What are your relationship priorities? At the end of life, I want to have enjoyed a wonderful relationship. But it won’t happen without work.
—
1. I’ll focus more on my own score
It’s easy to go into marriage – or any serious relationship with a balance sheet in mind. If I do … I’ll get … But a score sheet only directs my attention on what I might get, not on what I could give. Relationship-building happens by reflecting on what we can contribute, instead of wondering, as we all did on our childhood birthday eves, about what we hope to get.
Here’s what I’ll ask myself: How have I added to my partner Paula’s life, today?
2. I’ll focus more on being available instead of just “around”
I work at home, so does my partner. We’re often together, but we could be closer.
This year, I’m not falling for the “greener-grass” illusion.
|
It’s very easy to confuse being around with being available. I know how Paula likes to receive communication.
I need to send more messages about the things that matter.
Emotional availability matters a lot; it’s excellent relationship glue, too.
I’m going to actively listen more. I can’t do other things while doing that.
3. I’ll focus more on my side of the fence
There are a thousand “better” families or partners; if you let yourself believe today’s social media postings, or tomorrow’s. And among everyday-ness, comparisons with what others have can break down commitment like a cancer, if you let it. But almost everything is “greener-grass” illusion; this year I’m not falling for it.
If my relationship space isn’t green enough, it needs watering.
4. I’ll focus on remembering about seasons, peaks and sunrises
It’s very easy to see the work in a relationship, because good moments sometimes come around slower than expected, like summer after an unusually harsh winter, or the peak after a longer-than-expected climb.
Days of dreary routine dull what may have been keen desire, but the good parts are always there, in every relationship — including mine — even in the midst of the most aggravating misunderstandings. And Paula and I can enjoy those moments if I’m aware enough not to miss them as they zip past.
Quitting is always an option, but divorce is only wearing an “easy option” mask that hides a cruel uncaring face. Times may be challenging, but I’ll remind myself that the highs justify all difficulties.
5. I’ll focus on showing gratitude
The principal task on my relationship here-and-now list this year is not so much to say thank you for the thousand things Paula does for me; rather, it’s to show my appreciation in concrete ways. I can say thanks; I have and I will. But I know that being aware of what’s needed, and doing something about it, says thanks at a much higher volume.
This year, I’m going to catch myself showing gratitude more often.
6. I’ll focus taking action to further my partner’s aims
Listening shows interest; action shows commitment, caring and may show sacrifice, depending on whether other things were discard or ignored.
Doing more ‘here and now’ includes asking to be forgiven when I’m at fault.
|
The act of putting someone’s desire before yours will reinforce your commitment to the relationship, in your own mind. I’ve learned that it’s me who decides if this relationship is worth supporting; it’s me who puts shoes on the commitment and keeps walking.
And in 2016, I choose to.
7. I’ll focus on the holes in my own dam
It is very easy to point fingers and make holes in thin air; it’s harder to be humble and accept you’ve deficiencies yourself. It’s hard to admit being less than ideal; no one want to ask to be forgiven for even small mistakes if admitting seems akin to confessing failure.
If I’m going to be present, I have to admit I haven’t been; if I’m going to give my relationship more priority, I have to admit I’ve failed it. But we get stronger, together, when we admit we’re human. And I am, and this year part of doing more here and now includes asking to be forgiven for my errors and carelessness.
8. I’ll focus on the verb that hides in love
Seven items on this list was probably enough. But there is another thing on my mind; the recollection that love isn’t merely, or even, something that just happens. Love is a choice, an action, a decision.
My love for Paula doesn’t simply happen because someone mythical shot an arrow or our eyes saw something in each other. It may have been breathed life by a spark of something intangible and magical, but it continues because I choose to have it do so and because and when I give it strength by being grateful and showing I am by continually watering the grass.
—-
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Flickr/BLM Winter Bucket List