Mandy Brasher is worried public school may not be the best learning environment for her son, or for boys in general.
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For years we looked forward to meeting with our children’s teachers during the quarterly parent/teacher conferences that weren’t obligatory but instead a way to pat ourselves on the back for being attentive parents. Our daughter was always described as bright, well behaved, helpful, and willing to take direction, which was not surprising because she was all of those things at home. Being the oldest, she took on responsibility with ease and was eager to please not only her parents, but her teachers as well. When our son started kindergarten, my husband and I were concerned that unlike our little girl, he couldn’t sit in one spot for longer than 45 seconds. “That’s how boys are.”, people would comment as he did front flips off the couch and ate dinner while pacing around the kitchen table. While my daughter found enjoyment in hours spent sketching in a notepad, our son couldn’t sit long enough to finish one coloring page. We knew that public school could present a problem for him, but we placed our bets on the fact that because we did activities with him at home and allowed him to get out his energy in other ways that he too would excel in school. We could plan on having twelve more years to enjoy his teacher’s nod of approval.
While my daughter found enjoyment in hours spent sketching in a notepad, our son couldn’t sit long enough to finish one coloring page.
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The first three years in the educational system was fairly painless for our son and he became a voracious reader, as well as a child that his teachers described as helpful and sweet. He received high marks in all subjects, tested well, and had no behavioral issues at school. When he entered second grade, mornings became a problem. He didn’t want to go to school and was often irritable from the moment his feet hit the floor to the moment he begrudgingly flopped out of the car in the school parking lot. He complained that school was boring and that he hated sitting at his desk all day. We met with his teacher, addressed our concerns, and were relieved to hear that once he was in the classroom he didn’t exhibit any of the behavior we saw at home. However it did concern me that he was beginning to complain about being bored in school and I worried that his inability to sit still for 6 hours would prove to be an issue as he got older and had less opportunity for physical activity. When he started school this year, my husband and I assumed that our son would continue to have a positive experience, void of any major academic issues. Unfortunately that was not the case.
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The first issue that was brought to our attention was that our son was being bullied by one of the children in his class; he was being teased for liking rainbows and being one of the smallest boy in his grade. We addressed our concerns with his teacher and we were told that it was just “boys being boys” and that our son was instigating the problem as much as the other boy was. I wasn’t there to witness the issues between them, so I took his teacher’s word. The next issue came when we received his midterm grades five weeks into his 3rd grade year. Our son was getting a D- in all subjects including reading, yet he was reading at home consistently and completing all the assignments that were sent from school. I emailed his teacher and received no reply. At the parent teacher conference, his teacher informed us that our son was apt to not pay attention, that he wasn’t finishing his work in class, and that he was frequently not on task. The grades he received were based on unfinished work and test scores, yet the test scores made for an interesting dichotomy. While we were told that he wasn’t paying attention or finishing his work, he received 90% or above in every subject that he was tested in. The grades reflected worksheets and projects that he wasn’t completing or assignments that he neglected to hand in. While I believe he should be held accountable for not finishing work, I was confused as to how he was getting such poor grades when he clearly understood the material. When I spoke with my sister about my concerns she said something that struck a nerve, “He’s bored with the work because he already understands it. That was my problem in elementary school, too.”
…teachers are grading not on test scores alone, but on behavior. And it starts as early as kindergarten.
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I’m not suggesting that I’m raising a genius, but it seems to me that if a child tests well and isn’t finishing assignments perhaps the problem does not lie solely in the fact that the child isn’t trying hard enough. I also believe that many public schools take issue with children who haven’t mastered the skill of sitting for hours on end and I think boys seem to reflect that behavior more frequently than their female counterparts. Acting out, not paying attention, and being unable to sit still are behavioral issues that have affected boys and their grades for years. In a great op-ed piece in The New York Times, Christina Hoff Sommers addresses this issue in depth and raises the question that I have been struggling with; why are boys who test as well or better than girls getting lower grades? The author points to a study that proves that teachers are grading not on test scores alone, but on behavior. And it starts as early as kindergarten.
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As a parent who believes in public education and holds teachers in the highest regard, our experience this year has opened my eyes to underlying issues with my son’s education. At our last parent teacher conference, the second in three months, our son’s teacher described him as unfocused, prone to fiddling, and unable to finish assignments as requested. She suggested that she keep him in for recess and PE time if he wasn’t completing assignments and I was appalled. The very last thing our son needs is less activity in the confines of a school that requires hours and hours of mindless busy work. The answer to his restlessness and bad grades seems less to do with him being a bad student and more to do with him being a misunderstood boy who may need to be challenged more and given opportunities to actively learn. I’m not sure we can find that in public school.
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Photo: pawpaw67/Flickr
First things first, I am a school psychologist working in a large public middle school. I agree with everyone when they say that public schools need to change. The vast majority of teachers I work with and provide consultation to desire to learn the skills to know how to teach better (particularly to boys). They recognize that they are not meeting the needs of the boys in their classrooms, but they don’t know how to do things differently. 1) Advocate for your son(s). Teachers may not understand at first and they may be defensive. But don’t let that stop you.… Read more »
As mother of two preteen boys, grades 3 and 6, I can tell you regular public school was not for us. We had these issues with our oldest, which prompted us to find alternatives. We found a great, smaller school where he thrived and was happy, but for my husband’s job, we had to move to another state. Instead of the typical ‘buy a house in a good school district’ I went all into research mode to find another good private school for them. Then I saw this K-8 all boy school and was skeptical at first but decided to… Read more »
We’ve been through it all with our second son. The year always starts with hopeful, encouraging parent/teacher conferences, then they go downhill as the year goes on and teachers get frustrated with him. He (of course) picks up on it and” beats them to the punch” by writing them off as mean or not liking him. Every year the cycle repeats. He’s in 7th now and the stakes are getting higher. We’re considering homeschooling as well b/c the stress that comes from pulling him through school is spilling all over our family life and we need to make a change.… Read more »
I now have a 14 year old who was in private school until 5th grade but tested in to a public school program. He hated private school, did not get along with the other boys in his small class, many of them seemed uninterested in learning. He is now excited to go to school and has been involved heavily in theater, debate, student government, a rock band, and now robotics. Perhaps it comes down to the individual child or the state cirriculuum as opposed to it being about girls experience versus boys. I’m not really sure where the idea comes… Read more »
My son’s school experience sounds identical to yours but for two factors: he’s only in kindergarten and he’s in private school. His teacher often sends work home for him to complete or re-do because he wasn’t able to focus. it’s very difficult to know if he truly has an issue or school requirements are so much more demanding – of boys especially – these days! I am thoroughly confused and worried!
I’ve had a very similar experience with my 2nd grader this year – diagnosed with ADHD because of his fidgeting and inability to sit still or control his nonstop (disruptive) chatter. I just think this is how boys are at this age – they should be running and playing, not sitting for 6+ hours in a chair. My son cries in the mornings and says he hates school. Yet at night he begs to read more books with me. This is so not what I wanted for him at all. I also have an 11th grade boy who is barely… Read more »
This could have been written word for word about my son, except, the teacher wouldn’t agree to a conference and I was only able to speak with her if I called after the school day and through the office when she had no way of knowing. Our end result has been homeschooling for my 5th grade son, who we were being told test into the 10th grade level during test.
Hey Mandy,
I am publishing a similar article on The Missing Education of Boys tomorrow morning. I have to agree with everything you state here–public education is failing our boys. Thanks for your article. Kozo Hattori
Better put together some money and send your son to a private school. Many public schools fail boys and they are designed to.
Your description sounds like you are talking about my son – except for the reading part — the story is identical. I agree the education system is bad.