Do you know a man who automatically suppresses his emotions?
There are many out there. One might almost say this is the normative state of men. If you do then it is likely he fears shame and judgment for these irritating emotions and that he is in a constant state of internal conflict trying to manage this. It has been so since he was little… Boys don’t cry! Man up! Grow a pair! These are some of the overt and subtle messages that make up the fabric of his emerging masculinity.
Some of his manifestations may be that he shows no emotions to the other men in his life. It is not expected. That the women closest to his world, his mother, sisters, wife and his daughters; crave an emotional connection with him that is rarely, if never seen. His sons look to him for the template to their own emerging masculinity.
For this emotion to come, he must dismount the ‘white horse’ of strength he has cultivated. He has been placed upon this stallion by internal and external expectations. Up here, it feels comfortable and safe (albeit quite lonely).To move from the stoic and to begin to expose his deepest thoughts, dreams and feelings require tapping into a vulnerability that can be as unfamiliar and uncomfortable as walking naked through a public space.
To compound his boyhood of ‘suppress your emotions’ issues; popular media only gives him two options. He is either to be the hero who has it all together, all the time. The one who is on top of everything, and that regularly needs to saves the day. Or else he is a blithering idiot. The fool, a weakling and often humiliated. He cannot be ’that guy’ He must remain on his ’white horse’ at all costs.
Unfortunately, he has limited strength to maintain this facade. It is, after all, not natural to continually suppress your emotional self. If he is either knocked off this most tenuous position of strength or, if he chooses to step down from it. He is so ill-equipped to process genuine emotion; it often scares the people who are so desperate to connect with him, those that have always taken solace in his strength and stability. He has no skill in this expression. His emotion often presents like a tsunami, carrying himself and those around with him. It is safer for him to remain emotionally disconnected. His loved ones are once again robbed of the depth of relationship they could have with him.
For other men, their emotional intelligence is so immature that they draw from their primal instinct. They hide behind their facade and behave completely inappropriately, often driven by urges and impulses. Women (wives, sisters, mothers & daughters) have withstood the worst of this with everything from sexual and physical abuse to emotional neglect.
A societal shift is needed. Please! Our little boys need to be free to express and explore their masculine range of emotions with safety and guidance. Our little boys deserve to be allowed to feel love and to learn how to express it. Our little boys need shame removed from their core and not to be made feel like their emotions are bad or wrong. Without a healthy expression of emotion, our future men are doomed to keep the cycle going.
—
Previously Published on Elephant Journal
—
