and felt I deserved I was spoilt.
The point is, EVERYONE has problems, and because everyone is busy with their own problems, they really couldn’t care much for mine.
There will always be someone there to remind you that their problem is bigger than yours.
Have you ever been made to feel guilty because your problem was nothing compared with X, Y, or Z?
Have your issues ever been ignored or dismissed with a shrug or belittling comment?
I learned to focus on all those negative experiences and they ate away at my own self-esteem, bit by bit.
The key is that, yes, I learned that behavior, unbeknownst to me.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.” — Will Smith
Some people have the ability to brush off negative comments and not let them become anything more than that – a comment.
I was so anxious I let them rule my life. I had unintentionally trapped myself in a cocoon of pessimism.
And since I focused on those dismissive comments, I started questioning whether I was right to feel angry, sad, or scared.
I became insecure about feeling insecure.
And then, I felt guilty about it.
I’m not calling out everyone who was unsupportive and dismissive throughout my life. That’s not the point of this article.
I’m pointing out that we can’t avoid negativity altogether. It’s about dealing with that negativity. All my life I failed to cope with criticism. I thrived off praise and I felt like I needed recognition to feel worthy. So when I didn’t get it, I felt undervalued and, in the end, worthless.
That led me to focus on my shortcomings. I was paranoid about what others thought about me. I was blind to all the blessings in my life.
I felt wronged by the world.
If I woke up in a bad mood, I was determined I’d have a bad day, and low and behold, I did.
I repeat again, I learned to be negative. I built up years of experience from fear and self-doubt. I was pessimistic about all the aspects of my life and the people around me.
The idea of something bad is WORSE than the reality itself.
It finally hit me when I was heavily pregnant and overwhelmed with life. I was so stressed I was scared I’d lose the baby. I had no choice but to change my own mind.
I had no choice but to learn to be happy.
My husband told me so many times that being negative is a habit you build over time but it just didn’t click.
Until one day it did!
If I looked at negativity as a bad habit, I knew I could break it.
At the beginning of each day, I noted 5 things I was thankful for.
Admittedly, this didn’t make much of a difference at first because I didn’t really feel the gratitude behind my statements. It was only after a while that I noticed there were more than 5 things to be grateful for!
That’s when the genuine feeling of gratitude came. My first sign of progress.
I would thank the universe for my two legs, two arms, and two eyes. For the purified water I had the privilege to drink. And I actually felt happy that I had it.
“There is always something to be grateful for.” ―Rhonda Byrne
At the end of each day, I listed 5 good things that happened that day.
No matter how bad my day had gone.
I needed to go to sleep feeling semi-good or else the next day the negative cycle would continue. This also didn’t really have an impact on me until I had been practicing it for a while. But once I did, I couldn’t wait to write everything down!
Then, I found myself feeling grateful for things that happened right there and then. I started mentally thanking the universe for any positivity I experienced throughout the day. If someone complimented me, I’d feel grateful. If I got a discount with my lunch, I’d feel thankful. Soon enough, I was having more good days than bad.
I stopped this habit once because I’d had such a bad day I cried myself to sleep. This caused me to feel flooded with anxiety for weeks. My relationships were all over the place, I felt stressed and anxious at work, and I was miserable.
I learned that being grateful is something that must be done consistently, all the time.
Now, since it’s constantly on my mind as I go about my day. I know I won’t just slack off because it’s natural for me to now feel grateful. But this took a few months of writing everything down and not slacking off.
Gratitude, my best friend.
Have you ever had a friend who only got loud and comfortable with you over time? Has there ever been a perceived timid person in the group of friends who randomly inputs in conversation once in a while, but what they say is valuable and/or funny AF?? Have you seen how confident they are when given the chance?
Gratitude is my best friend. He didn’t talk much before because he didn’t really know how to respond to my negativity. He only reacted when I was happy, not sad. I started listening to him all the time and I realized how loud he can be when he’s comfortable.
Now, he won’t shut up!
He’s my shy friend, and he’s got me. Now he’s louder and clearer than any of my other personalized feelings, like Fear.
I would say I manage stress well. The skill is far from mastered but I start my day feeling happy every day, and that’s progress. I can’t remember the last time I woke up in a bad mood. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days like most people – I have a 15-month-old tornado of a son who challenges my mood every day! But had I not done anything about my mind when I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be enjoying motherhood and fulfilling my own potential as a person now.
I’m on a journey and I discovered that to achieve what I want, I need to be grateful for what I have — after all, at one point or another, I desired to have what I have!
For you.
Why don’t you start doing the same? I built this habit over time and now I cannot stop feeling thankful. Every time I complain my mind automatically counter-argues and throws me something good. It’s not a distraction, but it gives me perspective on what the important things really are. It keeps me focused, and I will not be distracted from happiness ever again.
Abracadabra — puke!
It sounds magical, and if you’re in a bubble of negativity already I can see how your instinct to this article might be to swat it like an annoying fly. Trust me, I was there too – I’m the biggest skeptic you’ll know.
This is why I’m writing about it — because I’m as shocked as you will be when you discover that this works!
Problems are relative. Simply by not giving your problems any negative attention at all, and by being thankful for what you have, they won’t look so bad.
Your mindset will be transformed and that’s when the solutions will start flooding in. Everything you do with that great feeling of gratitude will lead you to the solutions.
Gratitude has:
- Enabled me to love more.
- Improved my decision making as I’m not overwhelmed with the what-ifs of making the wrong decision.
- Deepened my relationships with the people I care about. I feel so loved, and I can’t believe I missed it even a little bit before!
It’s no secret. It’s just that over time we have become so consumed with the outside world. We have forgotten that to be happy we cannot depend on it. It’s only when we feel grateful that happiness comes from within, and then we bring happiness to the rest of the world.
There, your problems:
As if by magic, will be halved.
And what’s left won’t look so bad, really.
How corny and cheesy does this sound?
Trust me, my husband tried to tell me for years that feeling becomes reality and that gratitude would be my best friend. I treated this like gobble dee doo. But, I’m a convert, and I’m so glad I am.
So… what’s the worst that can happen when you try practicing gratitude?
Nothing will change. There is no way practicing gratitude will be worse for you.
What’s the best that can happen?
The world will really be your oyster. (Cheesy as hell, I get it, but it’s true!)
I know what option I’d take over and over again.
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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Matt Artz on Unsplash