Unbreak my heart
I watched this eye opening TikTok video the other day (late and on Instagram like any respectable 30 year old) where a lovely girl in her 20’s was showing the difference between the ‘getting ready routine’ of a 20 year old vs. a 30 year old woman.
On one side you see the 20 year old with loud music doing her make up while sexy dancing to whatever new song is currently on top of the charts, on the other you see a 30 year old with a glass of wine listening to some self help guru talking about calming down anxieties and reciting affirmations while wearing eye patches.
As I was getting ready for bed with a face mask and Matthew Hussey on the background explaining why ghosting is an ending (no, there is no mystery behind it, it’s an easy way to leave you), I realized I was well in my mid 30’s and that the TikTok video was a bit too literal for my liking.
Quick relationship status update: likely single, but still pretending he will pull off some huge gesture for my birthday on Sunday and magically realize he cannot live without me.
I wrote a beautiful love email to this guy I have been dating for the past 3.5 months (which for London standards is a full blown relationship), saying let’s go all in baby. I am here, I will catch you, I see you, I choose you. If you choose me too let’s give it a go.
Fundamentally, I am 35 (I want to say this out loud for a few more days) and I am ready to build, family and kids included in the equation alongside a beautiful home. He is 32, with a brand new barely-started startup which has the potential to become a unicorn in no time. He could care less about a relationship.
In his self proclaimed list of priorities I have in fact assessed I come in seventh:
- His startup
- Himself
- His mother
- Cycling and other sports
- His wider family (sister and dad)
- His peace of mind and alone time
- Me but with a few (in his words) parameters he has yet to assess to make sure I am worthy of this n.7 position. Me in function of the fact that I am a positive in his life, if I bring any kind of additional stress to his life then I’m off the list.
He never said them all at once obviously, I have been able to gather this list just now, a few months into it, by making a collage of everything that he mentioned in random conversations and messages.
Yes, I did the sensible thing
Once I received his s%*t email back to my beautiful love letter, with bullet points detailing why he wasn’t really sure he should jump in or not, I called my closest friends who (apart from one who suggested I give him clarity with a final goodbye) told me NOT to reply.
To be clear, after my email I suffered a 10-day ghosting process which included NYE, which was supposed to be a time we shared together until he decided not only he wouldn’t ask what I was up to.
Number of f/&ks given: zero.
No NYE wishes, nothing.
Not a word. Instead he followed a bunch of Instagram wannabes with fake everything and very few cm of cloth on their butt.
This all from the guy who asked me if I was a virgin before touching me (he clearly does not have access to my blog).
In full blown desperation, I did what any sensible woman would do: move on.
A woman who is also:
- a professional coach
- an amateur serial writer about love
- a responsible adult who’s done extensive work on herself.
I kept myself busy, I went to NYE with two of my best guy friends to Paris, I genuinely didn’t even think about him.
I wrote posts about endings, about managing heartbreak, about moving on. I truly embodied that concept of moving on. To be fair, compared to my previous breakup I wrote extensively about, I felt so much better.
Noted improvements:
- A little less attached to the guy (I went in much more fearful with heart still on the mend and with a lesser death wish)
- I kept my eyes open
- I saw the love bombing coming my way when he still had no idea of who I was
- I communicated what I need/I asked for what I wanted
- I was ready for an ending when needed
All good, you probably think.
Nope. In truth, I feel like crap 70% of the time.
Is it better to be ghosted or to receive an email with zero clarity?
10 days into the ghosting process, when I had finally moved on, it arrived: the reply I had so vehemently attempted to forget I was waiting for.
Surprise surprise, it said absolutely nothing. It basically said that unfortunately he would love to give me clarity but that he doesn’t have it either. There is also a note on how he felt uncomfortable with the version of ‘me’ I had showed him while undergoing hormone treatment for egg freezing, in the middle of a mini-family crisis.
I thought I would finally have closure, answers, instead I am at the same exact spot.
About gaining closure
Closure is not something someone else can give you, it’s something we need to gift ourselves with. We need to stop waiting for someone to give us closure. What’s going to feel like closure? Someone stoping on our hearts? A spoken out loud rejection? How far down do we need to go before we decide to get out?
I wrote an article about why we need a why (according to science), check it out if that’s where you’re currently stuck. We all know it’s not easy to begin healing when you don’t have full on clarity of whether you broke up or not.
With all these doubts in mind, the formidable version of me went right out of the window.
All of my amazing talks on how to let go, the magnificent learnings on how I am finally able to close the door and move on vanished.
Was I really able to face another ending? Was I really able to refrain it in my mind and turn it into a positive?
Just as I was starting to take a step forward towards healing, today, the most unexpected thing happened: he liked my post on LinkedIn. Correction my friends, he LOVED it.
A heart on LinkedIn. I have social media stalked him: it’s not like him at all.
My mind exploded: did it mean something? Is this his way of saying he misses me? Is this him wanting me back? Is he expecting a reply to his shit email that doesn’t even enquire how I am or what I have been up to?
Luckily, a friend jumped in to tell me a tale which I hope you will remember when someone is giving you 1/1000th of what you actually want, need and (though I find it very politically incorrect to say this) let’s say it out loud, of what you deserve.
Why we keep hoping: the truth behind the fu%*er’s mind games
As my wise friend told me, pay attention to the moral of the story, it will change the way you see what’s happening.
The experience is called ‘the mouse experience’.
If you put a mouse in a glass of water for 15 minutes and then leave the mouse there, it will drown.
If you repeat the same experiment and put another mouse in the water for 14 minutes and, right before the timer reaches 15, you save the mouse, and then you place the mouse in water once again, the same mouse will last 60 hours before collapsing.
It’s called hope.
When you give a little bit to someone and then you take it away, the person will hope, this time for a much longer amount of time.
These kinds of people who don’t give you what you want, don’t offer clarity, don’t break things off completely in case they change their minds or their circumstances change but then click a heart to your post, they are just messing with your brain.
My ex (it may be time to acknowledge this) did just this. He made me wait for ten days for a response. He then sent me a meaningless email which neither opened the door nor closed it. As I was trying to process he put a hand in the water to show me that maybe I won’t drown. Just maybe though, because he never followed up on it he put me straight back into the water and is currently watching for how long I will swim all alone for this time.
Get out: the stairs are to your right
Believe me, my friend. If you also had the pleasure to encounter one of these individuals who doesn’t give you anything except for a tiny little bit of hope to keep you floating, to keep you there, you are looking in the wrong direction.
You may think that the only way out is their hand, however if you turn to the right, you will see that you missed the fact that there is a staircase in your glass that will take you to getting your life back, it’s right there, to your right.
You do not need to wait for anyone to get out of the fucking glass.
The truth is that a partner who has ghosted you, let you down, given you crumbs of care or of love for whatever reason (you did something that bothered them and they’re unable to communicate efficiently, they’re insecure, there’s an actual problem in the relationship, they are narcissists…whatever the reason is) is likely to do this again.
Independently from how much they like you, they will repeat this behavior if the same issue arises.
It’s not about how much they like /love you: if they are crazy about you and they still act this way, you are 100% for sure going to experience this sense of anxiety and frustration again and again.
Is this what you really want? Is this the life you want to build?
I chose that this is likely not the life I want to lead. I want love my friends, real, committed, stable, kind and considerate love.
There is only one way to make any changes to ourselves or to our lives: awareness.
I hope this metaphor gives you the clarity you needed to begin spotting this bread-crumbing behavior that none of us need in our lives.
Do not mistake breadcrumbs for hope.
Do not take a tiny meaningless gesture as the change you have been waiting for.
Do not take something as small as a like to some social media post as their way of saying they want to be with you.
If you want to hope, hope to find someone who chooses you fully, who is consistent, who is clear, who is capable of healthy communication, who doesn’t run away from conflict.
Hope for someone else.
If they at least put in the effort to ask for forgiveness and came back and really put in place real and consistent changes to try again then sure; maybe, with eyes wide open, hope for one last time.
For anything else less, let’s be honest, it’s not for you. Let’s use the hope we save in our heart for special people, people who deserve that hope, who deserve our love.
The truth is that we set our value. We say how much we are worth; we set the parameters and we decide what is acceptable and what is not for us.
Don’t let someone trick you into taking this from you.
Ultimately, letting go and finding closure is so hard. When someone is reaching out to show you that if you are about to drown they are likely to briefly step in and reach out a hand, you keep hoping and swimming. You keep believing that at some point they won’t put you back into the water, they will hold you in their hand.
But this is truly not a good use for hope.
There are also good people who are terrible communicators, so please make sure you reflect on what’s going on in your life, let’s keep our eyes open and for once, choose our own wellbeing.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com