Stephen March, an author and journalist who writes about culture, wrote in 2017 about the “brutality of the male libido.”[1] Of course, he got a lot of blowback for this characterization of men’s sexual desire. One of the things that is missed by those who focus on the “brutality” is that March was really challenging men to examine their own ideas about their own sexual desire and how it plays out in their relationships with women. This post is to help you examine your own idea about what sex means to you.
Testosterone (T) Is Not the Male Sex Hormone
Testosterone (T) is a chemical that occurs in both men and women. However, it has earned an oversized reputation for “causing” a wide range of characteristics typically associated with masculinity.[2] In fact, T has become a metaphor for masculinity. Some researchers have promoted testosterone as the chemical “essence” of masculinity. These earlier researchers were looking for a chemical substance that would identify what is “essentially” male and “essentially” female, i.e., T for men and estrogen for women.[3]
Well, that did not work because everyone has the same hormones. Yes, we have them in different amounts. And, yes, men generally have much higher levels of T than women. But, it might surprise you that T is the most abundant steroid hormone in adult women—and women actually have more T than the supposed “female” hormone, estrogen.
To classify T as the male sex hormone is to mislead us into thinking it is a hormone that only affects sexual performance. It turns out that T is found in almost all tissues. It contributes to a lean body mass, bone health, heart health, blood vessels, skin, hair, cognitive functioning, and mood, etc. in both men and women. [4]
Because men have more T than women, on average, we tend to assume it is more important to men. Not so. Surprisingly, T is the most abundant steroid hormone in women’s bodies, which is crucial for female development and well-being. A surprising thing is that T is necessary for the early phases of follicular development, which sets the stage for ovulation![5]
What T Does and Does Not Do
March seems to have the idea that T supercharges your sex drive in such a way that you cannot effectively manage it. You have seen the ads, often with an older sports figure, selling testosterone enhancers because they promise you more and better sex.
Sari van Anders, a distinguished researcher in the area, looked at low versus high T levels, reported levels of sexual desire, and how often the subjects in the study thought about masturbating (solo sex) or having sex with a partner. This research supported the idea that, while a certain level of T is required for sex desire, higher levels of T do not correlate with thinking more about sex—either solo or partnered. [6]
The traditional view that more T increases sexual desire is backed by what typically is found in animal studies and studies of men who produce extremely low levels of testosterone. The two general findings are:
- Men generally desire sex (not distinguishing between solo sex and partnered sex) more frequently than women.
- Men also produce more testosterone them women.
It is assumed that these two separate findings are correlated or causally related, resulting in the simple view that higher levels of T result in higher sex drive in men.
Current scientists know that the causal link between T and sex can go in the opposite direction.[7] Sexual activity can increase levels of T. In fact, there are many activities, such as exercise or getting a pat on the back from your boss, that have been shown to increase levels of T. In other words, T can increase in relation to a variety of stimuli, even non-sexual stimuli.
Van Anders has highlighted the need to differentiate between “solo sex,” and “partnered sex.” She suggests from her research that the desire to masturbate may be a purer measure of what we think of as sexual desire. Let’s look at a couple of other things that tell us about the difference between solo and partnered sex.
T and Fatherhood
Several scientists have established that T drops around 30 percent in fathers in the first three weeks after their child’s birth. Van Anders’s research on T and parenting and sex has found T is linked to competition and nurturance, which explains the lower T found in new fathers. Low T decreases competition and increases the fathers’ ability to nurture his newborn. Rather nice, isn’t it? Do not worry, your T level will be high enough for you to perform well in bed. [8]
T and Masturbation: Which Comes First?
The one thing van Anders found in her work that seems to fit the stereotype about men and women is that men masturbated more than women and reported more sexual desire (with a partner or solo). Women in her study reported less masturbation and less desire. This raises the question of which comes first, the desire for or the actual masturbation? Perhaps masturbation affects sexual desire, which then accounts for the difference between men’s and women’s reported sexual desire.
How to Be a Good Man Having Good Sex With Your Partner
Sex with your partner is an interpersonal activity. It is not solo sex. Duh. This changes things. Your sexual desire, your libido, need not be defined only in terms of levels of testosterone. Nor need it be defined as a drive that cannot be managed. While a certain level of T is necessary for sexual function, other things also will determine how well you function sexually in a relationship … an interpersonal relationship.
Relying on a flawed and/or an incomplete understanding of T will neither benefit you personally nor will such old, stale ideas enhance your sexual relationship with your partner.
One of the first things you can do is what you are doing by reading this post; and as Marche suggested, examine your own ideas about sex. Being self-reflective is not an easy thing, but it can be acquired. You may wish to look at the post I have written about men becoming more self-reflective.
Another fundamental thing to think about is the difference between a “need” and a “want.” Unfortunately, pairing the idea that I “need” sex with old ideas about sex as supercharged by T, making it unmanageable, will create problems in sex with a partner. Look at my post on why we must give up the idea that the things we want in our relationships, including sexual things, are “needs” that must be fulfilled—they cannot be demands.
You might also think about how pornography plays out in your sex life. Using pornography is typically solo sex. Couples therapists often hear women’s concern about their husband’s use of pornography, while husbands say it’s normal and that every guy does it. This issue should be open to negotiation between you and your partner—how pornography does or does not fit into your relationship. You can read more about this here.
Another thing that plays out in relationships is fidelity. In today’s world, fidelity must be something that is defined, discussed, and agreed upon by you and your partner. It is no longer a convention that we assume when we are in an ongoing relationship. Take a look at this post.
Personal insecurities always pop up in ongoing relationships. Use your commitment to self-reflection to get to know these vulnerabilities. As you can guess by now, I have written about how to do this. Take a look.
This entry is Part 3 of a trilogy of posts about sex—read it along with my two most recent posts:
- “Women, Don’t Take on the ‘Low Sex Drive’ Rap,” which talks about newer ideas about human sexual arousal and clarifies how sexual arousal works for women.
- “How to Negotiate Sex in Your Relationship.” Being a good man about sex means being willing and knowing how to negotiate sex such that sexual well-being is achieved together.
Partnered sex is great. Take the time to get really good at it.
References
1. Marche, S. “The Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido.” New York Times. Sunday Review. November 25, 2017. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/25/opinion/sunday/harassment-men-libido-masculinity.html.
2. Jordan-Young, R.M.and K. Karkazis. “Five Myths about testosterone. Washington Post. Octobr25, 2019. https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/five-myths/five-myths-about-testosterone/2019/10/25/df0fecee-f671-11e9-829d-87b12c2f85dd_story.html
3. Jordan, R.M. and Karkazis, K. (2019). Testosterone: The Unauthorized Biography. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
4. _____________ “Break this Down: The Social Myth of Testosterone” Bernard College, Columbia U. posted October 17, 2019. https://barnard.edu/news/break-down-social-myth-testosterone#:~:text=Women’s%2C%20gender%2C%20and%20sexuality%20studies,%2C%20Testosterone%3A%20An%20Unauthorized%20Biography
5. _____________ “Break this Down: The Social Myth of Testosterone”
6. Van Anders, S. “Testosterone and Sexual Desire in Healthy Women and Men.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 41, no.6 (2012) 1471-84.
7. Goldey, K.L. and S van Anders. “Sexual Modulation of Testosterone: Insights for Humans Across Species.” Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology. 1, (2014) 93-123.
8. .Storey, A. and K. Wynne-Edwards. “”Hormonal Correlates of Paternal Responsiveness in New and Expectant Fathers.” Evolution and Human Behavior 21, no.2 (2000) 79-95.
9.. Van Anders, S. “Testosterone and Sexual Desire in Healthy Women and Men.”
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Previously Published on Psychology Today
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