I Never Thought I’d Say This About Married Sex

When it comes to sex with my wife, I’m like Tim McGraw

‘I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.’

BUT.

The physical ACT doesn’t make me feel as connected to my wife

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to enjoy the intimacy that leads up to “THE Intimacy”.

I wasn’t always like that — I just wanted to have great sex with my wife.

But I’ve changed.

I’m a physical touch guy

So, I never thought I’d be talking about sex being more than what happens in the bedroom.

I love the flirtatiousness, the tease, a little leg here, a little shoulder there…(Sexuality to me, does include my eyeballs!)

But most of those physical touches and flirts don’t have to be — and most times are not — in the bedroom.

Even more, I’ve grown to love the hugs, the cuddles, spending time together, the touches, the kisses, checking in during the day, hand-holding, good conversation, back rubs, doing life together…that aren’t “THE SEX”.

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Great intimacy happens outside the bedroom

Dr. Kevin Lehman wrote a popular book called “Sex Begins in the Kitchen”.

I didn’t understand that when I got married.

But as I’ve matured, I realized he’s absolutely right… As husbands and wives…

You should be enticing
and encouraging
and loving
and drawing our spouses in
and building up sexual tension in a positive way
all day long… all week long.

Because sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

Great sex should be an overflow of the intimacy that you’ve cultivated with your spouse between sexual encounters.

The physical act won’t satisfy you long term

We spend lots of time thinking about, talking about and wanting a physical act that lasts a fleeting amount of time.

Did you know that most sexual encounters average about 5.4 minutes?

Let’s be honest.
5.4 minutes is NOT going to fully connect you as a couple.

I’ve realized this as I’ve gotten older.
(I’m a S-L-O-W learner)

You have to be Intimate Friends with your spouse

Here’s the deal: Intimacy has to be more than sex.

Howard and Charlotte Clinebell wrote a book called The Intimate Marriage, where they outlined the types of intimacy we all need in our relationships.

Emotional — sharing thoughts and feelings with one another
Intellectual — expressing ideas and concerns with each other
Aesthetic — taking in art and beauty together
Creative — having common goals and creating something together
Recreational — hobbies and activities you do together, or individually, that you then talk about
Work —Taking up a cause or ministry together. And sharing with each other the work you do individually
Spiritual — Developing your faith together, taking your relationship to a deeper more purposeful level
Physical — consistent sexual encounters as a couple

If you want good sex, which (if you noticed from the above list) is only ONE type of intimacy, you need to work on all the OTHER types of intimacy OUTSIDE the bedroom.

Intimate Friendship with your spouse includes sex. But isn’t just sex.

If you ignore your spouse for 10,075 minutes during the week, but then expect to create a passionate connection for those other 5 minutes, well, you’re gonna be out of luck.

If you’re not connected to your spouse before you have sex…
That 5 minutes of ‘feel good’ will make them feel used, instead of connected.

Great sex might not save your marriage, but great intimacy will

Intimacy is built outside the bedroom.
And once you’re in the bedroom, the intimacy overflows into great sex.

Sounds. Awesome.

Ok, so how do you do that?

Share your interests with each other.

Get to know one another on a deeper level. You realize that your spouse isn’t the same person you married on your wedding day, don’t you?

Share your interests with each other.
Get to know one another on a deeper level. You realize that your spouse isn’t the same person you married on your wedding day, don’t you?
Make laughter a priority.
Laughing with your spouse shoots positive opioids into your body. This makes you feel more connected.
Support each other’s dreams.
Your spouse has goals and dreams. Can you help them achieve them — and be their biggest cheerleader?
Practice “full body” listening.
Most of the time we’re only halfway listening. So make it a priority to set the phone down, turn off the TV and turn toward your spouse. Bonus points for (non-sexual) touching your spouse while you’re listening.
Take on a project together.
You don’t have to build a wall in your house, BUT household projects could be one way to spend time together.
Talk about the Big Three in your bedroom.
Frequency. Duration. Likes/Dislikes.
Time together is a must.
Did you notice that all these items include spending time together? You won’t have great sex and great intimacy if you are living independent lives.

How are you going to increase the intimacy in your relationship so you can increase the intimacy in your bedroom?

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About Stu Gray

Stu created the Stupendous Marriage podcast with his wife Lisa in 2010. They’ve been encouraging challenging and inspiring married couples ever since. Stu coaches husbands (and wives) on how to reconnect and keep going in their marriage when times get tough.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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