I Waited Four Years for an Avoidant Man to be Ready

Here’s what actually happened.

Every piece of dating advice I have ever read told me to leave.

“If he’s not ready after six months, he’s never going to be.” “You can’t wait for someone to want you.” “Love yourself enough to walk away.”

Reader, I did not walk away. I waited four years. And here is what nobody tells you about that.

1. He was an incel when we met.

Not the modern red-pill variety. The original meaning- a person who wanted to be in a relationship and wasn’t. In his mid-forties, he had quietly given up on the whole project. He had a sex buddy who flew in from the States occasionally. That was it.

This is the man I decided was worth my time.

2. He was genuinely kind.

This is where the story diverges from every cautionary tale. He wasn’t a project. He wasn’t a bad boy I wanted to fix. When we met, I was going through a rough patch and looked more like a trash can than a human being. He didn’t judge. He extended an olive branch for friendship and left the door open for when I was ready.

Kindness is underrated as an attractor. I am still a little embarrassed by how fast it worked on me.

3. I pursued him.

From day one. According to my mum, I was talking about him the same week we met. We wouldn’t start dating for another two years, but he had already left a strong impression. I made the first move and every subsequent move for a very long time.

Standard advice says this disqualifies the relationship immediately. Standard advice does not know him.

4. He was exclusive from the start, just not… official.

This is the part that kept me sane during the years when we denied each other’s existence to anyone outside his immediate family. He was faithful and consistent. He defended the relationship through storms I did not always understand. He simply could not say the word “girlfriend” to the outside world.

Someone who won’t commit and someone who isn’t ready yet are not the same person. I became very good at telling them apart.

5. I held the whole thing together.

Dates, activities, every calendar item with a name on it. The emotional administration of our early years was entirely mine. It was exhausting, and I will not pretend otherwise. But I had a theory — that underneath the avoidance was a person who had been alone for so long he had forgotten it was allowed to let someone in. I was betting on that theory.

6. He ran on potential.

Very early on, he told me he was non-promotable. I laughed because it sounded impossible. He was the smartest man in our office by a distance. Six years later, he has not been promoted, and he is also my Machiavelli. He plays a longer game than most people understand. I recognised that before he did.

7. He changed.

Not dramatically. Not all at once. Slow and steady, like someone who had not been touched in years and was gradually remembering it was allowed. A few years back, sleeping together was not really an option. Now he brings flowers for my name day — a holiday that doesn’t exist in his culture. He looked it up.

That is not nothing. That is, in fact, everything.

Not recommending this as a strategy. Four years is a long time to bet on someone. I had information from proximity that you cannot get from a dating advice column. I knew what I was working with.

The line between “he’s not ready” and “he will never be ready” is real, and most advice out there treats them as the same thing. They are not.

I found my guy early on. It just took a while for him to find me back.