Pandemic Leads To a Shifting Lens

When my husband and I were younger with small children, I was constantly bothered by the fact that my husband could walk by a mess and just keep going. It wasn’t like he was a misogynist or too good for housework. After all, we took turns cooking and doing dishes and divided other chores and childcare duties. One day, I received some words of wisdom from his grandmother when she was visiting and this happened right in front of her. I grumbled after he left the room, and she said, “Anna, he doesn’t even see it.” Her words helped me understand that he actually did not perceive the mess and therefore would not be inclined to do anything about it. Not that he would get off the hook so easily, but it was a helpful lens through which to see what was going on.

As the years went on, and things around the house needed repair beyond what we were capable of doing ourselves or replacement, we had disagreements over priorities for spending money. He was much more interested in travel, whereas I wanted to improve the homefront. I do like to travel, but it was really important to me that my home felt comfortable to me as well. Yes, I know, first world problems. Anyway, we worked it out with compromise usually, but I don’t think either one of us was ever quite satisfied.

My husband is a corporate attorney and works long hours. Thus, he spent 11–13 hours away from the house during the week for most of our marriage. He also had many evening networking events. I also worked outside the home until retirement two years ago, but since I was a teacher, I could bring my work home with me in the late afternoons most days. Now that we have both been home for over six months, I have noticed a pleasant change. When it comes to home maintenance or replacing a worn piece of furniture, my husband no longer puts up any hassle about spending the money. When I mentioned that I had noticed this shift, he said that now that he is at home more, he sees all of the things that need fixing, and they bother him. Aha! He is now seeing the home through my lens! He also said, “I know that you have always seen the house as an extension of yourself in a way that I did not, but now I get it.” It is interesting that no matter how well you know someone or love them, for some things, you just have to experience the world the way they do in order to understand their needs. While I wish the pandemic had never happened, I will take this silver lining and run with it!

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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