Older Women Know What They Want in the Bedroom

I can’t tell you how many younger men have told me that they like having sex with older women because: 1) They know what they want in the bedroom; and 2) They are sexually free.

I have to agree.

I am well into my sixties and I am having the best sex of my life.

So can you.

Beginning in my teens, I was sexually curious and adventurous. The times helped — women’s sexuality was finally out of the closet when I was a young woman and I got in the front of the line!

That is not to say I understood exactly what gave me pleasure and how to orgasm. Nor did I think my sexual pleasure was as important as a man’s. I wasn’t comfortable saying what I wanted. I put up with men’s sexual boorishness and selfishness because I thought I had to.

I put up with not coming because I didn’t know how to prioritize my pleasure. Sometimes I set the bar too low regarding whom I would take into my bed.

Beginning in my early thirties, I spent the next 31 years in two long-term relationships with men (8 and 23 years, respectively).

I would categorize those years as fairly boring sexually after the initial sizzle period. I had no idea that I needed a lot more variety and spiciness. I thought there was something wrong with my libido and my relationship.

Sound familiar?

The unending whirlwind of life as the primary caretaker of my kids and the primary breadwinner did not help sexually. I found the constant state of stress and exhaustion was very desexualizing.

Sound even more familiar?

In my fifties, menopause, chronic inflammation, and autoimmune thyroid disease did not help either.

You might relate.

I feel tremendous sadness that I did not value my sexuality more. I was not open to my essential, inner core being.

The sex goddess

About seven years ago, as my 23-year relationship was waning, I rediscovered my sexuality. First came FWBs (friends with benefits) as agreed upon at home (it was the perk I got for his violations).

Then when I was completely single about three and a half years ago, dating and new relationships, as well as experimenting with open relationships, taught me about my own limits and preferences. I even found some very nice men who understood women’s bodies and how to please them. Most of them were younger than me by 5–10 years.

My emergence as a sex goddess had begun!

I have re-emerged as my sexually curious and adventurous self with the advantage of maturity, self-knowledge, and the ability to deepen into my sexual self.

I have told certain interested men to read She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, by Ian Kerner, or Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Being much less stressed has been a huge perk to reclaiming my sexual pleasure. I have a more expanded sexual range, vanilla to kinky to energetic sex, in the bedroom.

With that wider range comes increased confidence. I am tapping into the sexual goddess within.

The laws of abundance favor sexual re-awakening. Absolutely.

However, the sad truth is that I have many women friends (partnered and single) who view sex in the past tense, and they have given up on sex entirely.

In my little world, it is the minority that are having great — or any — sex!

So many beautiful 60+ women find themselves not having sex and deprive themselves, or are deprived of sexual intimacy, at the time in their life where they could truly and finally fully embrace being sex goddesses. This hurts my heart and yoni.

Sexual anorexia

I had drinks with a friend who is a sex and intimacy coach who told me about his clientelle. They are highly successful, powerful, rational, heterosexual, white women in the business world in their forties and fifties who are pre-orgasmic, sometimes virgins, and have neither partners or children.

Because of the firm hold of institutionalized sexism in our society, the double standard means men can have it all and women still can’t.

Things change slowly outwardly, but also inwardly.

Because these women tend to have very poor body image, don’t explore themselves, believe a man should be responsible for their pleasure, and have no sense of being in charge of their own enjoyment of sex.

So what is the forecast for women who are older? Are things getting better for women in general?

According to the research, about 10-15 percent of adult women have never had an orgasm. And only about one half of adult women are satisfied with how often they reach orgasm.

Many factors can lead to sexual anorexia:

• Emotional trauma of any type can and does impact our libido
• Sexual trauma including incest, molestation, rape, harassment
• Constant and relentless exhaustion
• Depression and anxiety
• Unresolved or unexamined old beliefs about sex and one’s sexuality from childhood
• Lack of knowing one’s body and what gives it pleasure
• Lack of comfort with communicating about sex
• Lack of inspiring sexual contact with partner(s)
• Lack of comfort with stating sexual desires or wants
• Lack of belief that good sex is possible
• Resentment and negative feelings towards one’s partner
• Hormonal imbalance(s)
• Health issues and medications, including vaginal dryness

Here’s what I want every woman to know

Women are inherently very sexual beings, with the ability to orgasm multiple times, with more than three times (12,000 vs. 4,000) the nerve endings in our clitoris than in men’s sexual organs.

a) Women’s sex drive is different than men’s, not less than;

b) Women need more variety in the bedroom to not get bored, and have greater variance in their sexual arousal and responsiveness than men; and

c) Sexually active women in their 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s are highly satisfied. I spoke with a 92 year old woman recently who said she was madly in love and happier in the bedroom than she has ever been.

With all these positives, lots of amazing ‘sagging’ women should be sexually very happy, right?

Let’s do the work.

Let’s show up for ourselves.

Let’s claim our rightful place as the sexually whole, deep, and autonomous beings we truly are.

Let’s throw off the chains. Get informed. Let go of crap. And come!

We are sex goddesses!

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Previously Published on Medium

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