Shouldn’t We Take Control of Our Emotions?

The short answer is no.

Emotions are bodily reactions. They are like your breathing when you sleep, or your digestion after you eat.

Emotions happen whether we want to control them or not.

What we can sometimes control is how we respond to emotional tumult.

Feelings, our automatic thoughts about our emotions, are somewhat more amenable to our control. Acknowledge emotions to process feelings. With our feelings, we have the ability to take inventory of what we learn, how much we know, and how to express and behave accordingly.

When a thought about any one certain emotion is repeated, it gets added to the brain (hippocampus/memory) and stored to remind us what we should be alerted to if it happens again.

For example, a date is late. You are already nervous. Your emotions display small physical clues, looking around, sweating, adjusting clothes, dry mouth, feeling a bit faint, or dizzy, fidgeting with hands or hems. Your tummy feels a bit off. Your skin a bit tingly.

These are just a few emotional responses people can feel.

You are experiencing the emotions of being nervous.

Feelings are different than emotions because they are actually more of a catalog of how many clusters of emotions you note. Even if it is unconsciously recorded, you will adopt thoughts about the situation.

Your reinforced thoughts become opinions, phobias, hesitations, beliefs, anticipations, convictions and more.

Let’s go back to our late date.

After forty-five minutes, you get a text. Lee says he/she is not coming after all. Lee decided you are not a good fit. Lee says: “I had fun the last three times, but have realized we’re bad for each other.”

You feel a whole new wave of emotions: stunned, (jaw drops) annoyed, angry, confused. Your body goes through several sensations at once. And, instantaneously, you begin to think and create feelings about Lee. It’s especially useful to realize we form judgments about others.

When we are open to love others, we have to understand our judgment of them.

People often believe we “have to control my emotions.” This is both physically impossible most of the time, and is not helpful. Although you may be able to mask, or hide, sadness, crying, irritation, joy, gloating, and so on, the energy of the unstoppable emotions adjusts — and creates your feelings.

Your body experiences all kinds of sensations you may either deny or acknowledge. To know yourself means you try to acknowledge, process, and learn.

In the long term, and especially in situations of conflict, distress, or loss, it’s very valuable to feel free to express emotions. We are animals evolved to cooperate and help one another. It’s our job to create safe spaces. That is what trust is.

Feeling shame, guilt, or weakness because of honest emotions leads us to bury them under an invisible resentment. It is also true that some emotions are encouraged in some cultures: hugging, celebrating, jumping, laughing, or on the negative side: being hard, tough, yelling, or threatening, flipping off, or insulting others.

In most Western culture, “being too emotional” is equated with weakness. That is due to having roles and making judgements. Being emotional about anger, however, is socially acceptable when it is seen as tough, badass, powerful, or a way to win through aggression.

Either way, the sensations our bodies do, are not in our control until they turn into strong feelings about what to display and what to feel safe to express.

There are subtle clues throughout our culture: saying sorry when tearing up, or voice cracking in pain, making victorious signals when “owning” or “crushing it.”

For example, even though road rage should be discouraged, it triggers people to vent in unhealthy ways that could result in crushing cars and lives. Yet, driving aggressively still feels like winning.

Therefore, do not ever try to “control your emotions.” Instead, take care to look at them. Process experiences. Express in healthy ways. Examine who you are and what you learn. Learn to express vulnerability in order to create trust and bonding.

Try to know that culture is changing, social expectations and gender roles are in flux. It’s impossible to always be ahead of the curve, but know thyself if you would like to keep up with the flow.

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