—
For as long as I can remember, as both a client and a healer, the dichotomy existed that: “A man needs sex to feel connected and a woman needs to feel connected to have sex.”
This is one of the many impossibilities of hetero relationships that we would all chuckle about while feeling the impending doom that went along with the other belief that there was no real way to remedy this.
How is it possible that at the beginning of a relationship, the sex is spontaneous, plentiful and with little attention given to the duality of what is supposed to be required, while towards the end, there is just no way for each person to get their needs met? The answer to that question often gets chalked up to things such as complacency, routine and the initial attraction wearing off so the “real work” can begin.
Up until about eight months ago, I believed this to be true as well. I had ideas, but was still perplexed with: “What is this nebulous ‘connection’ that is now required for us to continue to have sex?”
I knew from my experience that being present was a big part of that. I have learned to be present, which creates a better connection, and has led to more sex. It wasn’t until I participated in a seven-week Tantra course, that I had that big “A-Ha” moment and discovered what that connection was…and how to create deeper intimacy, real intimacy.
First things first
It is important to acknowledge that we are not taught any of this stuff. We are not taught how to connect, communicate or be intimate. The sex I learned about was clinical; My parents gave me a picture book when I was ten years old, and Sex-Ed in school was primarily a warning to not have sex or else someone will get pregnant, or we will catch diseases and die.
The other sex I learned about was the kind depicted in porn. Without getting too far into this topic, the reality is that most porn does not demonstrate true intimacy either; at least not the kind of intimacy that makes relationships work.
What I discovered for myself in that seven-week Tantra course, went against what I learned in school and how I thought things needed to be from watching porn.
What is Tantra?
If you are wondering what Tantra is, it is a way of being that was part of the Hindu and Buddhist cultures centuries ago in India. In the West, we tend to only focus on the “sex” part of it, which is only a small part of what Tantra actually is and represents.
Definitions vary, but for me, it is about acceptance, connection and discovering our oneness with each other. The course I was in consisted of about 20 people: 10 women and 10 men. Each class would begin with dance and movement to get us into our bodies.
From there, we would spend the bulk of the remaining two hours doing exercises with partners; fully clothed and with no genital touching. One of the “strong suggestions” by the instructor, was that no one who was not already part of a couple in the class would date each other during those seven weeks. Here is why: We were learning that we could experience intimacy with a partner, and sometimes two or three others in a given night, without needing things to go further. What was really eye-opening for me, was that what I experienced would have me buzzing for days, even without having sex.
Within the context of this Tantra course, “goal-oriented sex” was removed from the equation. “Goal-oriented” meaning the focus on orgasm, her orgasm, his orgasm, his “getting it up,” her being sufficiently turned on, turning us into five-year-olds constantly asking, “Are we there yet?”
In my opinion, a big part of the performance anxiety experienced in our culture seems to be due to these goals. By removing these, my partner and I get to just be. And what I experienced, were some of the most-profound interactions I have ever had in my life!
I began to coach couples from this place as well
I would invite them to just spend time together, with no goal other than to just be. I would have them sit and face-to-face, and breathe while staring into each other’s eyes.
This one exercise took a couple from barely being able to sit on the same couch, to forming a deeper bond than they had ever had before. We moved on to lying next to each other. I asked them to just be together; clothed or not clothed. They could touch, share how they liked to be touched, explore each other’s bodies and minds, have intercourse or not, and whatever they chose to do in the moment was perfect.
The “issues” they had been having around sex, quickly disappeared. She relaxed and softened into him, and he became more confident with her.
In my personal life
My eyes and heart opened as well. I was dating someone new, and all the excitement was there, and then a health issue halted the sex.
In my post-divorce life, this would have been a deal-breaker for me. There was something different though; something different about her, the situation and my newly-discovered access to deeper intimacy. We danced, we played, we talked, we touched, and there was such a high level of sensuality with each other, that the absence of intercourse was barely noticeable.
The sexual frustration I expected to show up, never did. Eventually, things evened out, and we returned to being able to have intercourse, and from a much deeper place because we now had a different sort of foundation.
Many couples seek to “spice things up” with toys, other partners, playing out fantasies…and you can totally do that! There is nothing wrong with any of that.
Before you do, though, I invite you to try just being with each other. The results could be profound.
RSVP for Love Sex Etc. Calls
—
—