I don’t know precisely where my desire to be “Little Miss Perfect” came from. I think it was born sometime around seven when someone called me “freckle face.”
The name hurt deeply, so I scrubbed my face with lemon juice every day in hopes the spots my mother lovingly called “cinnamon stars” would magically disappear.
I was determined to be rid of them, but the plan failed miserably.
It was at this moment my seven-year-old self started to believe two things.
- I was hopelessly ugly.
- I would have to work extremely hard if I were to ever look like that flawless-faced blonde who sat with me at lunch.
Sadly enough, I’m almost fifty, and these seven-year-old beliefs remain. I’ve spent nearly five decades battling low self-esteem, anxiety, and burnout, and I’m still foolishly fighting to be considered one of the “beautiful people.”
And if you also suffer from “Little Miss Perfect” syndrome, you know the desire to be beautiful is only the tip of the iceberg.
You know how perfectionism bleeds into every aspect of your life.
An unhealthy obsession with your weight. The pursuit of all A’s” in high school. Then the other “I must’s” that come along as you grow older, specifically the attainment of the perfect wife, mother, and employee.
For example, body obsession is a thing I struggle with, and I’m pretty sure the actions I tell you about will sound either highly relatable or highly disturbing.
For example, today, I was extra kind to myself. I went to the office vending machine and got a Coke (I usually drink water). When it popped out of the machine, I hated myself for wanting the sugar rush so badly I was willing to add one hundred and forty calories to my daily caloric intake. In addition, I usually don’t eat from the minute I wake up until dinnertime, so I can feel okay about eating “regular people food” at dinner.
I don’t like saying these things about myself. It embarrasses me. However, in my mind, I’m supposed to have it all together. Not most of the time but all the time.
And I know if you’re reading this, I’m not the only one.
It’s a miserable existence when you continue to beat yourself up all day long, isn’t it? It sucks when people are enjoying life, and all you can think about is doing something that’s already done because you need to make it better. However, the worst part is striving to be perfect when you know perfectly well that perfection is an illusion.
That’s why we have to fight back. This war, this burnout, this never-ending “not good enough” will not go away unless we change our mindsets.
Let’s be honest. We’re not going to drive the speed limit.
I’m not going to spout the words of the great Buddha and tell you to practice the art of zen living. That’s too big of a leap for those of us who hold memberships in the “I must be perfect” club.
After all, life to us is all about going seventy-five in a forty-five. I mean, time is of the essence when you’re trying to be on top, right?
So let’s just aim to drive sixty-five today.
Small steps
What “Little Miss (Or Mrs.) Perfects” like us don’t realize is that our expending one hundred and fifty percent effort to get something perfect was probably a masterpiece at ninety-percent work.
The truth is even though our minds tell us we must always be doing something to get closer to perfection, we’re actually sabotaging our success. The only thing we’re really accomplishing is burning out, harming our health, and killing our potential for joy.
So set limits.
Tell yourself you’ll work until a specific time. Then stop. Ruminate on the calories or the money you could be making. Then stop.
Remember the importance of now.
Don’t you dare forget the people in the other room (I’m assuming you’re at the computer or staring at your flaws in the mirror)who want you there with them.
For example, your partner would probably find nothing sexier than you sitting down with him and just talking. He doesn’t care if you eat the doughnut. As a matter of fact, he’d probably like you to do so. After all, letting loose is the ultimate seduction.
You children don’t want the cool clothes you could get them if you made more money. Instead, they’d much rather you binge a series with them or look at the silly YouTube videos they came across today.
We’ve got some serious work to do on our priorities.
We’ve got to make joy more important than status. We’ve got to keep in mind that in the end, all our accomplishments mean nothing if we’ve lost the chance to make memories and give and receive love from the people who love us unconditionally.
So which life do you want?
Do you want one where you’re making money and being “important” to people who like you “as long as you __________,” or do you want to spend time with the people who are thankful for you no matter what?
The bottom line:
Anne Wilson Schaef states:
“Perfection is self-abuse of the highest order.”
Sadly, for those like me fighting to be “Little Mrs. Perfect,” that quote means nothing. After all, we’ve not only accepted that truth, we’ve embraced it.
However, maybe you and I need to think about it another way.
We need to think about the fact that right now, our quest for perfection is making a difference in someone’s life, either good or bad, and only we control the outcome.
For example, are we abusing our husbands when we leave them sitting in front of the tv every day so we can work?
Are we abusing our children when we can’t attend the ballet recital because it’s held during our workout time?
Are we abusing the gift of life when we ignore all the happiness it’s trying to show us is out there?
Okay, okay.
Maybe the word “abuse” is a little dramatic, but then again, maybe it’s not.
The lesson for today?
Perfection is an illusion, glory is short-lived, and the only people who matter are the ones who love you when you’re not perfect.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Work hard. Strive to be better. Keep climbing the ladder. It’s in your nature, after all.
However, understand that the world doesn’t get to own you. It doesn’t get to control your self-esteem and steal you away from doing the things you love most with the people you love most.
What’s the main idea of this teacher’s lecture?
Understand you are enough. Understand you always were.
What’s your homework?
Start living. There’s a lot of magic out there if you’ll just let it in.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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