How can a noun, one word, encapsulate an entire identity?
Dancer.
I attended dance classes from ages 4–18. I have danced on and off since I turned 19, but nothing was so immersive, so entirely enthralling as intensive classes 15 hours a week.
I never intended to become a professional dancer. I did not foresee how quitting something I’ve done my entire life would affect me. Once I stopped dancing regularly, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was always “the dancer,” but once I wasn’t anymore, who was I?
It has taken me 12 years to define who I am since I stopped dancing. It would have taken much less time if I had only trusted myself a decade ago. The underlying message here is to trust yourself. I won’t let you forget.
4 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’ve Lost Part of Your Identity
The answers to these questions will, without fail, reveal your core identity. We’re going to dig deeper than activities and nouns that describe your career. You are more than that. In order to do that, however, we must scratch the surface. Let’s begin.
What are you passionate about?
What do you love to do? Where do you love to be? The answers to this question may lead you to a career, they may not.
That’s not the point.
Here we’re defining what brings you joy.
I am passionate about dancing as an artform. I can indulge in this passion by watching dance performances, and taking classes within the community. I can enjoy this aspect of myself just for the hell of it. I don’t need to get anything out of it except joy.
I am also passionate about writing as an artform. I indulge in this passion by writing poetry, short stories, and nonfiction articles. I also revel in this passion by reading other’s work. I do, however, hope to make a career out of my writing some day. A passion I wish to turn into a business requires the grunt work any career entails.
But this article is not about finding your career path. It’s about finding yourself after a part of you has been lost. Trust yourself.
What have you always loved?
This question is similar to the one before, but this one reaches down to your core identity. What clubs did you participate in grade school? Did you read novels? Manga? Did you play video games?
The flute?
I bet what you loved as a child you still love today. If you’ve lost a part of yourself, you can find it in your childhood. Reconnect with that uninhibited, free spirit that still lives inside you.
Something you’ve always loved doesn’t have to be an activity you’re passionate about. It can be a place, a person, a moment in time. If what you’ve always loved is intangible, like holidays spent at your grandparent’s house, connect with the emotion you associate with what you love.
To this day, my grandparent’s house is one of my favorite places in the world. It always has been. The holidays, the movie nights, the bubbling stew on the stove.
What I love about this place is I felt loved there. I found a safe place there, and that’s part of who I am. I want to create the same kind of space for my descendants.
Can you see how exploring what you have always loved helps you find your core identity? What you loved as a child is full of pure intentions. It’s who you were before the world got to you, before self-doubt learned to speak. Trust yourself.
What would you do all day if you didn’t have to worry about money?
I am not going to tell you to quit your job and follow your dreams. That path is not for everybody because for some, to make their dream a job would kill their passion. I want to know what you’d spend your time doing after the thrill of hedonism wears off.
Would you paint, draw, or listen to podcasts all day? Would you play baseball? The guitar? The answers to this question aren’t meant to make you feel like you’re failing, although I definitely did when I was examining myself.
I felt like I was failing when I asked myself this question because my answer is I would write and dance all day. I knew deep down I was never going to be a professional dancer. I didn’t love it enough. But writing. That I can manage to do everyday, and if I work for it, all day, every day.
I felt like I was failing because I wasn’t being true to myself. I was filling my days with other activities because I was scared to write. I wasn’t trusting myself. Once I started to silence the self-doubt, what I needed to do was much more clear: I have to write, and I have to write often, no matter the return I receive.
Listen to your inner child, that purest part of you that lives for joy. If you’d play basketball everyday, but this isn’t a feasible career for you, there are options to explore ways to connect with this part of yourself. Play in a community club or coach your kid’s team.
You don’t actually need to do this thing everyday to glean good information from this question. The answers to these questions should be building you a full picture of your character. This next question may shake you, but once you have a solid answer, you’ll know who you are again. Trust yourself.
What is your belief system, and does it still serve you?
This is a sneaky two-part question. I’m not asking simply what is your world-view, but does it still speak to your truth?
If you are solid on your belief system, it still speaks to your most vulnerable parts, and it gives you peace, then you’ve already answered the toughest question about your identity. Awesome! If your belief system has been shaken and hasn’t quite settled yet, you’re not alone.
While you’re not alone in rediscovering yourself and your core beliefs, only you know which philosophies, world views, religions, etc. speak to what you know to be true. Trust yourself.
This is when I find it hardest to trust myself. I’ll be the first to admit that my world view has been shaken recently. I have held a very Pagan, Earth-centric viewpoint for most of the last decade. I have so much affection and love for the tools and stories I’ve learned along my Pagan path. I have found, however, that my consciousness is being pulled in directions that reach beyond the air I can feel and farther than the faintest star I can see.
Belief systems are alive and fluid, and they can be adjusted based on where you are in life. A new aspect of my fledgling world view is the unknown as a constant. The answers to my questions only herald more complex inquiries.
If you were raised in a fundamentalist environment and find yourself harboring thoughts of leaving that community, the questions of what is right and real can keep you awake for days. At least, I’ve lost sleep over these things. If this is you, I highly recommend the book Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, Ph. D. This book focuses on Christian fundamentalism, but is useful for anyone who wishes to leave their religion.
I know all the productivity gurus say to swallow the frog first, but I needed to save this tough question for last. When we start defining our belief systems, we start defining who we really are. You are what you believe.
Our belief system and world view stretches further than, “What is God?” Your world view informs you on what is justice, what is right and wrong. How should the economy function, and are you red, blue? Purple? Your belief system is the root of every action you take, so it’s extremely important to define it. Above all else, trust yourself.
I hope you see now that you are so much more than that clock you punch. Even if you make money from your passion, the work wouldn’t exist without you. You are a timeless, wise being that is embodied in human flesh. You make humanity sacred. Integrate your spirit into all that you do, and you’ll leave bread crumbs as to who you are along the way.
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If you enjoy my work, feel free to buy me a coffee 🙂
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Noah Buscher on Unsplash