Marriage, Kids & Valentine’s Day: A Match Made in the Fiery Pits of Hell

For Parents, some holidays are harder than others.

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My mind has shredded the memories I had of what it was like to be single on Valentine’s Day and pretty much every other day of the year. Mostly. It’s always disheartening to see posts on social media or hear conversations from people who are single during this Hallmark, chocolate covered, diamond ring buying holiday because really…they aren’t missing much. You hear that, single folks, YOU AREN’T MISSING ANYTHING!!! Do you really want a prince/princess on a white horse (aka white Toyota Camry) to sweep you off your feet on February 14th, whisk you away to Olive Garden for a three hour wait, be gifted a glittery card with kissing lamas on the front, and then be on the hook for a decent blow job? Really? You are missing that in your life?

Hallmark really knows what I like on Valentine’s Day.

The deal is…Valentine’s Day never, ever, ever, forever never, looks the way you think it will once you find that one special person to spend your life with. Not the first year and not any year subsequent to that year. Regardless of whether you have kids, dogs, chickens or a herd of baby iguanas, you and your significant other will undoubtedly have your special heart day hijacked. Either by a babysitter issue, dog vomit, a chicken eating raccoon, or the surprise of a dead lizard in your heating vent. It will happen and more likely than not, it will happen on the one day of the year when your expectations are high, your wallet is empty, and you would rather swallow a tire iron than spend the evening with the love of your life.

Valentine’s Day is one giant disappointment, wrapped in expectations, and sprinkled with crushed up cow patties. “But the candy hearts and the love notes and all those people getting engaged to other wonderful people.” No. The candy hearts aren’t that tasty, the love notes are usually overcompensating for something that happened over the past year, and those people who look overjoyed to be planning a wedding with their soul mate have never been married to someone who shits with the door open and eats chips like a fucking neanderthal.

You’re eating chips? I love you, but I’m going to have to kill you.

Here’s a list of what you CAN expect to happen on Valentine’s Day if and when you find the love of your life. Or you can stay single and vow to never mingle.

-If you didn’t make your Valentine’s dinner reservation three years earlier, on the second Wednesday after a full moon, then you are fucked. You will wait four hours, get shitty service, and overpay for a dessert that was $4 yesterday, but today will run you about the same price as a Super Bowl ticket because the chef added a chocolate heart to the top.

-If you have small children and a lack of relatives nearby, you should have scheduled your babysitter approximately a month before you made your dinner reservation. All babysitters are booked, out on a date, or avoiding your phone call. I guess you should have made that reservation for four, assholio.

-If you wanted a good present from your significant other, you probably should have bought it yourself. Wilted roses, boxes of unidentifiable chocolates, and jewelry from Walmart that even your 80-year-old grandmother wouldn’t wear…these are the treasures you can look forward to pretending to like. Or you can stay single and buy yourself a bottle of wine, an ice cream cake, and those new yoga pants you have been eyeing in the Athleta catalog. Decisions, decisions.

-If you really don’t feel like having sex (as per usual), this is not the best day to relay that information to your lover. Remember how you didn’t purchase them a gift because you were going to dress in sexy lingerie and get a little down and dirty in order to save yourself a few bucks? Well the gig is up, hot stuff. No headache in the world is going to get you out of this required sex day, so you might as well guzzle that boxed wine and take off those Bugs Bunny pajama pants because you, my friend, are getting laid. Note to single people: You can actually turn yourself down for sex today or give yourself a quick diddling session before you start that Friend’s marathon. You lucky dog.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Don’t say I didn’t warn you, motherfuckers.