How to Get Someone to Stop Bringing Up the Past — Over and Over

Repeating the Past

It was a handwritten note this time, and I found myself writing the same thing I had said many times before. The note would accompany a treasured book my ex had left with me, one I didn’t feel right keeping. And so it was going back, and I felt obliged to explain why.

I didn’t want to keep repeating the same explanations about why I felt too hurt to continue a friendship or maintain any contact at all. I wanted things settled — either settled up and fixed, or settled out and gone for good.

And then I remembered the last — and only — time in a relationship where I suddenly stopped bringing up the past and felt legitimately healed from the old wounds that had splintered us apart.

It was many years ago, but it was an unforgettable afternoon when a former boyfriend, trying to win me back, stopped by unexpectedly.

I had been bringing up the past a lot at that time, mostly to explain why there was no future for us, and why I was hesitant to engage at all.

He finally figured out how to change the conversation so we could move beyond our past.

That afternoon, in the bright, sunny living room in my home, he knelt and took my hand and said everything I had ever needed to hear from him.

He took ownership of his role in the past damage. He acknowledged that he had failed me in ways that were deeply hurtful to me. He owned his neglect and dismissal of my feelings when I expressed my hurt to him. He told me he wished he had handled things differently — and it brought him great pain to realize how badly his actions had damaged me and our relationship.

The validation alone was enough to bring me to my knees in tears. He finally saw my side. He got it. He acknowledged that I was right to feel as hurt and as angry as I had.

It was the single most healing thing that occurred throughout our entire relationship. That one moment resolved and dissolved years of past emotional trauma between us.

And it only took a few minutes.

I felt heard, understood, and respected in a way I had never experienced with him before.

From that point on, the way he engaged with me changed significantly. In fact, he had become the man I had always wanted and needed. My feelings mattered and were heard. He took me into consideration in a way he hadn’t before.

And it happened not because he felt obligated, but because he realized he was not proud of what he had done in the past and chose to change how he engaged with me. It came from that guttural realization that he wasn’t doing right.

He saw that I deserved better, and he chose to be better for me. Not because of me, but because he felt driven to be the man I deserved.

It was one thing for him to change his current and future behavior. It was a whole other thing to tell me what had driven it and why.

That was the healing I needed. I needed the past wounds acknowledged. I needed to feel restored from the old damage done.

When Past Damage Gets Dismissed

An old friend of mine had a boyfriend who kept texting and meeting up with a woman he proclaimed was just a friend. Because she didn’t know this woman and these interactions were all happening behind her back, she was livid. They broke up, and she struggled to heal from the insecurity and betrayal she felt from him.

He came back, and she took him back under the condition that he would delete and block this woman and end his friendship with her. She suspected this woman had designs on her boyfriend and felt she was a legitimate threat to their relationship. Between you and I, she was 100% right. The girl was definitely after her man.

So he agreed to cut the woman off, but refused to acknowledge that he had done anything wrong. He wouldn’t talk about it except to defend his case, arguing that she had nothing to worry about.

The relationship lasted another month, cycling through broken up to reconciled over and over and over. She had lost trust in him, and when the woman found a way to reconnect, he told her that his insecure girlfriend had forced him to cut all ties.

Every third day, this situation came up in some form or another.

And it was all because the past damage never got resolved and put to rest.

We put it to rest by facing the ugliest parts of it head-on and restoring the person by owning our part, apologizing, and validating their feelings.

She needed him to own that it was inappropriate for him to have a committed relationship with her while keeping a secret friendship with another woman. The lack of transparency was deeply concerning to her.

He still had a lot to learn about respecting and honoring his relationships, and he refused to see that his behavior was hurtful and confusing to his partner, even if it was entirely platonic on his end (or so he said).

And he spent the next year, to no avail, trying to win her back.

If you only do one thing

Even if I don’t entirely agree, I acknowledge why the other person felt deeply hurt. I feel it from their perspective. We simply need to feel heard and understood, and for our feelings and needs to be respected.

If you don’t do that, nothing else matters.

You can fix the future, but if you don’t address the past, the future will be paved with bitterness, resentment, and mistrust.

And nothing good comes from a foundation like that. If you fix the cracks and breaks in the road behind you, it will help prevent them from spreading to the road before you. ❤

…

If you find my advice helpful and have a situation you’d like support with, let’s connect for a free introductory call to explore if we’re a good fit for a coaching session. To book a free 15-minute call, click here.

I want to hear from you, and I’d love your reactions and input. ❤
And please help spread these ideas by sharing on social media! 🙂
Subscribe to my stories! | And check out Epiphany on YouTube!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.