More Men Should Become True Allies to Women

“Toxic masculinity” doesn’t mean that masculinity is toxic!

There’s a lot more awareness and discussion about the harms of male aggression these days, and we’re used to hearing the phrase “toxic masculinity” in the media. The trouble is that this was meant to describe harmful male behaviors and to shed more light on the kinds of social pressures placed on men which might help explain such behaviour. But over time the meaning’s got confused, and too many people now feel that “masculinity” itself means something bad.

It puts men on the defensive

Of course, masculinity is not inherently toxic, and healthy masculinity is essential for a balanced society. Aggression, control, and violence are toxic traits for sure, but these traits are not inherent in male-ness, they are dysfunctional human behaviours. If we label masculinity itself as toxic, we create a dangerous gender divide. Men feel attacked and defensive, and young boys grow up feeling that their natural energy and identity are wrong, which make them easy prey for the manipulative influencers of the ‘manosphere’.

Positive masculinity is everywhere!

If we look around, healthy masculinity exists in abundance. It’s found in the protective, nurturing, and reliable actions of men who use their strength to lift others up. Yes, more men need to act, and be seen to act, like true allies for women in this aim, and completely reject any behaviour that may lead to harm. But by recognizing and encouraging these traits in men, women can stop thinking of men as a collective threat and start working with them as partners in progress. 

Men are needed in the world

Historically, men were expected to be protectors; but these days this concept is viewed by some women with suspicion, and mistaken for a desire to control. However, true male protection doesn’t oppress women, it creates a safe environment where women can thrive. Think of the men who work as firefighters, rescue workers, and community leaders; of fathers who stay up late to comfort a sick child; of brothers who stand up against bullies. This protective drive is a core part of healthy masculinity. It’s a powerful shield against injustice, and when it’s channelled correctly, it makes the whole world safer.

Gender equality is good for everyone

Men shouldn’t feel threatened by the idea of gender equality; because in many ways, we are also victims of outdated gender roles. Boys and men don’t act out in damaging ways because we are naturally ‘bad’ but often because we’re trapped by fear and shame. Boys face intense social pressure to fit into a rigid “man box” where they are told to hide their pain, avoid vulnerability, and constantly compete. This is a recipe for mental imbalance, and for behaviour that’s harmful to them as well as to the people they come into contact with.

Men and women need to talk more

Fear and mistrust grow in the absence of communication. To build a safer world, women and men must talk to each other more honestly. For example, women often worry about their safety in public spaces, but many men are completely unaware of this daily anxiety. On the other hand, men carry a deep fear of failure and isolation that they rarely share with women, or with each other. If we can all open up to each other about these feelings, the gender gaps will close. Men can learn how to behave in ways that help women feel secure, and women will find out how to support men through their emotional struggles.

Men need women’s validation

Women can encourage positive male behavior and thinking by acknowledging it. When women can see and understand  the pressures faced by men of all ages, empathy grows, and when they celebrate male allies, they make allyship the standard for masculinity, and show young men and boys that being a good ally to women is part of what makes a man truly strong.

Boys need good male role models

But women cannot teach boys how to be men. Boys need healthy male role models to guide them, and this is where adult male allies are most critical. A good male mentor shows boys that strength coexists with gentleness, and demonstrates that a real man can apologize when he is wrong, and that showing emotional honesty is a sign of real courage.

There are Good Men everywhere

Millions of men are already working silently for a better world. They don’t make the evening news, but their actions matter deeply. They are the fathers teaching their sons to respect women; the bosses ensuring equal pay in their offices; the friends who call out casual sexism in locker rooms. These men do not see equality as a threat to their manhood. They see it as a basic human right, and understand that by achieving gender equality and breaking down rigid stereotypes, both genders gain their freedom.

Men and women need to be on the same team

Men and women are deeply interconnected as parents, siblings, partners, coworkers, and  friends, and the health of one gender directly impacts the health of the other. Women can encourage male emotional development by understanding the silent pressures and fears the men in their lives carry, and letting men express doubt, sadness, or anxiety to them without judgment. And when women support male mentorship programs, they invest in a safer future and help boys find direction without turning to toxic internet subcultures, helping ensure that the next generation of men values teamwork and respect.

Together we can do anything!

Masculinity is a diverse, beautiful, and necessary human trait; a source of creativity, resilience, protection, and love that should be celebrated, not something to be feared or dismantled.

The path to a safe and equal world does not require us men to become less manly, but to become our most authentic, healthy, and honourable selves; the men that we can feel proud to be. When we show women that we can be trusted to be gender allies and supporters, more of them will trust us and give us the support and encouragement we need and want. Because when men and women stand together as equals, we’ll create an unstoppable force for positive change.

—

This Post is republished on Medium.

—

Photo credit: iStock