Of Dreams

I put my head down. Put in the work. I work on myself, not on others. I love and forgive myself. Just train.

When I was 8 years old, Dad scared me to my soul. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I wasn’t good enough for Dad. No, I would never be good enough, period. Maybe if I were perfect, then Dad could love me? Maybe, others could love me, too? Still, we’re all human, imperfect by design.

I suffered pursuing impossible perfection. I spent much of my adult life proving that I was smart enough; that I was strong enough; that I was, in fact, enough. Being more of anything would never be enough. That’s just life.

Over 30 years ago, I began Aikido training with late Mizukami Sensei. Sensei taught me what it is to be a good man and to be of service to others. He said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” He generated the space to be me and invent the greater-than versions of myself. Sensei became the father, who helped me become the greater man, the greater person. Nothing but mad love and respect for Sensei. Although he’s no longer on Planet Earth, Sensei still stands beside me. He’s in my heart.

I spent much of my adult life proving that I was smart enough; that I was strong enough; that I was, in fact, enough.

In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the sword, under the attack.” In the center of the attack, in what I fear, I choose who I am and what I do. I don’t look at the attacker. They don’t matter. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. It’s me against me. I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.”

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I enter what I fear and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside may never completely disappear, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free me.

I enter what I fear that I’m not good enough in working with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I let go of my fear that I got from Dad. I work on myself, not on others. Nothing’s personal. Just train. I’m free to be me.

I no longer have to be someone else or prove anything.

Shakespeare wrote in The Tempest, “We are such stuff as dreams are made on…” On my journey to fall madly and deeply in love, I’m far, far removed from the Man of Women’s Dreams. I’m 5’ 3″. I’m not handsome. I’m not exactly rich. Still, I’m as authentic as I can be. I take life’s glancing blows for the possibility of falling in love. I no longer have to be someone else or prove anything. I invent the greater than version of myself. Who knows? Lightening could strike. Maybe.

I have nothing to do with goes on inside someone else. I do have a say in what goes on inside me. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I try to make difference for others and leave the world a better place than when I came into it. That’s my dream. Just saying.