What do you do when you’re pushing away the person you love even though you realize what you’re doing?
You probably don’t know me, but I’m in a relationship with one of the hottest girls in the world. I hate to use the word “hot,” but when I see her, I feel instant electricity. She takes my breath away without even uttering a word. This has been great, but also a major struggle as I try to grow closer to her.
I find myself battling issues I’ve never had in my previous relationships. I’m struggling with things that I know I’m better than, but the control over these struggles seems out of my reach. I keep telling myself “don’t do it, you’ll push her away,” yet, before I can think, I end up doing it.
On a few occasions, I thought I pushed too hard and pushed her away. When I thought the relationship was over, it felt like someone was pulling out my insides. Today, we are in a great place. Our love grows daily, and we’re putting in the work to make love last. These were the issues I had to overcome to find happiness with the person I love with everything in me.
My constant need for attention.
Sometimes I’m a big baby. We have kids, and they need her attention, sometimes I throw myself a little pity party at the lack of attention she’s giving me. I listen to some sad love songs on YouTube and put on a pouty face until she notices. When she does, I explode with nonsense. Yes, this is me admitting it publicly. I know this isn’t sexier or how to attract her more, but I do it. It’s taken me realizing that I’m not the center of the universe, and the kids have needs from both of us. I have to focus on my “why.”
Yes, it feels good to get attention from someone you love. Yes, we wish we could get that attention all the time, but that’s not a reality. The best relationships are when you have each other but also have your identities. You can’t get so lost in the relationship that you lose who you are. You have to be a strong independent man who has his things going on. Distract yourself from needing attention by giving your attention to the things that will help you and your partner live a better life.
Getting angry at the little things.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to see a doctor. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m getting mad over the dumbest things. I think I get mad because of my perceived lack of attention, but whatever the case is—it’s completely uncalled for. At that moment, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I let the anger pass through me as I breathe deeply and focus. Sometimes I throw on some music.
There are many things that you could get mad about in your relationship, but most of them aren’t worth the stress. It’s important to talk through your struggles, but some things aren’t worth getting mad about or bringing up. Work through it on your own by realizing that it’s not important and not something you’ll care about years from now.
Not being honest about how I feel.
I have the bad habit of holding everything all inside and exploding at random moments. I try to put on a smile and act like everything is okay while I’m burning up inside. I’ve been learning to get honest about the important feelings. I can filter through the little stuff, but for the biggies, I talk to the love of my life. Every time I do, we can work through it without me coming off like a crazy man. Guys, it’s not considered manly to share your feelings, but it might be one of the manliest things you do in your relationship. Ignore what’s common and get honest in a way that helps you get closer to the person you love.
Making sex a bigger priority than it needs to be.
I LOVE sex—like maybe too much. My love feels the same but maybe not as strongly as I do—not sure. But, when we don’t have as much sex as I think we should have, I get goofy. I go back to my pouty ways, and it’s a complete turn-off to her. I have been working on curving my urges by becoming a better lover. Instead of having more sex, I’ve focused on better sex through me understanding her more.
Sex is important in a relationship, but it’s not the only important thing. Yes, you want to have enough, but it can’t consume you. Focus on making the times you do make love quality. Focus on what you can do to pleasure your partner more and it’s possible they’ll naturally want more of the good stuff.
You may be with your “hot girl” and are blowing it. The good thing is that the relationship can probably be saved. I know how hard it is to fight what naturally comes out. You react in the moment and feel like you can’t control it—you can.
Yes, it will take time, but more than that, it takes doing the inner work. It takes focusing on becoming the best version of you. When you can become stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally, you can have the confidence to beat those struggles in your mind.
There’s nothing sexier than a confident man. You can be confident when you put in the daily grind to be better. As you work on yourself, you will work through your struggles and attractive your love every day and all over again. This person is special and worth fighting for—be willing to fight.
How do you get over any personal struggles that push your partner away?
Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon