Talking in My Sleep: Those Three Little Words

I talk in my sleep. Always have. So, the other morning when I woke up in MC’s arms, I wasn’t surprised when he asked if I knew I talked in my sleep.

“Sometimes,” I shrugged it off.

He made a joke about how he planned to have fun with this and ask me questions just to see what I say when my guard is down.

“What did I say?”

“You just mumbled,” He said before rolling on top of me to plant morning kisses on my lips.

Three days later, we were on the phone late into the night when we were both supposed to be writing, and the subject of my sleep talking came up.

“What did I say?”

“I don’t want to tell you. It’s embarrassing.”

“For whom?”

“Well, maybe not embarrassing.”

“Just tell me.”

“Ok, I’ll give you a hint.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Ok, it was a phrase with three words.”

I covered my eyes and groaned, even though he couldn’t see me through the phone. “I knew it. Did I say anything else?”

“No, you said ‘I love you’ and when I asked what you said you mumbled it again and passed out.”

Fuck my fucking subconscious.

Do I love MC? Probably…maybe…yes. It’s also the early stages of building a relationship, and I don’t want to scare him off. I think there are lots of forms of love that the English language can’t quite handle.

I wrote this five years ago; most of it is still applicable, including what I think about marriage (despite my impending messy divorce).

…

I’ve always thought of love as having multiple facets, as the Greeks so eloquently lay out.

Eros: intensely erotic attraction.
Philia: an intimate type of friendship governed by wanting what is best for another person.
Ludus: a lighthearted, flirtatious relationship.
Storge: The unconditional adoration one has for family.
Philautia: This is the feeling that drives me to soak in a nightly bath with candles, but myself a new book, or dress in something that feels incredible against my skin.
Pragma: is the sort of committed companionship that makes long-term marriages work.
Agape: This is the sort of love that drives us to take care of nature and humanity. It is universal and stems from empathy.

…

Where do I stand with MC right now? Eros, Philia, Ludus…is there Pragma? Maybe glimmers of it… But the stuff that makes people truly compatible takes longer to figure out.

So, where does MC stand? He’s already used the word infatuated… he’s told me he wants us to fall in love, and he’s also been patient with me and my propensity for running away.

So where does that leave us?

I had to call in an expert on my emotional landscape.

I took a deep dive with my close friend, a man who’s known me for nearly 20 years and loved me for all of them.

“He already knew. Your eyes and your body told him long before your mouth did.”

“But I don’t know where this puts us… like, now we’re on uneven footing.”

“Is this your ‘loving him gives him power he can use to hurt you’ thing?”

“Yes. And there’s all the feelings stuff and the sex is incredible… and then last night we had a social/political/religion conversation where we didn’t agree on everything, and it was still awesome… today he told me he really likes my brain.”

“Oh, well then you’re cooked. What would happen if you just accepted it as fact? You love him, simple.”

“I think… I worry about how he’d receive that. For many men it feels like pressure. You know I’ve always seen love as more like salt than saffron… we don’t have to hoard it. I can love many people if we look at love as the Greeks did. But I only have the capacity for one partner. MC knows that about me… he actually picked up on it without me explicitly saying it.”

“It would seem pretty early for you to decide you want him as a partner. for a variety of reasons. Love tends to take its own course, at least in my experience. It doesn’t care about timelines.”

“And yes, I know he’s given me no indication that he’s a man who can’t handle emotions…. And, in fact, that he’s likely able to handle all of it…It is too early for a decision about anything long-term. I don’t know enough about our compatibility in many areas.”

“That is true. So, the situation is that you love him, and that makes you want to get to know him more. Is that enough for now? Or does the love imply commitment beyond what you’re ready to give?”

“Love for me means safety now. When I tell you I love you, I mean that my heart feels safe with you and that I want the best for you. For me, right now. Loving MC means I feel safe with him, and I want him in my life.”

“How separate are the realms of sex and love for you?

”They’re like pastry crust and fruit. They can overlap, but don’t need to. But when they do, it’s the best.”

So, what does this mean?

My friend is probably right… MC knew I had feelings for him before my subconscious whispered into the dark of his bedroom. My mumbling was not a surprise to him.

He also didn’t make a huge deal about it, which tells me that we might have some compatibility in how we think about love and what loving someone means. Love can just be part of the energy between two people, and we don’t have to dissect it further or make it rush us to any decisions.

Does loving MC mean I need instant commitment and for him to move to my town so we can see one another more?

Nope.

Does it mean I will drop all the important things in my life to be with him?

Also, no.

I told MC last week that I’d rather dig my own eye out with a teaspoon than ask him to abort his comedy career. I think that is the truest definition of love I can come up with right now, at least as it pertains to him and me. Maybe, for now, the love my subconscious uttered at the edge of slumber means

I feel safe with you,

I want you close to me,

I want what is best for you,

I support your dreams,

I want to take care of you,

You’re the first person I want to call with good news or bad,

I yearn for you.

Do I need it to mean anything else? Not right now.

For now, I want to celebrate the fact that my heart still has the capacity to love after how it’s been treated. I want to enjoy the way I soften around a man I trust. I want to laugh with abandon on benches in cute New England downtown areas. I want to make love until I’m shaking and crying from the heights of passion.

For now, just a few months into this, it’s enough to love and be loved without knowing where the love goes. I do think I’d like the freedom of using the word without worrying it will be carried into some predetermined relationship structure…and I’m sure we linguistic nerds will figure it out.

Someday, maybe MC and I will have checked off enough of those Greek words for me to consider what we’re building a committed relationship. When that time comes, I won’t just mutter love words in my sleep. He deserves to hear it from me when I’m wide awake and staring into his beautiful face. I’m hopeful I’ll get the opportunity.

Molly Frances’s writing explores what it means to be human: relationships, families, sexuality, mental health, and growth. When she isn’t writing or working with clients, she’s either on a beach or reading (or both) or dancing with abandon. She lives with her children, a rescue pup, and too many books.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.