How To Make Friends During COVID

Making friends as an adult is difficult enough without COVID.

Throw in fear that human interaction will result in contracting a deadly disease and we are in a pickle, pal. A fiasco, friend. A conundrum, comrade.

We need social interaction for our mental and physical health. For example, loneliness is as detrimental to our bodies as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day or being an excessive drinker. Yikes.

So, how do you have a social life during a pandemic? You get creative. These are some tips that have worked for me, one-on-one coaching clients, and folks in my group courses.

1) Post On Social Media

This is my #1 tip for anyone who has either moved to a new place or is simply looking to meet new people. It’s the simplest advice I have and takes the least amount of time. It also requires a little chutzpah.

How do you make friends? You publicly let people know that you’re looking for friends!

This means posting on social media. If you feel resistant to doing this, it’s totally normal. Most people hold shame about feeling lonely or like their friendships aren’t strong enough. Yet the average person has not made a new friend in the past five years, and 75% of people aren’t satisfied with their friendships. I believe this is partially because folks aren’t brave enough to admit: “I’m looking to meet new people!”

Making the post is simple. Just use this template! I recommend doing this on Facebook, but any platform of your choice can work.

“Hey there, Internet! I’m looking to meet new people in (your city) who are interested in (interest one,) (interest two,) or (interest three.) Who should I connect with? Tag them!”

You can even get more specific and say what gender you want to hang out with and your risk tolerance with COVID.

People want to be helpful, and this post makes it SO easy to do that. All they have to do is tag someone! Within a day you’ll probably have a handful of folks to reach out to. The bonus is that they’ve already been vetted by someone you know. That means there’s less of a risk than connecting with a total stranger from the Internet.

2) Ask people you already know

Chances are, there are already some acquaintances in your life who you think are really cool. So why don’t you reach out to them? There are usually a few reasons:

You assume they’re too busy
You assume they already have enough friends
You assume they wouldn’t be interested in you

Well, you know what they say about assumptions. (In case you don’t, it’s that they make an ass of you and me.) Throw those ideas out the window! What do you want? Do you want badass friends who do awesome things in the world? Do you want to connect with folks who light you up and inspire you? Hell yeah! And you can have that, you glorious being! You just need to reach out.

Not sure how to do that? Here’s a sample message to send:

“Hey! I’ve been really admiring how you (thing you admire.)I think you’re a really (adjective) person and would love to hang out. Quarantine has helped me realize that I want some more wonderful friends in my life! And if you’re not available for that, no worries.”

Before you send this, remind yourself: if this person is not available to hang out with you, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have cool friends. It doesn’t even mean that, in different circumstances, they wouldn’t want to be your friend. It literally only means that they’re not available to hang out with you right now. That’s it! Graciously accept this and move on.

3) Attend The Right Virtual Events

Have you ever walked into an organized happy hour and immediately wanted to turn around? Yeah, those things are nightmares. It’s a bunch of people packed into a room, milling around, with no idea how they’re supposed to be interacting with each other. And it’s even worse if you come alone! You’re probably wondering, “How can I join someone’s conversation? What the heck are the norms here?!”

Well, virtual events can be just as bad if they’re not facilitated well. That’s a big reason why I curate gatherings for my newsletter, The Joy List. While they vary from poetry nights to speed dating to men’s circles, the common thread is that they include facilitated connection.

Not sure where to start? Here are the recommendations that I send to folks who are new to my newsletter:

Regardless of which of these you choose, you will have some great conversations. Then you have the option to continue your connection one-on-one.

If you’re not sure who’s in your area, simply put something like this in the Zoom chat:

“Hey! I’m loving connecting with everyone here. I’m looking to meet up with more folks IRL, so if you live in (your town,) I’d love to connect! Here’s my email: (your email).)”

Voila! New people to connect with.

4) Hang Out In a Public Spot You Love

Yes, you can still meet people IRL in a pandemic! You just need to know where to go. While this is easier in a city, every town has a place where lots of people hang out.

For me, this spot is Washington Square Park. It’s always buzzing with a mix of performance artists, students, and NYC old-timers. If I’m feeling lonely I’ll head on over there with a book and my journal, then read and people watch. Something interesting always happens just from existing in such a vibrant place. Sometimes this looks like chatting with a stranger while we watch someone play a baby grand piano. Other times it’s a conversation with someone who’s selling their art, or petting a cute dog and then interacting with its owner. Whatever it is, things just seem to happen organically when I’m in a place where there’s a lot of bustle.

The same thing applies to dog parks. If you have a floof already, you know this is a prime spot for meeting new people. After all, you’re standing there watching your dogs battle each other. You might as well talk! And if you don’t have a dog, ask to go with a friend who does have one. (Or be like me, break the rules, and go into the dog park solo. This is totally not allowed and totally a great way to at least pet cute pups.)

5) Work On Yourself

Here’s the hard truth: If it’s difficult for you to make friends, it might be because you feel like you don’t deserve them.

If that’s the case, no amount of talking to cool strangers will result in a satisfying connection. You’ve gotta work on your self-worth first! While that’s an entire blog post in itself, the biggest tool for boosting self-confidence that I recommend is therapy. Because to be honest, working on low self-esteem is some deep work that a professional should walk you through. My therapist of two years has changed my life more than anyone else.

If that’s not your jam, group therapy and 12 steps are also great options. Some resources to check out:

Adult Children Of Alcoholics(12 steps for children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families)
Talkspace (affordable virtual therapy)
Loveland Foundation (free therapy for Black women)
Black Men Heal (free therapy for Black men)

Further Resources