There are two or three different places I might park my car overnight. One of them is next to a large, old, evergreen tree, which would be right next to the driver’s door. When I park there a spider (who obviously has compulsive tendencies), almost without fail, will build a web between my car and the tree.
I never see the web as it is dark when I leave for work. So, after walking blindly into a large web built by a maniacal spider, who doesn’t know when to quit, I thrash around wildly, looking to all the world like a St. Vitus Dance victim. Followed by the creeping suspicion, all the way to work, that I am covered with spiders.
Of course that is only a bit of paranoia, probably something primal, and ancient, dating back to when men had to fight for existence against hordes of carnivorous spiders, who waited right next to the primitive cars, in primeval parking lots, to ambush early man, and carry him off, throw him on a campfire and cook him up with a side of shallots, and a nice Lambrusco. In those days spiders were much more civilized, and it was only an evolutionary fluke that made humans the dominant species, maybe.
I know the spider is not in the car, he is sitting in the tree, watching, a slight chuckle breaking the eerie silence of the pine tree residence, but, nobody complains, they all get a little pleasure from my embarrassing display (I hope insects and small animals don’t have a user submitted video program). Already the spider is planning for the next time my car ends up there.
But, I had a plan. I bought a gun, and waited in my car, hiding in the back seat, tucked away under several jackets that were still in there from last winter, no point in taking them in now, it is almost winter again. Sure, my wife is going to complain, “they need to be washed, bring them in.” The bright sun, magnified through the back window has killed any odor-causing bacteria by now. I can easily get one more winter out of them. It is so much more environmentally friendly that way. Besides, what little smell is left will cover the reek of terror that comes with spider hunting.
Unfortunately, I fell asleep, and the spider built the web, complete with a little sign asking for the best place to buy shallots and Lambrusco. Well played little spider, you win this round, but the war isn’t over yet.
Originally published on Life, Explained
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