The tragedy of Nolan Wells, the 18 year old whose body was found in the Gulf Coast after the 4th of July holiday weekend, sent a deafening, but age old message to African-American men and women. A young Black man who was a talented football player, college student, and beloved son, discovered dead after hanging out with a group of white friends, reminded us the danger of being the only Black person in the room.
Every Black man and woman understands the feeling of being “the only one.” In social situations, work, traveling, and wherever you reside, knowing that no other person shares your skin color can be a isolating, anxiety inducing experience at best, potentially mentally, emotionally, and physically dangerous situation at worst. The thing about being the only one is you are always aware of it.
Your eyes and ears are perked up waiting and listening for something that could be perceived as racist and anti-Black. In circumstances where I was the sole Black man in the room, I could laugh and have a good time, but there would always be something that would snap me back to reality. Someone getting “Too familiar with me” through a bad racist joke, alcohol consumption that gives a white man or woman the ability to say anything that comes to mind, the constant touching and invasive questions that could come up, and the potential misunderstanding that could turn violent are things that I am aware of. It reminds me to “Wake up LeRon, don’t get too comfortable.” This may sound exhausting; being forever vigilant, but it is the reality for so many of us.
Growing up in Kansas City, Mo in the 1980’s and 1990’s, it was a very segregated place. Anything east of Troost avenue was predominantly Black, and the neighborhood’s west were white. My family and friends were pretty much all Black. We did not dislike white men and women, they just were not around. The place we shopped at, ate, and spent most of our money were within the African-American community. As I got older and went off to college, my Mom and Dad would talk to me about my place as a Black man in the world. They both would tell me something to the effect of “Be careful when you go to some of these places if you are the only one”, “Be mindful if you are drinking if you are one of the few Black people in the place”, and “Watch your back.” They were indirectly letting me know the danger of being one of the few, or the sole Black man in the room or in social settings. This was and still important in my upbringing. It reminded me to always be cautious, because in America, a country that has been racist to Black people, you cannot afford to misread social cues or as they say where I grew up “Get caught slipping.”
I believe every African-American family has a story of a Black man or woman going on a trip with a bunch of white people and not coming back home, or hanging out with their white friends and being the only one arrested, or attending a party and being assaulted and or killed. I had cousins or uncles relay instances of getting into fights with their friend group because something racist was said or having to leave a party when “Them white folks start to drink, they start to treat you like a boy.” This is not just “hearing a story” of Black men and women’s safety among predominantly white groups being compromised, but concern grounded in reality.
In June 17, 1998, James Byrd of Jasper, TX was murdered by three white men, Shawn Berry, Lawrence Brewer, and John King. Byrd, who was accepting a ride from two of the three men he called acquaintances, was brutally beaten and drug from a pick-up truck resulting in his death. I remember exactly where I was when I learned of Byrd’s killing. I felt this enormous sense of fear and disgust. “They just killed him like that,” I told myself, staring outside the window of the restaurant I was in. The fact that Byrd considered them friends made the murder even more depraved. That was the first time I was concerned for my safety as the sole Black man in a group of white men and women. “What if that could happen to me?” I thought. Some people will recall the day President John F Kennedy was killed or when The Challenger exploded, but I remember when I learned of Byrd’s death. I will never forget that day as long as I live.
While Byrd’s killing still resonates with me 28 years later, it is not an isolated incident. In the present time, there have been many assaults, near fatal interactions, and deaths of Black men and women being in company of nearly all white groups. Tamala Horsford, a 40 year old mother of five, was found dead while attending an all white sleep over in Cumming, Georgia on November 4, 2018. The Forsyth County Sheriff Office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations both concluded Horsford death was “accidental.” In June of this year, the body of Jerard Jackson, 28, was found in wooded area in Michigan. Jackson, who was attending the Electric Forrest Festival in Rothbury, Mi, was reportedly at a campsite with a friend when the state troopers responded to an alleged criminal incident. When found, Jackson was laying near his rental car with keys and wallet still inside the car. The authorities later officially determined it was a suicide. Earlier this summer, a young Black boy named Marcus was stranded at a Florida riverbank. Nearly drowning, Marcus begged his white friends for help, only to have them laugh, throw racial slurs, and make monkey sounds as he struggled in the water. If it was not for Natalee King and her family spotting Marques while on the water and helping him to safety, then he maybe would have lost his life. These incidents beg the question, “Are Black men and women safe around white crowds?
Another way of thinking about Nolan Wells death and people he was around, I am very confident that if the roles were reversed – the sole white person in a group of Black people, that man or woman would not share the same fate. Black people have always taken care of, raised, and reared white babies and children. From slavery to today’s time, African-American men and women were and still are a presence teaching, watching, and caring for white people. Throughout history, there has never been logical or founded fear of white men and women being the only one in the presence of Black people. If they happen to be in a predominantly black group, event, or gathering, they have almost always been welcomed and showered with love.
Plus, we realize the law has never and will never be on our side. African-American men and women do not have the benefit of doubt. Condemnation would be swift and severe (Look at how Alyssa Thomas has been attacked online for “fouling” WNBA darling Caitlin Clark). Thousands of Black people, particularly Black men, have been falsely convicted of crimes against white men and women. White people inherently know this. I cannot count how many times I have been to an all Black establishment or event and there is one or two white folks, and they have always been safe. Matter of fact, a common suggestion that is told to white children is “If you are ever in trouble, find a Black woman.” I 100% can say I, as a Black child, would have never felt safe doing the opposite.
Recently, I had a conversation with my brother about my nephew’s college choices. He may attend a school that is in a rural part of the country. Being a bit worried, I brought up Nolan Wells. My Brother says he has spoken with his son about the tragedy and not only what it is to be Black, but to be Black in white spaces. “ I told him they may not see him the way you see them, and to always watch his back.” These kinds of conversations are everyday examples of what Black parents and Black people in general have to tell Black children to prepare them for the world. It is not enough to say “Treat everyone with respect” and “You have to work twice as hard…” There is also the safety factor.
Being an African-American is a beautiful existence, but, as I have always said, “It is like walking a tight rope” with dangerous obstacles and pitfalls that have been in place before any of us were born. We have to “be real” with the youth and ourselves, even. Racism may not be the reason for all of the ills, but it is responsible for so many that we can never rule it out. This is not about saying “Don’t have white friends,” I have some who are amazing people that are near and dear to my heart. But, I never forget that I am Black, and that is the reason why I, and we must always stay vigilant wherever we are, with whomever we are with.
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