When I was 11 years old, I was so mercilessly bullied at school that I wanted to die. Actually. There was a group of boys in my class who took it upon themselves to make my life a living hell, and were not content until they had broken me completely. It was no laughing matter. Picking on me was like a school sport at my school.
I remember one day being pushed over in the cloak room and landing on some kid’s school bag, smashing his lunch box. The boys concocted a story about me, saying I had deliberately jumped on the school bag, and dobbed me in. We were all sent to the office where the group of boys regurgitated the made up story to the deputy principal. The deputy principal — Ms Carr was her name — always wore pink high-heeled shoes, a black skirt and a leather jacket. Ms Carr looked down her nose at me and said, “What have you got to say for yourself?”
I told her that I hadn’t jumped on the bag deliberately at all — that I had fallen on it by accident. For some reason, I didn’t tell her I had been pushed. I think it was because I knew that dobbing on these boys would only make it worse for me later. Well Ms Carr looked at me incredulously. She said — and I’ll never forget it — “Well, we will just have to speak to the sport teacher to get you some extra lessons in coordination.” And all the boys laughed. And I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t do that in front of the group.
After that, I didn’t want to go to school anymore. Couldn’t stand the place. I remember one day, lots of days probably, I pretended to be sick. My mum had a rule that you could only stay home from school if you were running a fever. She stuck the thermometer under my tongue and left the room for a moment. I whipped the thermometer out and stuck it against the light bulb in my bedside lamp to heat it so it would look like I had a fever — a trick I learned from watching the movie E.T.. It worked. It worked that day at least. Mum wised up pretty quick after that, but it still didn’t stop me from trying.
Understandably, my parents were concerned and so they decided to talk to a really old guy from the church, a guy named Ralph — but I could never call him Ralph. He was too old and wise looking and I was 11. I called him, respectfully, Mr Spinks. My Mum and Dad asked Mr Spinks if would be willing to have me over once a week, after school. You see, Mr Spinks had in his back shed, the most amazing workshop complete with every woodworking tool that you could possible imagine. It was boy heaven.
Mum and Dad hoped that going to Mr Spink’s place after school would be incentive enough to make me want to go to school. And it worked. And so each week after school I would walk to Mr Spink’s place. There, he would spend time with me, talking to me, teaching me how to use the tools and to make things out of wood. Not only that, he gave me a place where I felt safe, a place where I felt good about being me and, at that time in my life, I had nowhere like that.
Ralph Spinks was my first mentor… the first significant adult, outside of my own family, who would have a profound impact on my life. Although I haven’t seen him or heard anything of him for 25 years, his legacy in my life lives on, and so does the furniture I made with him.
If you don’t have a mentor, you need one. Here’s why. People who have a mentor:
- Are 55% more likely to complete university
- 130% more likely to end up in leadership positions in their careers
- 56% more likely to volunteer in the community
- 46% less likely to use illicit drugs
- 26% less likely to develop alcohol dependency
- 45% less likely to develop a depressive disorder
If that’s not enough, Mentoring has been linked to higher self-esteem and self-confidence, stronger relationships with family and peers and improved interpersonal skills. If you have a mentor, you are less likely to get divorced. If you have a mentor, you’re more likely to succeed at work.
And I could go on and on and on about mentor. Whatever stage of life you are in, you need a mentor! Not only that, you need to BE a mentor. The benefits of mentoring are now so well-established that back in January 2017, then President Barack Obama declared that month, “Mentoring Month.” He made video to highlight the point:
Cool video, yes?
If you’re new to mentoring, or even if you’re not, you might ask yourself, what does a good mentor look like and what do they do? As someone who has been involved in mentoring for a long time now, I decided to create a checklist to help people both find a good mentor, and be a good mentor. Here is what is takes:
A Good Mentor has More Experience than You
A mentor needs to be someone with more life experience than you — an older person preferably. Your best mate isn’t a good choice. A mentor is someone who has already been through, survived, and come out the other side of whatever period of life you’re in, and knows a thing or two about it. In fact, you should pick an older person who you think… “Gosh, when I’m their age, I hope I am like them.”
In a way, a mentor should be like a spiritual parent — no matter what period of life you are in. Ralph Spinks was a parent type figure (maybe more of a grandparent), but this was important. He knew things I didn’t know. He taught me skills I didn’t have. He’d lived through things I hadn’t. He had life experience to offer me and that is what a mentor needs to bring.
A Good Mentor is Your Greatest Cheerleader
A good mentor sees the best in you and they tell you so. They encourage you. Often. They can easily find what is good in you, when you can’t find the good in yourself. Don’t get a mentor who just wants to correct your flaws. They will exasperate you. My current mentor, a guy called Greg, is easily the most encouraging mentor I’ve ever had. He always has a knack of spotting specific things I do and say and telling me… “Dan, I loved the way you did this,” or “Dan, you’ve got a real gift in this area.” We all need to hear this stuff. Encouragement is like wind in our sails. Therefore, your mentor must be your biggest cheerleader.
A Good Mentor Keeps You on Track
Not only do they see the good in you, but a good mentor will also keep you on track. A mentor is there to remind you of your goals, and to keep you moving forward. They also keep you from getting ahead of yourself. They don’t just praise you up and tell you how great you are. They kick you up the backside when and if you need it — probably when, not if. Which leads to the next point…
A Good Mentor Speaks Hard Truth
A good mentor is not afraid to speak hard truth. I remember my first mentoring session with one of my mentors, a guy called Michael. Michael starting our mentoring sessions with these words… “Hey, if you want a cuddle, I’m not your man!” Michael was the one mentor I had who was a straight-shooter — he would tell it how it was. Sometimes you need that in a mentor. Pick a person who is going to be honest with you, even if it hurts a bit. You know it will be for your good in the long run.
A Good Mentor Sticks With You
A good mentor shares your grief and your joys. They are there for you through tears, and celebration. They walk with you through valleys, and climb with you up mountains. They aren’t just riding your success train, only to get off at the first sign of trouble. A good mentor will stick by you until the end, sharing your highs and lows along the way.
A Good Mentor is Secure in Themselves
A good mentor doesn’t need you. Sure, they are there for you, but they aren’t insecure about the relationship. They don’t get offended when you don’t take their advice, and they can they aren’t trying to turn you into a clone of themselves. When I mentor people, I don’t want them to be like me. No. I want them to be better than me. Much better. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I want them to do much great things than me. I want to take them as far as I can, and then step out of the way, so that they can step up.
What Next?
I could go on and on about mentoring all day! Honestly, I think that mentoring is the single greatest gift you can give to the next generation. I think that you’re crazy if you aren’t mentoring someone and I think you’re crazy if you don’t have a mentor. So, I want to wrap this article up with a call to action. Hopefully I’ve convinced you about the benefits of mentoring so now here are three things you need to do to get your mentoring journey started.
- If you do not currently have a formal mentor, then start actively seeking one. Use this list to seek out someone who you think might be good and then ask them if they will do it. A mentor is not just someone you admire or look up to or aspire to be like. It must be a formalized relationship where they are equally committed to you.
- Secondly, become a mentor to someone remembering that an age gap between you and them is the best approach. If you’re 15, why not mentor someone in elementary school? If you’re 25 why not mentor a teenager? If you’re 45, why not mentor a young married person? Look around and the younger people in your life and ask yourself, “Who can I invest in?” We should both have a mentor, and be a mentor.
- Finally, for those who already have a mentor, or have had a mentor, when you have finished reading this article I want to encourage you to give honor and thanks to your mentors — the people in your life who have invested in you, who have given you hours, who have allowed you into their world to learn how to live, even to learn from their mistakes. Get in touch with them and say thank you!
This is not mere rhetoric. It’s something that I decided to do myself. Mr Spinks deserved to be thanked! But, Mr Spinks seemed ancient when I was 11, so I had decided, since it’s been 25 years, that he certainly would have passed away by now. Just to be sure, I sent a message to my Mum to ask if she’d seen or heard anything of him. She said she thought he had passed, but she would ask a few people. After a few dozen messages, we found Ralph Spinks… alive and well, and very, very old. I didn’t waste any time. I wrote him a letter and sent it off straight away!
Dear Mr Spinks,
I am delighted to have tracked you down! This week I have been reflecting on the influential men who have made an impact in my life. You are most certainly on that list! In fact, I would even go so far as to say, you were the first adult, outside of my family, who would have a profound impact on my life.
You may not have been aware of it, but the period when I would come to your house and work in your workshop, was a particularly hard time in my life. I was being fairly mercilessly bullied at school, struggling to fit in, and hopelessly down a lot of the time. Coming to work in your workshop gave me gave me a place where I felt safe, a place where I felt good about being me and, at that time in my life, I had nowhere like that.
The hours that you spent with me, talking to me, and teaching me woodwork, made such a big difference. I want you to know that I still have various things we made together, and consider them all very precious… the bedside table we made now sits proudly next to my son’s bed. I used the step ladder we made to get his ball down off the roof just the other day.
However, far more precious to me than the items that I have in my house, are the lessons you taught me that are contained in my heart and mind, and the legacy of the investment of care you have sown into my life. Thank you, Mr Spinks, for being a mentor to me, a caring, adult companion for a companionless child. I can’t thank you enough!
I needed a mentor back then, and I still need one today. The difference that it makes cannot be measured in words. Get a mentor and be a mentor! You’re missing out if you don’t.
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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Talk to you soon.
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Photo credit: istockphoto