While pursuing a girl two months ago, I asked one of my female friends for advice. After bombarding her with blocks of anxious texts and being an emotional mess, my friend simply replied, “isn’t uncertainty the fun part of dating?”
It’s natural to want to jump straight into a relationship with someone we like. Being kept in the dark about their feelings towards you isn’t fun at all. Who wants to sit in front of their phones, waiting for a response while over-analyzing each word of every text, in the meantime, unsure if they have reciprocal feelings?
But as a guy who’s been in this position far too much, I find it critical to keep a healthy mindset towards uncertainty. If not, you’ll go crazy. Even worse, your insanity will drive the other person away.
You can become overly attached
My pursuit for that girl did not end up well. As I later discovered through an article by Manj Bahra, I fell into the trap of cognitive dissonance. It’s the distress caused by two contradicting beliefs, which in this case, is whether someone likes you. Or not.
She kept sending mixed signals, enthusiastic to talk one minute, irritated the next. The mixture of hot and cold made me desperate. Even when she pulled away, the dash of hope gave me a reason to keep investing. Before I knew it, my head was occupied with nothing but her. It led to me sacrificing my dignity and acting apologetic around her. I later found out she was never interested in me. Even if she was, my neediness would’ve pushed her away.
This is what the anxiety of not knowing does to a person in love. Science says that our brains can’t tell the difference between nervousness and excitement. So I learned that instead of fearing unpredictability, it’s wiser to interpret it as a thrill.
Treat dating like gambling
Dating is like winning a huge hand in poker in the sense that the tension and ambiguity building up to the ending make it that much more satisfying. Yes, being unsure of someone’s feelings can eat away at you. But the suspense is actually what’s giving you the high. Would you rather skip the guessing and straight settle into complacency and comfort?
Imagine yourself in the movie ‘The Invention of Lying”, where nobody lies or covers up their feelings or lack of towards you. How boring would that be? What gives fuse to the beginning stage of dating is the element of surprise.
I’m talking to another girl right now, and although she’s much more responsive than the last, there are days where she pulls back and keeps me on my toes as well. Instead of overly concerning myself with her distant attitude this time, I choose to embrace the unpredictability. In fact, I prefer it. It’s a cat-and-mouse game that I’m mentally prepared for.
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You can either have fun with the guessing games, or let it make you anxious and needy. Since uncertainty is inevitable in dating, the latter makes much more sense.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Kev Costello on Unsplash