The late NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” When Kobe lost, when he failed, that gave him what to work on next. There were the haters, the talking heads who pointed out his flaws, where he stumbled, his weaknesses.
In that bigger picture, others contribute to who I become, including the haters. Haters keep me on the path. Sometimes, the hater is me. Just saying. I look within myself. Work on me, not on others.
When I failed in Program Review Rehearsal delivering my System Requirements charts, Management said that I was a weak presenter, that I needed to improve my speaking skills. When that occurred, I was so pissed. When I got over myself, I looked at what I had to do, what I had to give up. I swallowed my pride. I looked to develop some skills as an effective speaker.
I enrolled in Toastmasters to learn the Art of Public Speaking. I got that I was a horrible public speaker. That was my zero, my starting point: I sucked. I just trained. I put in the work. My dear friend John King was my coach, my Sensei. John was a renowned keynote speaker and business coach.
John got me to trust that the words coming out of me were true. Giving a speech was simply telling my story to one person at a time, whether I’m speaking to 5 or 500 people. So, I practiced. I put in the time preparing and delivering speeches. I got good at public speaking. I loved doing it, too
When I was about 10-years old, Dad yelled at me, “You’re just like her (Mom)!” No, Dad wasn’t giving me flowers. He meant that I was weak, weak like Mom. I listened to the hate. I sentenced myself to being no good.
When I grew up, Dad was constantly angry with me for what I did or didn’t do. I never knew exactly which. Dad was completely disappointed in me. If I was perfect, didn’t make any mistakes, maybe then Dad would love me? Maybe?
As a little boy, I didn’t get that was an impossible pursuit. At the time, I really didn’t know any better. Just saying.
About 30 years ago, I began training in Aikido with the late Mizukami Sensei. Sensei said, “Just train.” I didn’t have to get somewhere or be someone else. I could just be me. Sensei created the space to succeed, fail, and learn from both. For the first time in my life, I was free.
Sensei said, “Taking a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free.” That wasn’t just about iriminage (clothesline to the head) technique for the attacker punching. In the bigger picture, I trained to be uncomfortable for what’s important, for what’s meaningful to me.
I took the glancing blows in reinventing my relationship with Dad. As a frightened little boy, I remembered Dad yelling, “You’re just like her.” You’re weak. You’re no good. I listened. I got it. I let it go.
On our annual July Alaskan fishing trips, I sat beside Dad on the boat on the Kenai River fishing for king salmon. Dad was now the weakened old man, doing what he loved to do most on Planet Earth: fish.
No longer the scared 10-year-old who was an utter disappointment to Dad, I was his protector. Dad was under my watch. Although he never had my back when I grew up, I had his now. I had love and forgiveness for Dad. I created space for Dad to be the best version of himself. I loved Dad.
In the bigger picture, there will always be those who will hate on me, those who give shade. I listen to the hate, whether deserved or otherwise. I take what’s useful. Discard what’s not. I work on being the better man. I do what I need to do and give up what I must to become the greater person. I practice humility. I stop hating on me. O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome myself.
Let haters hate. They contribute to what I need to work on next. I just train. I work on myself, not others. I’m grateful for those who always have my back, those who inspire me to be the best version of me. Amen. Amen.
***
Support The Good Men Project on Patreon to help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: iStockPhoto
