‘My Boyfriend Keeps Pestering Me About My Sexual Past, so I Lie to Him’

I detest talking about past sexual experiences with any romantic partner I’m involved with, more specifically, getting into nitty-gritty details about numbers, how they performed, and whether I enjoyed having sex with them.

And it’s not because talking about past experiences is necessarily bad; it’s just from my experience, nothing good comes from it. There is almost always going to be an element of comparison and even retroactive jealousy.

Take this post by Redditor Latackda titled, “Am I an asshole for always lying when my BF asks if I slept with someone from the past?”

This is what they wrote:

I am a 35-year-old female, my boyfriend (41) will ask if I slept with someone when I mention anyone from the past. This includes anyone I dated or just went out with a few times. The truthful answer is usually yes — but that has proven to be a problem lol. Now I just say no.

He’s not obnoxiously jealous, but it does make him uncomfortable. I tell him what he wants to hear because I don’t feel guilty about who I was with before him. He would absolutely throw a fit if he found out I wasn’t being truthful, but I’d like to avoid the conflict. Am I that wrong? Will this catch up to me?

First, I have to address the issue of lying. It’s never a good idea, especially if Latackda is lying about people she and the boyfriend might cross paths with in the future. People’s sexual escapades have a strange way of coming to light, even with the best intentions and efforts to keep them hidden.

Though, I have to wonder, how bad has the boyfriend’s reaction been to prompt her to lie to protect his feelings?

Latackda can be honest while not divulging uncomfortable details by telling the boyfriend she doesn’t want to have this conversation. He might pester her a bit, but if she sticks to her guns, he will eventually get the hint and drop the issue. But only if he is someone reasonable — something I’m not certain of, given she never specified what “that has proven to be a problem” meant whenever she was honest with him.

Beyond Latackda’s dishonesty, my main contention is with the boyfriend and guys like him. At 41 years old, he should know better.

If the relationship is chugging along smoothly, what does it matter who she slept with before they got together? The past is the past, and it should not have any bearing on what’s happening now.

But, let’s say for the sake of argument, Latackda had up to a hundred sexual partners, some of whom the boyfriend might know, and she was unabashedly honest about it. What then?

What positive outcome can be gained from knowing that information, especially considering they are already in a relationship?

Maybe, just maybe, if they were still dating, I might see merit in finding out if they both share similar sexual values. But even then, you do not need to ask about past sexual partners to ascertain that.

Latackda did later add additional information which provides a bit more clarity to her situation:

I wasn’t with him when I was with others, and he and I were friends for about a year before we started dating — so there was a lot of crossover in our conversations from the past. He obviously didn’t mind back then when we were friends, but now that we are dating, he’s always trying to connect the dots and see if I was with the people.

Upon learning this new information, whatever sympathy I had for the boyfriend all but eroded.

Now, I’m no expert on human psychology, but it sure feels like Latackda’s boyfriend is highly insecure, as evidenced by his constant pestering about her past.

His insecurity could be driven by the fear he won’t measure up in the bedroom, or he feels other men will look down on him for being with a woman who has been around the block. Perhaps it could be the fear she will cheat. After all, there is no shortage of faux evolutionary psychology content brainwashing men into believing women’s high body counts make them prone to cheat.

Instead of enjoying the relationship, some of these guys can’t help but twist themselves into a pretzel, agonizing about what their girl might have gotten up to with other men.

More concerning is that he knew about her past when they were friends, yet he chose to ignore everything and enter a relationship. This makes it a “him problem,” not a “her problem.”

I would not be surprised upon learning the truth he is the type of guy to judge and shame her for it, which inadvertently could be the very reason she doesn’t feel safe opening up to him.

There is a reason why some women lie about their sexual history; they know the men they are with cannot handle the truth. It comes down to self-preservation and not ill intent.

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Closing remarks

I said this before, and I will say it again: don’t talk about past sexual partners with your current partner; it’s just not worth it.

Talk about your past lives instead. That way you can get a deeper understanding of where you both are coming from and where you want to go in life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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