Life as an Avoidant Must Be Miserable

Every person has their own book and ways to deal with emotions and situations, that’s probably one of the reasons life is so unpredictable and why each person has a different experience.

I can’t help but wonder how sad life for an avoidant must be. I’m aware we should respect everyone’s lifestyle, but how does someone go through life missing so much?

There’s a difference between not being an expressive person to being completely disassociated from your feelings. It not only makes it harder for them but also for the people who want to be part of their lives.

Avoidants only know instant relief.

Peace is the best state of mind and I doubt an avoidant knows how it feels completely.

Being an avoidant means there are a lot of things that don’t have closure. If they get themself into a conflict they probably will do anything to not deal with it properly, ignore it until disappears or just pay small attention which leads to something that doesn’t have a solution.

That surely will give them a safe pass for that moment, but what about afterward? Don’t they feel that something is pending?

I firmly believe is better to deal with the situation at the moment and don’t pill it under the rug cause that leads to much worse. It’s like this giant snowball that goes bigger and bigger and then the day you least expect it will roll you over.

It happens with avoidants too, they shelter themself on instant relief by ignoring situations without thinking about how that will affect them later. It feels like they are doomed not to know the peace that comes with dealing with things on time before it gets messier and more complicated than it should be.

They push people away even when they want them near.

It’s the irony that triggered me in this case, pushing people away that you want near just because you are afraid or feel some sort of vulnerability, I could understand it but not to the extent of actually loose someone you care about just because you don’t know how to be near them.

I’m the biggest fan of having your own space, people do need time on their own but what if that is all the time and there’s no space left for anyone to be part of your world?

People crave the same attention they usually give, it must be drained for a person to give the attention to an avoidant who only will give them back when they want to and don’t feel in danger, which might not be on the times of needs of the other person.

That’s why they are loners, they might have a few friends low maintained and who they can see on a determined time and are used to enough to not feel like they should run, but it sure is hard as hell to have a partner.

They don’t know how to have a partner.

In any relationship people get hurt, from the best ones to the worst ones, the difference eradicates whether an effort is made to fix things afterward and do better.

Relationships take a lot of time, work, and mostly resolution of conflicts, how to meet halfway is something that avoidants don’t know how to do, they will just avoid the whole thing, giving their partner all the reasons while feeling bad internally or just disappearing.

I dated an avoidant once who validates all these points, in fact, he used me as an example for it. Sometimes I sit back and start to remember all that happened during that year and from this perspective it surprises me that it lasted that long, probably because I thought with patience he would change, and he needed someone who stuck beside him, who showed him he could be vulnerable, ultimately I show him that but it cost me.

It was an exchange while I gave him peace and space, he gave me anxiety and imbalance, by avoiding important things in a relationship.

He did what he did the best, disappear, and I was left with a million questions and a bittersweet feeling. Mostly feel sad about how things ended when all need it was an honest conversation not a void with a lot of inconclusive thoughts.

I grow out of it and move past it but I’m sure it has to be miserable for him to look back and think about it, cause one thing is for sure even though they act like things don’t affect them or don’t have feelings, they do.

Going through peoples life’s leaving things without closure because they are unable to face things must be a nightmare in a long run.

By not being vulnerable they miss the greatest things in life.

Vulnerability feels like a threat to them and I know a hundred times we said we wish we didn’t care or feel less than we should because with caring comes also non-so pleasure feelings like sadness, anger, and disappointment and of course, it’s an amazing thing to be an avoidant when this are the feelings you are avoiding but what about the greatest feelings, how does life feels when you shut yourself to the good ones too?

To have experiences that make us enjoy life we need to be prepared to embrace the difficult ones too.

To love deeply we need to know there’s a risk of losing love, grief, and sorrow but people do take a chance on that because mostly the good things will make worth it the bad ones.

It’s sad to think avoidants only will know just one part of it if they don’t work on themself, being in the middle of never comprehending an emotion completely.

People are giving up on them.

As much as we want to be part of someone’s life, we cannot if they continuously push us away.

It’s a challenge to be part of an avoidant life, people are giving up on them not because they don’t understand it but because nowadays we need things to be reciprocated.

It’s not only about how they might feel but what about how we feel? I for once give up on them, and I don’t mean some of them aren’t people worth having in your life, but I don’t have the energy anymore to validate someone’s feelings while mine haven’t been taken into consideration.

It is easier if they relate with people who are just like them, won’t need much attention, will avoid conflict the same way, and won’t need to be vulnerable however that’s not what they seek, ironically they look for people who are the opposite.

Those people who are vulnerable and try to relate with them end up leaving sooner or later, and if someone who’s vulnerable and cares deeply can’t have a relationship with an avoidant, who can?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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