Let’s Talk About the Reasons Why Women Are Choosing To Stay Single for Life

Over the last month, I’ve spent hours on the phone with Bella, trying to give solutions to calm her marital storms, which, have been ongoing for over a year now.

Just when there’s a semblance of peace and harmony, things blow up again, and we’re back to square one.

When you’re a friend, you try hard not to say the dreadful words,

“I told you so.”

Because that never helps anyone. And the last thing you want to do to someone already drowning, is say something that will sweep them deeper into the torrents.

The storms in her marriage started too early before she could immerse herself in it. It’s probably why she dismissed my idea to walk away before more harm was done.

The other day, she talked about how great her life was as a single woman and gave examples, most of which we will discuss here.

And though I’m in a loving marriage myself (it’s my second one, so yeah, it wasn’t always the case), and I’ve lived as a single woman for nearly a decade, I totally get why women are choosing to stay single for life.

…

But First, Let’s Dismantle What Society Gets Wrong About Single Women

The idea that single women are unhappy.

Why? They say that marriage is the gateway to a happy life.

We all have an auntie Ella who makes it her business to ask when the single cousins are getting hitched. This is the notion that until you’re married, you’re not happy, or whole, or “there yet.”

Yet the sad part is that the very people who push you to get married are in miserable relationships.

…

Society hasn’t really warmed up to the truth that some women actually prefer singledom.

Though your friends might mean well, there’s always this tendency to “save” you from a life of flying solo.

If they aren’t trying to hook you up with their neighbor or the guy from work, they’re trying to cajole you into joining a dating app.

Some even think you carry some hidden trauma or something because simply being a single female seems too suspicious.

…

That singledom alienates women from the community/society.

Back when I was single, I almost stopped attending parties entirely due to the awkwardness that developed when I walked into a room with married people.

People were always looking to see who I was there with. At times there were questions about why I was single. Then there were the married women trying hard to keep their husbands on a leash.

Quite frankly, we can’t blame any of them.

How can we when we’ve been conditioned with the idea of coupling for so long? It’s been drummed in us that we must be in a legally bound, heterosexual, monogamous relationship to be socially appropriate.

Because of this, there’s a misconception that single people are lonely and alienated from society.
Yet this couldn’t be further from the truth.

There’s proof that single people are not only more socially connected than their married peers because they have time to commit and devote to others, but they also provide more practical help and emotional support to their communities.

…

Photocredit : iStockPhoto.com

Now to the Meat and Potatoes: Why Women Are Choosing a Lifetime of Singledom.

Some women feel dragged behind by being in a relationship.

When you’re in a relationship that you intend to make work, you’ve got to go all-in, right?

But when you’ve got to spend quality time together, entertain his friends, or accompany him to run errands, you can’t help but think of the thousand and one things you’d rather be doing like reading a book or attending a class.

It feels like you have to sacrifice things you aren’t prepared to sacrifice.

That’s why I get it. This is a huge price to pay for many women out there, especially those working on empowering themselves.

Statistics show that 46% of women are enrolled in universities compared to 36% of their male counterparts.

Education doesn’t come cheap.

So if you have to work so hard for your degree and meet the high cost of tuition, only to have to give up some of the things that come with pursuing ambitions, marriage can feel like an enormous sacrifice and burden. It’s not something many women are prepared to offer.

…

Some women value their independence more than companionship.

What happens when these women graduate and find jobs?

They want to be independent enough to travel for work. They want the freedom and flexibility required to build companies, which means spending lots of hours working.

They’re unwilling to let their hard work go down the drain by becoming wives or moms.

Obviously, there are a lot of moms who wear multiples hats, and we can only applaud them for that, but for the majority, this is tricky business.

…

Some women are asexual and unromantic.

Until recently, everybody thought every man was interested in a woman and vice versa.

And while people are now opening up and owning up to their sexuality, we’re still overlooking the truth that some people are asexual.

Men and women alike.

For me, this realization made so much sense because I know a woman in her late forties who has been single since I knew her almost two decades ago. There’s never been the sight of a partner in her life, and I’m only starting to realize she might actually feel no attraction for anyone and isn’t turned on by sex.

This type of woman will not touch a relationship with a ten-meter pole. She’ll find fulfillment and contentment outside a relationship, whatever that is.

…

The hustle for the kids’ upkeep is tough.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen divorced women hustle for their kids’ upkeep from their ex-husbands’.

You’d think providing for their offspring would come naturally, but it never does for so many men.

A friend was recently in this sticky mess and had to spend more money with the lawyers to get what her kid deserves. So you’re not only dealing with the emotional turbulence, but you also have to watch as your limited cash goes down the drain.

Most women don’t want to go through this, so they’ll get babies through a sperm donor and go happily on their way. Others will opt for adoption and keep it moving. Essentially they’ll make a family with no male in the mix.

…

Remaining childless makes life easy for women.

Then, of course, more women are choosing to stay childfree, which means they don’t feel the need to have a man strapped to their arms.

Statistics show that the cost of having kids has and will continue to rise. If you throw in global warming, rampant mental health issues, and high medical care costs, having kids becomes a massive burden that many women aren’t willing to bear.

Of course, the debate about remaining childless continues to rise, with many people citing selfishness. But for this type of woman, it doesn’t matter.

As long as she can provide for herself, have a tight circle of friends and find fulfillment in her passions, she’s good to go.

…

Too many men aren’t willing to work on themselves or put in the work in the relationship.

While it’s true that women do drop the ball in a marriage allowing themselves to get rusty while the man advances his career, the truth is that many men don’t work on themselves aside from their professional life.

Look around, and you’ll see many men whose star is rising.

They’re climbing the corporate ladder, and the dough is rolling in. But, tell me how many of these men are also working on themselves.

How many are looking after their bodies?
How many are seeking to love and understand the person their women are becoming?
How many are attending their kids’ tennis games? Exactly.

Women are having to step up and fill those cracks, and it’s taking a toll on their well-being.

You only need to see how haggard most moms look to see how badly this affects them. What do single women do when they see this trend? They duck out of this marriage game.

I can’t blame them.

Can you?

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***