In a 2013 survey of U.S. citizens, 50% of respondents said they consider themselves optimists. Only 4% said they were pessimists. How do they pull us down so far if there are so few of them?
When I first began my career I had the pleasure of working for Alice, a woman who became my mentor. She has long since retired, but we continue to get together on a social basis. While I love her dearly, she is exhausting to be around! Now that she and her husband are retired, she complains incessantly about him, saying this isn’t how she expected retirement to be. She says she wishes she’d die because all of her friends have passed on and she doesn’t have anyone to talk to. It is true her life-long friends have passed on, but she refuses to go to the community center to meet new friends. Her son calls her every Saturday to chat and she complains that he only calls on Saturdays. ”Since when do you have to have an appointment to talk with your own son? Why can’t he call on a Wednesday sometimes?” I think that’s pretty cool of her son. How many grown men call their mother EVERY week?
I’ve tried to sympathize with her but she says I’m being condescending. I’ve tried to suggest solutions to her problems, but she rejects them all as not an option. I’ve tried to model an optimistic attitude but she calls me Pollyanna. The older she gets the more pessimistic she gets. When we worked together she saw the glass as half-empty, but now she sees it as 95% empty!
She was draining the lifeblood out of me. I had to get some coping tips from the experts.
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The first thing I was told is that it’s unrealistic to expect the Pessimist will change so I have to reduce the effect pessimism has on me. Here are the five tips I’ve found most helpful.
When they begin spewing pessimistic comments, focus on yourself rather than the pessimist. Pessimism is a reflection of the pessimist, not of you. Don’t try to persuade the pessimist with upbeat comments. They’ll be rejected and you’ll become more exhausted. Let them have their say about their view or opinion and acknowledge it without debate. For example, when Alice complains that her son only calls on Saturdays, rather than saying, “I think it’s nice he calls you every week,” I now say, “I don’t see it that way but I respect your right to your own opinion” and change the subject.
Don’t make their problems your problems. Whether you are comparing yourself to an optimist or a pessimist, chances are the way they solve a problem is likely different than the way you solve a problem. It’s just a matter of degrees. Another optimist’s solution would be more similar to your solution. Rather than becoming frustrated that the Pessimist doesn’t even try to solve their unhappiness, think of their solution as purposefully deciding to do nothing about it. That in itself IS a solution.
Think of 3-5 things you love about your life, you’re looking forward to or have brought you tremendous joy in the past. When the pessimist starts to bring you down, mentally focus on those 3-5 bright spots in your life. Plan what they are ahead of time so you know “where to go” when you start to feel down in the presence of the Pessimist.
What do you like about the Pessimist in your life? Alice was a fabulous mentor to me. She would take me aside after big meetings and point out body language that had happened in the meeting, just to make sure I “didn’t miss it.” At budget time, she would help me prepare my budget and make suggestions like, “hold back 2% because they’ll come back and ask you to squeeze a little more profit out.” She would ask me for my input on decisions and debate me on my answers, just to help me learn how to think about things with a business mind. As you look at the Pessimist in your life, visualize them in the environment you admire about them.
Resist the desire to cheer up the Pessimist. When you do this you are rewarding the Pessimist for their negative thoughts. You can be compassionate though by saying something like, “I’m sorry this is difficult for you.”
If you have a Pessimist who plays a large part in your life (relative, work colleague, friend) and your efforts to change them/make them happier haven’t worked, maybe it’s time to change yourself instead – for your own sake.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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