Marriage Takes A LOT of Work: Do You Even Know What that Means?

For those that follow me, you know my marriage is far from perfect, we have been together for 35+ years, married for almost 27 of those and no we are not perfect, not even close.

Six years ago it all came crashing down, we had been struggling for a few years and all of a sudden we were broken. As I sat there picking up the pieces of the shattered dreams that once seemed so certain, I realized that I had not a clue what I was doing!

I started picking thru blogs, and Instagram posts, following people like The Angry Therapist, and reading everything the Gottman’s ever put together. I studied Esther Perel, and literally everyone else I could find that seemed to have any sort of clue what it takes to build a beautiful, lasting relationship.

The first major lesson I learned was that I had absolutely zero idea what I was doing!

Taking what I knew and trying to build a strong relationship was like taking play-doh and trying to make a time machine!

I had taken a blueprint of what it meant to be a man, husband, and father and tried in my own way to make it a little better. What I didn’t realize is that taking what I knew and trying to build a strong relationship was like taking play-doh and trying to make a time machine!

I quickly realized that I had NO idea what I was doing, with so many conflicting versions of what it meant to be all of those things, I was lost.

I also knew that I wasn’t the kind of man that would walk away from his family, and some days it took having “Runaway” on repeat to remind me that:

But I won’t be no runaway
’Cause I won’t run — The National

So if you are reading this and you find yourself in a relationship that is not everything you ever imagined it would be, what are you going to do to make it better?

There is a line in the movie “The Ref” where they couple is fighting in the therapists office and Caroline says: “How can we both be in the marriage and I’m miserable and you’re content?” And Lloyd responds “Luck?” Its one of many of my favorite lines from that movie but it is also a total lie.

The reality is that if you are unhappy, your partner is at best feeling the unhappy and at worst also unhappy, and if you keep doing what you have always done you will always get what you have.

Three Things you can start doing today to turn the tide of your troubled relationship:

Get curious! Get really curious about your partner, like you did when you first met. When we are with someone long enough we start to think we already know them and we stop being curious. But nobody stays the same, you surely haven’t! So get curious, learn to ask questions about their dreams, their goals, and new passions.
Stop waiting for them to change. Couples on the whole seem to be struggling from an abundance of ego. “I’m fine, they are the one that needs to change/grow/be different” is an attitude that grows from the ego which believes you can’t be wrong. If you look at your relationship and it is not 100% of what you want, do the work and bring that change to help revitalize your relationship.
Be honest about where you are. Not in a negative “I’m miserable and want a divorce” kind of way but in the way that shows your partner that you are indeed still in love with them AND you want the relationship to be better. Sentences like “I miss the closeness we used to have, do you want to work with me to find that again?” go a lot further for enrollment than “I’m miserable”.

There are so many great resources that speak to so many different issues that arise over time in a any marriage but reading them and incorporating the lessons into your life and relationship are always two completely different things.

Get Curious!

Start to educate yourself!

Invite your partner in to grow!

Its an honor to work with couples from all over the US and a great opportunity for me to share what I have learned in a way that helps save marriages, families, and friends! If you are struggling schedule a free 15 minute call and lets see if we are a good fit for each other.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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