Saying Good-bye to People and Dreams

It’s Monday morning and I have a ton of work to do. But this is weighing heavily on my heart right now, so I will write a bit to relieve the pain.

We have an exchange student from Spain this year. It has been a wonderful experience, for many reasons. But one main reason is that my daughter, who is a senior, has a sister, a friend, to live here in this house with her. It’s been so good for her.

Another reason is that my sweet man needs this, as much as it is a challenge for him. He has a big heart for kids, is a school teacher, but has no access to his own children. It is more than heartbreaking. Every. Damn. Day.

Having our exchange student is a wonderful, sweet distraction from that pain for him. She is beautiful, kind, has a wicked sense of humor, and plays with him, mentally, in a really good way. Her birthday card, from this past weekend, began, Happy Birthday, you badass bitch!

He loved it, to say the least. He loves that girl and it’s so good for him.

But she is leaving in a few months. And her family is discussing the plans for her flight home. And I’m not ready.

I’m not ready to see her go. And I know I won’t be when the time comes. And, more than that, I know HE won’t be ready either.

…

Last night, talking to her parents, they proposed to have my daughter come home with theirs in May, for the summer. The summer in Spain!

What a beautiful and life-altering experience that would be for my daughter. At just a few years older, I spent a year in Austria and it changed everything for me, especially the amount of heartache I feel on the daily for a place I may never see again. It was a glorious time. And I’ve always wanted this for my kids.

But I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to see their eyes light up when they saw all of the beautiful places and people. I wanted to be there to hear all of their questions and listen to them “OOO” and “AHH” over the yummy new foods.

…

For twenty years, I supported a man getting his degrees in order to get a tenure-track position teaching college. I did that ONLY because it was the ONLY way I was going to get to take my children places, to see the wide world, to experience things outside this small town and the US (not that the US isn’t AMAZING!).

But it is something I had hoped for and worked hard for, for many, many years.

And they are going without me. And the mom guilt is BIG with this one.

Another of my daughters spent a month in Germany with an exchange student friend of hers last year. Why shouldn’t this one do the same?

She should. And I’m sure she will.

…

But I turn 50 this year. And more than anything, I had hoped to take my kids on a trip, even if they had to pay their own airfare. Take them to some of my favorite places, the places that changed me forever. I had hoped that somehow life would allow for that. But life keeps moving on without me, it seems.

And I should be happy for them.

Is it selfish that I want to be there with them? Maybe a little. But my hopes and dreams for years even before they were born need to be laid to rest, and that is hard, my friends. It feels devastating. It feels some of the most sacred things to me are things I may never get to share with them.

But they will have their own sacred things. And they will show me pictures and tell me stories. And it will be wonderful to hear about them.

…

But it will still hurt. It is a loss, a real loss. And the grief is big this morning.

And homework and work await. So I’ll move on. And hopefully my heart will feel better as the day moves forward.

Thanks for indulging me, friends!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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