Christine Walker, mom of sons, is frustrated by false messages that boys have uncontrollable, animalistic urges that need taming.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Unfortunately, my village is failing me. Some of you aren’t going to like this, but I’m saying it anyway because I can’t fight this fight alone. My village tells my sons every day that they are: violent, predatory and untrustworthy. And frankly, I’m tired of it, because it’s not true.
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Look around at some of the popular campaigns for guys: The Man Up Campaign, The Real Man Campaign, A Call to Men, and more. All of them are designed to end violence against women, which is something we all want, but the unspoken messages behind these campaigns is this: men are monsters who can’t control themselves without a pledge signed in blood. When in reality, men who treat women this way are the exception, not the rule.
Almost every message boys hear publicly about themselves falls somewhere between dangerous and not good enough. My sons don’t want to go anywhere with me anymore because, at least one person, and usually more than one, will look at them, raise their eyebrows and say, “Oh my, bless you,” as if my sons are a curse.
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“Any boy is thought to be a wolf unless shown otherwise.”
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Have you seen this article? It’s about a father who threatened to do to a boy whatever the boy did to his daughter. The accompanying pictures made big news, one of the boyfriend holding the daughter around the waist, and adjacent, a picture of the father holding the boyfriend around the waist. From behind; the threat is implied. And perhaps you’ve seen the response, reprinted on this site: Please Don’t Threaten My Son for Dating Your Daughter. Everyone I know who posted responses to the second article on Facebook got nasty replies, myself included. Dads in particular, seem to think it’s okay to threaten a boy simply because he’s male. Here’s one of my (not) favorite comments, “Any boy is thought to be a wolf unless shown otherwise.” Boys in my village are apparently guilty until proven innocent. Has anyone considered that maybe the way we treat our boys is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?
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You may be thinking that if I was a man, I would understand. I’m a woman so I don’t really know what goes on inside men’s heads and if I did, I would be shocked. I should step back and let fathers shame and threaten my sons because they happen to share the same genitalia and obviously understand my sons better than I do, right?
Wrong. You fathers who feel this way forget, that I was once your target. And you’re right, I couldn’t read every thought that crossed your mind, but I knew when you were undressing me with your eyes. Don’t think I didn’t. I could tell when your thoughts and motives were predatory even if I didn’t know exactly what they were, which is why I stayed away from you. Despite the supposedly uncontrollable sexual urges of other guys my age, almost all of them managed to treat me with dignity and respect. A few of them got closer than my father liked, because I let them. And yes, there were one or two who pushed my boundaries, but they quickly found that I had an exit strategy in place and could take care of myself.
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Teach your daughters to trust their instincts. Teach them it’s OK to be mean if someone makes them feel uncomfortable. Teach them how to evaluate their circumstances, and to keep themselves in situations where they feel safe. But stop treating your daughters like victims. And for heaven’s sake, stop treating my sons like criminals. There’s a good chance all of our children are going to live up to expectations.
So rather than treating my sons like they are inherently evil, why don’t you nurture the good in them the same way you nurture the good in your girls?
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No, I don’t know every thought that goes through my sons’ heads, but just like I knew your hearts, I know theirs. My sons want to love and be loved, just like your daughters. They want to be superheroes, not super villains. So rather than treating my sons like they are inherently evil, why don’t you nurture the good in them the same way you nurture the good in your girls?
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I can’t do this alone. If you continue to shame my sons (and all boys) until they feel safer seeking intimacy online, then the innate desire they have to protect could easily morph into a desire to dominate, because that’s what the digital world is going to teach them girls want. So stop. You’re making it harder for me to raise good men.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Thank you for this excellent and original article. My older son, 16, is growing resentful of all the school meetings warning boys about being too violent, date rape, etc. He told me that at some point these meetings make him feel being a young man means behaving aggressively towards women. Most men aren’t monsters just as most women are neither helpless flowers now castrating witches as you rightly suggest.
Great piece, Christine. I have two daughters and then was blessed with my son. He is an amazing young man and tender about many aspects of life. It’s so wrong to put any child into a categorical group. Hey, some girls are nasty. It’s not on the X chromosome, it just happens, just like having a Y doesn’t mean you are going to be awful to women. My big statement about all of this: women teach your sons to respect themselves and women. I really do think the younger generation is getting there. Women have more respect from boys raised… Read more »
Great article.
Thank you, Matthew 🙂
I can see both sides. One would be hard-pressed to find a man in the continental US who hasn’t experienced the steely glare of a mother or father pulling their children close as they gauge the odds of him being a sexual predator, simply because he is in public, alone. The facial expression is pretty consistent: a furrowed brow, narrowing of the eyes, and a lip slightly curled in disgust. On the other hand, I honestly think it would be difficult to make the case that men are NOT predisposed towards violence; we perpetrate nearly all of it. Acknowledging that… Read more »
Thank you for your comment, D. I agree that men perpetuate a lot of violence, but we have to ask ourselves how much of that is a result of the way we treat them and how much of that is as you say, predisposed? Perhaps some of both, I don’t know. I do know this though: when we teach boys that they shouldn’t have feelings, they learn to suppress their feelings until they’re too big to control. In my experience, most anger/rage is the result of deep hurt; and violence is how some people act on that hurt when it’s… Read more »
I’m cut from a different cloth because I read that article and simply rolled my eyes because I thought it was amusing more then making a valid statement. I love my son with all my heart but a daughter is something else. I believe that it depends on the dad. I’ve known my wife since we were 11 years old. We were both virgins when we got married 40 years ago. If anything, my point of reference was that of my own and my 3 male siblings who married as well as. My dad was also a role model as… Read more »
Exactly. Most guys, deep down, are respectful and want to treat your daughters well.
Thank you!! These words are so overdue. Thank you for having the courage to say them and for helping me see how to navigate this world with my own sons. You are an inspiration and your boys are extremely lucky to have you as their mom.
Thank you for the kind words, Teresa. So glad I could help 🙂
This is so important and well said. I have two boys, 10 and 9. One has long hair and wears pink and purple. The difference in the way servers, check out clerks, and strangers treat my two boys is profound. The treat my long haired son with caring and endearments. They ask him questions and make eye contact. His brother gets none of this. On the other hand he is never called princess either. Thanks for writing.
Thank you, Anna. What a powerful contrast! It’s amazing what we let influence our behavior.