When it comes to love, moving on is never easy. Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to recover from, with studies showing that it can take 3 months to a year or even longer to recover from a breakup or divorce.
Trying to move on from a bad relationship can feel like a roller coaster at times. One day, you think you’re over it… and the next, you’re listening to a song that takes you right back to where it all began. Instead of letting go, you’re reaching for your phone to text them.
In my experience, there’s one key to getting over just about any toxic relationship — and that’s accepting that the person you were in love with never existed. Let me explain.
The Version You’re Missing Probably Doesn’t Exist.
The honeymoon phase can hit most of us hard. We fall in love with someone who seems absolutely perfect. And then slowly, we begin to see bits of their personality that we didn’t know about in the beginning. In the best case scenario, we come to accept their flaws and embrace them for who they are.
But in some cases, the newfound pieces of them may send red flags, which we may choose to ignore. This is especially true in most situations that lead to a bad breakup. If you’re dating a manipulator, cheater, liar, or narcissist, the version that you’re missing is the one that they showed you early on: the love bomber. The ideal significant other. The poster child for perfection.
The problem?
You’re Already Addicted to the Illusion.
The thing that no one ever tells us is that we can be addicted to love. Narcissists and other manipulators take advantage of this, and play their game wisely. They shower you in words of affirmation, gifts, PDA, and pet names to make you feel desired. Once this all comes to a screeching halt, you’re left wanting to feel loved again. You find yourself obsessing over it, craving it like a drug. You just hope that somehow, some way, things will go back to the way they were before the veil came off, before the illusion was destroyed. You believe that something changed, but that in time, everything will return to “normal” and things will “go back to the way it used to be.”
And this is where some of us get stuck.
You’re Grieving a Person That Doesn’t Exist.
The hardest part of moving on is accepting that the love you received from this person wasn’t genuine. The love bombing phase is over, and the narcissist or manipulator has you exactly where they want you: craving them and wanting more. This allows them to come back around as they wish.
Cutting Ties is the Only Way to Move On.
Cutting ties and accepting the situation for what it was — and what your ex has shown you — is the only way to move on from them. This often means looking deep within yourself and remembering your self-worth. And no matter what your ex may have told you, the reality is that you do deserve better.
So, burn all the pictures, and try to forget about all of the “good times.” The sooner you come to terms with the fact that those good times were fake and the person you loved never existed, the sooner you’ll heal from the situation and find the love you were deserving of all along.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: photo nic on Unsplash
