Love Expert Reveals Why Women Are Addicted to Toxic Men

In the ongoing search for emotional connection and marriage, many people — mostly women — often find themselves in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships.

Logan Ury, a well-known behavioral scientist and expert in love dynamics, has explored why some women are drawn to men who are often labeled as ‘toxic’ or harmful, which leads to more pain than happiness in these relationships.

In an open conversation with podcaster and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett — host of “The Diary of a CEO” — Ury explained the psychological reasons behind this attraction, as detailed in her book “How to Not Die Alone.”

She combined insights from behavioral science with practical advice, explaining why harmful men appeal to certain women and suggested ways to break these harmful patterns.

Bartlett, known for creating thoughtful discussions with experts from various fields, provided a great platform for Ury to share and explain this often misunderstood topic.

With millions of listeners, the show expanded the reach of Ury’s ideas, resonating with those observing such unhealthy relationship patterns.

The appeal of toxic men

According to Ury, the attraction to harmful men is mainly due to two psychological factors: the misleading appeal of intense chemistry and relationship patterns formed by insecure attachment styles.

Below is a detailed look at her findings on why some women repeatedly choose partnerships that end up being unsatisfying.

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1. The “spark” is often misleading

One major reason women are drawn to harmful men is what Ury calls ‘the spark’ — an exciting, immediate connection that, while very compelling, often isn’t a good indicator of compatibility.

This quick spark, she explained, might fill the relationship with excitement and passion but rarely leads to a lasting and healthy partnership.

The chemistry in these harmful relationships usually involves high emotional stakes, unpredictability, and a constant sense of uncertainty. These factors create a thrilling chaos, often mistaken for love or compatibility.

Ury suggests that this excitement is wrongly seen as a unique connection, when it’s actually the result of an unstable relationship without real emotional harmony.

Ury pointed out that the ‘spark’ can sometimes lead people toward relationships that are far from ideal. By confusing brief chemistry with true compatibility, they might set themselves up for repeated disappointments, often ending up with partners who are unreliable, emotionally distant, or even disrespectful.

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2. The anxious-avoidant trap

An important factor Ury examined is the role of attachment styles in romantic choices. Studies on attachment theory show that people interact in different ways based on their early experiences.

Ury highlights the anxious-avoidant pattern as particularly relevant when it comes to attraction to harmful men.

In this pattern, one partner often feels anxious and constantly craves emotional closeness, while the other avoids closeness to maintain control.

This creates a cycle where the anxious person always seeks reassurance, and the avoidant partner keeps things unstable. For those with an anxious attachment style, this pattern is incredibly captivating and hard to break free from.

This anxious-avoidant dynamic is common among harmful partners who show inconsistent affection or attention, increasing the other person’s anxiety and intensifying the attraction.

In this situation, the anxious partner might become more committed to the relationship, trying hard to win over the avoidant person, which raises the emotional stakes even more.

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3. A “slow burn” vs. instant chemistry

Ury explains that many women, influenced by media and romantic beliefs, think that the most exciting relationships come from an immediate, strong attraction.

She argues that true compatibility often looks very different from the romantic images seen in movies and books.

She advises against chasing people who bring instant excitement and suggests focusing on what she calls a “slow burn” — a relationship that doesn’t rely on immediate attraction but is built on consistency, respect, and reliability.

In these relationships, attraction and affection grow over time, creating a strong foundation for lasting partnerships.

This “slow burn” method, as described by Ury, offers a healthier alternative to the ups and downs typical of harmful relationships.

While it might lack the immediate thrill associated with the appeal of “bad boys,” it leads to a more satisfying and stable connection in the long run. For those used to harmful patterns, embracing a slow burn relationship can be challenging but offers significant benefits over time.

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4. Self-worth and vulnerability

A key part of breaking away from harmful attractions, according to Ury, is understanding one’s own self-worth.

Harmful relationships often damage how people see themselves, creating a cycle where they keep seeking approval from partners who withhold affection.

The rare moments of validation in these relationships seem extremely valuable, making it hard to leave despite the negative aspects.

Ury stresses the need to recognize one’s inherent value and to be open in healthy relationships as crucial steps in breaking the cycle of harmful attraction.

By stopping the effort to prove themselves to unreliable partners, individuals can build connections with those who appreciate and respect them. This approach fosters an environment of mutual trust and openness, which is essential for any healthy relationship.

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5. The “happily ever after” fallacy

Ury also discusses the widespread myth of “happily ever after,” which suggests that finding the perfect partner will solve all personal problems. This illusion often leads to an obsession with finding the ideal mate, making harmful relationships more tempting.

Contrary to this false idea, Ury explains that relationships require mutual effort, compromise, and a shared commitment to grow together.

She notes that people often feel they must be perfect to attract love, which can cause them to overlook potential partners who might be truly compatible but don’t fit their ideal image.

Moving beyond toxic relationships

In her talk with Bartlett, Ury emphasized the importance of recognizing the tempting nature of the “spark” and understanding attachment styles as first steps toward escaping harmful attractions.

She believes that self-reflection can reveal recurring patterns, like consistently choosing emotionally unavailable partners, helping people avoid similar situations in the future.

By shifting the focus from fleeting chemistry to lasting compatibility, Ury suggests prioritizing shared values, mutual respect, and qualities that support a stable, enduring relationship.

She highlights the importance of self-kindness and self-worth as the foundation for healthy relationships, enabling people to avoid partnerships that harm their well-being.

For those familiar with harmful dynamics, Ury highlights the importance of being open with trustworthy and supportive partners.

She encourages building openness with people who consistently show respect and reliability.

Ury recommends adopting a “slow burn” approach in relationships, seeking connections that develop over time, enhancing compatibility and depth rather than chasing immediate excitement.

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Takeaway

Throughout her conversation with Bartlett, Ury shed light on the hidden reasons behind the appeal of harmful relationships, especially the strong pull of intense chemistry and the patterns of anxious-avoidant attachment.

Her research-based perspective offers a new way to understand why some people repeatedly choose relationships that end up being harmful.

For those determined to break these harmful cycles, Ury’s advice offers a practical way out.

As Ury emphasizes, real connection comes from building a relationship that offers safety, support, and satisfaction — a path that, while requiring patience and strength, provides much greater rewards than the short-lived thrill of the “spark.”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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