Sad, Not Angry

In Director Shawn Levy’s The Adam Project, Walker Scobell plays 12-year-old Adam, who schools his Adam from 2050, played by Ryan Reynolds, by saying, “I think it’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad. And guess when I get older, I forget there’s supposed to be difference…”

When I was 8-years-old, Dad scared me to my soul. I never knew what I did or didn’t do that made him so angry at me. Dad was utterly disappointed in me. I was so very sad.

Instead of being sad, I got angry. I got angry at Mom. I got angry at Mom because I couldn’t get angry at Dad. If I did, that would go very badly for me. Getting mad at Mom– giving her a hard time– might be the greatest regret of my life.

In my 40s, I apologized to Mom for my actions. I was the frightened little boy who didn’t know better. I was so very sad at the time. I thought that being angry was far better than being sad, being weak. Nothing but mad love and respect for my late Mom. She always had my back, even when I was too young to get that. As I got older, I learned that having kindness and being gentle truly defined a good man. That’s what Mom taught me. Although Mom passed away, she’s still by my side.

Mom got how Dad terrified me. She said, “Jonny, slow down…” However, being 8-years-old, being young and stupid, I’d yell, “I know!” Mom patiently took my shit. I get sick to my stomach looking back at what I said. Still, Mom reminded me whenever I had that fear inside. She only had unconditional love. I should have known better.

Over the years, I got it. Mom told me to slow down, to quiet my soul: Things have a way of working out.

When I was 12-years-old, Mom made me take Aikido after returning from our family summer vacation. She wanted me to gain confidence and learn to protect myself. Still, I gave Mom a bad time. Getting a little older, I started knowing better: Mom always had my back.

Surprisingly, I was good at Aikido. I loved it. I was the short, fat, nerd, who wasn’t good at any sports. I practiced Aikido until I was 14-years-old. I quit, thinking that I needed to concentrate on my studies when I attended Iolani School, a prestigious college prep school, that my parents paid a lot of money for at that time.

After I moved to Los Angeles for my career in satellite system engineering, I started Aikido again. I met the late Mizukami Sensei, who taught me Aikido. Sensei taught me what it is to be a good man. What I didn’t get from Dad, growing up at home.

After I made Nidan (2^nd degree black belt), Mom met Sensei. We had dinner with Sensei and his wife Alyce, who was like my Mom in Los Angeles. When Mom and I were leaving to go home, Mom grabbed Sensei’s arm and said, “Thank you for looking out for Jon.” Sensei smiled, “He looks out for me…” I had tears as we walked to my car.

Mom and Sensei were two of the most gracious people on Planet Earth. Mom gave permission to make Sensei my father. Sensei gave permission to make him my father, the man who taught me to be the greater man. My sadness was gone. My anger was gone, too.

Maybe, being angry instead of being sad is a manhood distinction: Sad occurs as weak, as being unmanly. Being angry is far easier than accepting sadness. That being said, we all experience sadness in life. Anger might seem like you’re being strong, but you’re not. Anger hides the fear and sadness inside us. Anger doesn’t heal anything. It just makes things worse. I would know something about that. Just saying.

It’s okay to be sad. Sadness means that the soul hurts, is wounded. According to the First Noble Truth of Buddhism: There will always be suffering in life. There will always be sadness. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering.

In the bigger picture, we all experience sadness. Instead of being angry, I accept my sadness. My starting point, my zero. I work on myself, not on others. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I heal me. Just saying.