I am writing this PSA to help (mostly male) humans in the workplace avoid this seemingly unavoidable pitfall of forcing their sexual needs on others. I know it’s hard guys (pun intended, I am that petty), but here are some things you can try instead of constantly figuring out who you can cajole or manipulate into having sex with you.
1. Scholarly pursuits. Read a book. If you read a printed book, that usually requires one or two hands. Bonus: Those hands can’t reach out to grab anything else
2. Invent something. I hear inventions make people money and change the world. You could invent a doodad or a whatchamacallit. You could use your hands to make a prototype. Bonus: Hands that are working on a prototype can’t grab body parts. Caveat – do not invent a pussy grabbing robot. This will defeat the purpose.
3. Think about how to solve the world’s problems: agriculture, ecology, technology, education – all of these are at your disposal.
4. Wait to have sex with someone with whom you have developed some sort of mutual respect. I know that sounds cray cray – but the sex might even be hot if you know the person better.
5. Play trashcan basketball. I know this is a waste of paper, but it will help you avoid sexually harassing others. You could say stuff like “Lebron” when you make a shot, and make simulated crowd noises.
6. Do some squats and pushups. You’ll get stronger, and this strength might make you even more attractive to women who actually DESIRE you. You sexy thang! Rowwrrrrr!
7. Spend time listening to other human beings. Learn their stories. Understand them. I know you probably won’t cum while doing this, but it’s ok – you don’t have to cum 24/7.
8. Masturbate. This is a tricky one, so I feel like I need to set some rules for you (given recent events). Do this in PRIVATE, at HOME. Do not do this in front of other people. They do not usually like this. If you find out one human likes it, y’all can do that in the privacy of your own home.
9. Buy gloves that have chains attached to them that are attached to your belt. This will prevent you from touching anyone else, or yourself in the workplace.
10. Stop being a jerk. I know this is really hard. That’s why I put it so far down the list because it seems so far out of reach. But, like I tell my children when they are afraid they can’t learn a skill – just try. You don’t know if you can stop being a jerk until you try.
11. Watch sports. Play sports. Talk about sports. Talk about how you used to be able to play sports. That might still make you an insufferable jerk, but at least you aren’t grabbing a pussy or masturbating in your office chair in front of coworkers
12. Realize that it is not your job in life to find out how many people you can have sex with. Humans can do lots of stuff. Sex is awesome. You can still do that TOO! Just…and this is important…try your best to make sure it is with a willing party.
13. Bonus round: Someone can laugh at your jokes and want to be around you without that meaning they want you to put parts of your body inside of parts of their body (or vice versa). Sometimes, people just might think you are fun and cool. Go with it. You’re worth it.
—
Join The Good Men Project Community.
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many of our new Social Interest Groups, calls about life in the 21st century, and classes (writing, platform building, leadership, social change) as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.