Conflict and vulnerability are healthy and necessary
For the longest period of my life, I operated with the idea that if I love someone, I must accept their complete self, even if that comes at the cost of sacrificing my boundaries. Therefore, I would not say No because I was scared of hurting the other person’s feelings and then confronting the situation, which might lead to conflict. As a result, resentment crept in and began to feel like a pushover, ultimately leading to unhealthy behavior patterns and sad endings in the relationship.
Over time, I learned that when two people come together, they bring different pasts, ideologies, and belief systems; therefore, it is natural for differences to emerge. However, when addressed in a healthy and emotionally intelligent manner, these differences help us improve our understanding of each other and bring more emotional intimacy to the relationship.
I often look back and think about the friendships I would have saved if I had not run away from being vulnerable.
- As a teenager, I would often get hurt when my best friend made plans with other people that did not include me. I never confronted her about it because I wanted to save face and not come across as needy. However, suppressed emotions do not just fade away but build negativity inside you, and as a result, I started snapping at her. I never expressed my true feelings and would just beat around the bush while also being unable to control my unresolved feelings being manifested in an unhealthy manner. Over time, the relationship became toxic, and we are not close anymore.
- I never openly expressed love for my family and held myself back because I wanted to be the cool kid that did not care. But, in retrospect, I realize I missed all the opportunities to let my parents know that I love them and feel grateful for their presence. The only time I could gather the courage to tell my mother I love her was the night before she passed away. Had I been strong enough to be vulnerable, my relationship with my parents would have been deeper. Trust me, go and hug them. They will not always be around.
Not every relationship is meant to be
You will experience joy in your relationships when you stop forcing love. What we hear every day gets to us, and we begin to believe in it. I was bullied in school and disrespected by those I considered my loved ones, and being in such an environment hurt my self-esteem. I began to believe that maybe I was not good enough and deserved such treatment.
But, therapy helped me realize that the problem is not with me but with the people I surround myself with. I have the choice to be who I am every single day, and if I am unaccepted of my values and beliefs, the problem is not me but rather the environment that fails to accept me. Such an awareness led to getting out of unhealthy relationships (be it friends or family) and maintaining civil distance wherever complete cut-off was not an option.
The moment I stopped forcing love and external acceptance became the moment when I took my power back and expanded my wings to fly high. This particular reality check contributed the most to my personal growth and development. Remember: Not everyone you meet will be compatible with you, so instead of changing yourself to fit in everywhere, go out and find your fit!
Simultaneously, you might want to read these:
Signs of an Incompatible Relationship
You will, at times, dislike the people you love
Nobody is perfect, and our loves will sometimes say or do things that make us dislike them. It is human nature:
- Mothers love their children but sometimes dislike them,
- Happily married couples love each other but would not like to be around their partner sometimes.
The problem occurs when we confuse our feelings of temporary dislike with a lack of love. At least that’s what I did! When I began to dislike a few things about my loved ones, I took that as a failure of the relationship and stooped putting effort thereon. But unfortunately, I was not insightful enough to practice emotional intelligence and seek to understand where the other person was coming from when they said or did the thing that made me dislike them. Because of a lack of effort, the closeness eventually faded away. It feels sad even today.
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Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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