My Wife Has Her Own Friends, My Children Have Grown Up & I Am Lost

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Time has this funny way of creeping on you. The years go by and we fill our lives with work, raising a family, and supporting our children through school. We attend parents evening and cheer them on at sports days. We encourage them to be the best they can at school, and to work hard for the best grades.

We explain to them why an education is their key to success and that happiness comes from within. We teach them right from wrong, we cherish them, and we wrap them in cotton wool, fearful for their future. We watch them grow up into young adults, proud of what they have achieved. We see them as a shining light of pride and joy.

But our time has come to an end of being there every day, our mission has been accomplished. We see them as decent human beings, filled with joy, excitement, and purpose in life. We are proud parents—there is nothing more that we can do other than offer support and guidance when needed.

And then it dawns on men that life has a big void. We have worked hard to provide a solid family life, we have worked long hours, made sacrifices along the way, and we have always put the family first, sometimes at the expense of our own happiness and feelings.

Nowadays, you see young men and women, fresh out of university, coming into industry securing positions equal to mine, but with higher salaries. For most, it’s their first ever job too. Apparently, experience isn’t the asset it once was. I’m not sure why, but I guess they see older men stuck in their ways, and less accepting of change.

Your marriage has not been perfect. Like all marriages, you have had your ups and downs, but you pushed through those periods for the sake of the children—be that right or wrong—because you value a stable family life in which to raise your children.

You have aged. Your wife has managed to keep a strong network of friends, which give her a new zest for life, and she sees this as an opportunity to explore her own world, and perhaps to find new meaning in her life. You have nothing in common other than you brought your children up together. You’re like ships in the night.

Deep down, men are scared. Scared of the unknown, scared to ask for help. We wear this mask—we pretend that life is great. We live up to the stereotype male, never showing emotion, proclaiming that we don’t need friends or relationships outside of work. We never see them other than at work, so in essence, they’re not really true friends, we like to think they are, but they’re not. They’re work colleagues.

Men are taught from an early age to “man up” and “be a man”, elevating toughness and assertiveness over connection and empathy. We have been taught that we must fit into the typical male stereotype role, we follow our fathers’ path of being the main breadwinner, because it’s our responsibly to look after the family. To put bread on the table.

Which leaves millions of men with only emotionally guarded ways of forming friendships.

So, it’s not until one day we wake up to a house divorced of laughter, no sound of playing children, do we then realise that work cannot fill that void left behind by children. Work is a means to an end, the end being money, a salary. True work teaches lots about life, but men need the softer skills that come from a true friendship.

Work is not everything. Yes, work is important, but when men hit middle age and their children move on, men find it really difficult to find a purpose in life. It’s almost like the soul has been taken away from them. They still wear this mask of invincibility that life is great, but deep down, the fear of loneliness and isolation continues to grow.

So, my advice to all men is to turn to your partner and just talk. Talk about anything, reconnect, and share. Go on a blind date with her, share laughter, share your fears with her and most of all, pick up the phone and call a long lost friend. Say hello—they may well be waiting for a call from a long-lost friend, as well.

We only have one life. Making and finding new friendships can go a long way to help fill any voids you may have.

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