Men: If You’re Interested in a Woman, Be Chill but Warm

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This piece was inspired by a recent article from Christina Lane:

I like that article overall. But there was one part that felt off to me:

Neutrality is what you are aiming for. Not super excited, because she is a total stranger. Not negative or low effort, because she will just feel like it’s not a good idea.

I wrote the following comment in response:

I get the concept of not coming across as super excited on the one hand, nor being negative or low-effort on the other, but “neutral” isn’t sitting right with me. I’m a married man and therefore “off the market”, but when I’m out & about and cross paths with a woman, I’ll smile at her. Partly to let her know she’s safe around me, but also because I know how a smile can be like a ray of sunshine. It’s a warm smile, and the vibe I feel myself giving off is something like “I’m at peace and feel good about myself, and I have an abundance of positive energy to share without requiring anything in return”. More often than not, the woman will smile back, and when she doesn’t, I don’t take it personally; I just get on with my day. If I were single, that’s the kind of energy I’d want to bring to approaching a woman. Detached from the outcome, but still warm and positive. To me, “neutral” sounds cold.

That brings me to the concept I alluded to in the title of this piece: being both warm & chill. The “warm” part is about sending her positive energy to make her feel good. It’s about bringing a ray of sunshine into her day. The “chill” part is about not projecting neediness or desperation. It’s the willingness to just get on with your day if she doesn’t show any interest in you. It means not trying to get back at her by saying something like, “You’re not that hot anyway! I was just trying to be nice!”.

Let me expand on what I mean by warmth. If you’re familiar with my work here on Medium, you know I write a lot about making a woman feel good when she shares her body with me. But even in non-sexual interactions with a woman, I still enjoy making her feel good (without necessarily trying to move things in a sexual direction).

Let me share a personal anecdote. I’m at a bank, and the teller I’m working with happens to be a woman. Her hair is covering up her name badge, so I ask her her name. I like to know service people’s names, because calling them by name acknowledges that they’re a person and not just someone who’s there to serve customers. Anyway, she tells me her name is Wafa. I smile and say, “Oh, that’s a pretty name!” She smiles back and thanks me. And then I remember going to high school with someone named Wafa who was Lebanese, so I ask this Wafa if she’s of Lebanese ancestry. Well, you should’ve seen the way her face lit up! It turns out that not only is she of Lebanese descent, but I’m the first customer ever to guess that (most customers assume she’s Latina). Now, as a happily married man, I had no goal beyond making this a pleasant interaction between us in our roles as bank teller and customer. But seeing the positive effect I had on her felt good!

I hope you can see how different this is from simping. I’m not expecting a woman to reward my kindness with love or sexual favors. Just seeing that I brightened her day is reward enough, and even then, I’m not attached to that outcome. Even if I seem to have had no positive effect on her, I haven’t lost anything by putting positive energy out into the world. And my custom of freely giving women warmth while being detached from the outcome has led to hot, passionate, sensual relationships with women when I least expected it.

This goes back to what I said earlier about projecting a vibe that says “I’m at peace and feel good about myself, and I have an abundance of positive energy to share without requiring anything in return”. It’s a bit like the vibe Alec Guiness’s Obiwan Kenobi projects in the original Star Wars: warm and kind with a ready smile, but not because he expects some kind of validation in return. His warmth and kindness flow from inner strength, wisdom, and calm. In his climactic duel with Darth Vader, Kenobi’s former apprentice tries to intimidate him: “Your powers are weak, old man!” But Kenobi is unfazed: “You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!” Do those sound like the words of a man who’s desperate for validation because he doesn’t believe in himself? Or do they sound like the words of a man who knows himself well and possesses a strong sense of purpose?

As it turns out, knowing myself and having a strong sense of purpose has been key to my own feeling of inner peace and abundant positive energy to share.

It’s important to note that my sense of purpose doesn’t require a woman to love me or want to share her body with me. (The same can be said of Kenobi’s sense of purpose as well.) It’s not that I don’t want those things; I very much do. It’s just that I know I’m capable of leading a fulfilling life even if it has to be without them. And that’s what makes it easy for me to enjoy my interactions with women without being attached to the outcome.

Now, if I enjoy making a woman feel good even in the most mundane of interactions, imagine how much I enjoy making a woman feel good when she’s sharing her body with me!

I honor her as a fellow human soul by celebrating her body — both for its beauty and for its capacity to bring her pleasure. And I don’t see that as a chore; I revel in it. I find it intoxicating. And the pleasure I experience is beyond intense; it makes “hit it & quit it” look like a sad joke.

Why am I telling you this? Because it too can help you be both warm and chill with a woman you’re attracted to. As I wrote in the story linked below:

I’ve seen with my own eyes how my empathy combined with my passion combined with her sexual pleasure is one of the best gifts I can give a woman. (Incidentally, this is why I don’t see vibrators or other sex toys for women as competition; those can give a woman sexual pleasure, but they can’t give her passion or empathy.)

Knowing that you can give even the most alluring goddess a beautiful experience in bed — one that’s about more than just physical pleasure — is a very effective defense against thoughts like “She’s out of my league”, “I don’t have a shot with her”, etc. Keeping those thoughts from getting to you makes it easier to stay chill around a woman you find attractive, and that in turn makes it easier to give her warmth. And if you can be warm & chill with a woman who’s accustomed to men being too intimidated to even approach her, won’t that make you stand out in her eyes?

Something to think about.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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