Teaching Kids to Lie (For Money)

 With the future of the economy uncertain, what’s the most useful skill to teach your kids? Poker, of course.

With the economy in a death spiral, it would be foolish to dismiss the possibility of a real live depression. When the complete collapse of civilization arrives, I won’t be too worried for myself. I’m pretty handy at siphoning gas, carving shivs and making a wonderful casserole out of stray cats and rosemary on a running engine manifold.

However; I do fret for the future of my children. How will they make their way through future economic apocalypses? What skills will they have at their disposal to survive?

Certainly not the skills parents usually foist upon their kids. Parents push their children into extracurricular skills such as swimming, piano, and ballet. These are obviously a complete waste of time. What good can come out of these dead end pursuits? Michael Phelps, Elton John and Mikael Baryshnikov already exist, so the paying positions are taken. How will these skills help your child in a time of economic crisis, when unemployment is at 75%? Will they perform ballet on the street for change? Become a hustler at the local swimming pool? Kill people with piano wire and steal their money? Okay, that last one is not such a bad idea, but I’ve got a better one. I’ve planned to give my kids the greatest gift of all. I will teach them a skill that will get them by when all the chips are down.

I’m teaching my kids poker.

Times are tough. People have lost their jobs and don’t know if they’ll be able to make next month’s rent, so they turn to the world’s oldest investment strategy: gambling. Fortune has taken a big crap on their lives, made long distance phone calls on their phones and possibly had sex with their wives. So these people believe Lady Luck owes them a little payback. What they don’t realize (but you and I do) is Lady Luck isn’t as she appears. Take away all the airbrushing and photoshopping and you’ve got a strung-out crack whore who wants to crash on your couch and eat dog biscuits. No, the true key to gambling success is good old fashioned skill. With practice, you can make a killing on the naivety and misfortune of others.

Fact: most poker players aren’t all that good. With even a modicum of ability, you can lure your buddies over to your apartment for a poker night and turn each of your friends into an ATM machine. Or break the bank at one of those off-shore gambling sites (it’s not like Trinidad and Tobago can’t afford to give up a little cash).

My kids are 4 and 2 years old, which is perfect time to start them. You might think that’s a bit young, but Tiger Woods started golfing at 3. Had he been taught poker instead of golfing imagine how much money he would have made! Over the weekend I gave my kids Jillian (4) and Dalton (2) a crash course in Poker 101.

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Me: Okay kids, the game is Texas Hold ‘Em.

Jillian: Where is Texas?

Me: The South.

Jillian: We live in Portland.

Me: Yes we do.

Jillian: I don’t like Texas.

Me: You’ve never been there.

Jillian: Ass is a bad word. Tex–Ass.

Me: Okay, okay. What do you want to name it?

Jillian: (thinks) Unicorn.

Me: Why not. Unicorn Hold ‘Em. How about Unicorn that Smells Like Cinnamon Hold ‘Em?

Jillian: Unicorn that Farts Cinnamon Hold ‘Em.

Me: That’s enough. It’s Unicorn Hold ‘Em.

Jillian: Hold what?

Me: What?

Jillian: What are we holding?

Me: Cards, that’s why I gave you two cards.

Mental Note: So far, so good. Inane banter like this will distract and confuse Jillian’s opponents.

Jillian: You know, daddy, I realize you have your heart set on teaching me Hold ‘Em because it’s the en vogue game of the moment, but it’s probably just a fad. Don’t you think you’d be doing me a greater service by teaching me one of the standards, like Straight?

Okay, Jillian didn’t say this. What she actually said was:

Jillian: Whose cards are those? (Referring to the community cards)

Me: Those are for everybody.

Jillian: They’re not mine?

Me: No, they’re everybody’s.

Jillian (eyes welling up) I only have two!

Me: No, I said those are yours too.

Jillian: No they’re not! I don’t want you to be my daddy!

After a 20 minute break and lethal levels of ice cream, we re-attack the game of poker.

Me: Now, the key to true poker mastery is the bluff.

Jillian: What’s the bluff?

Me: A lie.

Jillian: It’s bad to lie.

Me: I know I told you that, but it’s okay in poker. It’s a fun, pretend lie.

I realize I’ve just opened a loophole big enough to drive a dump truck through. Now when she’s 16 she’ll fun-pretend lie to me about how the car got wrecked or fun-pretend lie to me that her boyfriend isn’t 32.

Jillian: I wanna lie. Let’s play now!

Me: Hold on, we need to include Dalton

Dalton puts a 5 card in his mouth.

Me: Dalton, can you say “Poker”?

Dalton: Par dar

Me: (slowly) Poke-Er

Dalton: (slowly) Par-Dar

This could actually work to his advantage. Should he say, “Hey fellas, what say we play a few hands of Par dar?” They surely won’t recognize him as a hustler.

Me: Jillian, do you know why we play poker?

Jillian: Why?

Me: To win money.

Jillian: You know what I like most about this game?

Me: What?

Jillian: Money!

Me: Well if you like money, maybe one day you could play in a poker tournament in Las Vegas.

Jillian: What’s Las Vegas?

Me: It’s where mommy and daddy got married and daddy lost $1,000 because he was too intoxicated to see the cards and thought the dealer was Jose Canseco. But we’re getting off track, now about this game. You have two cards. One of the easiest ways to win is to match two or three or four of the same card.

Jillian: That’s just like the Dora memory game!

Me: Exactly. Now you have two types of cards: numbers and people, like the queen, the king, the jack—

Jillian: And Jill?

Me: He’s not that kind of Jack.

Jillian: What kind of Jack is he?

Me: I have no idea. You also have the Joker.

Jillian: And a Catwoman?

Me: No Catwoman.

Jillian: Not even Batman?

Me: No Batman.

Jillian: That would be awesome.

Me: Yeah, that would be totally awesome. Dalton, are you ready to play?

Dalton: YES! Grabs all the community cards, feeds them to our dog.

Jillian: He cheated!

Me: He’s trying to psych us out.

Jillian: Can I tell you a knock-knock joke?

Me: We’re playing poker.

Jillian: Pleeeeeeeeeeease!

Me: Fine.

Jillian: Knock, knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Jillian: The Unicorn that Farts Cinnamon.

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Out of our weekend training, the kids and I came away with a few valuable lessons about poker:

• Texas Hold ‘Em really is a fad.
• Poker would be a whole lot more awesome with Batman in it.
• Dogs don’t digest playing cards very well.

So maybe my kids aren’t quite ready to grasp the hustler lifestyle, but there’s time. You might think this is just a joke, but it’s not. In our grandparents’ day a person could expect to get a job and hold that same job until their day of retirement. These days studies show workers will make at least five career changes in their professional life. Corporate loyalty to the worker is now a fairytale you can tell your kids. Imagine how many job changes our children will have to make by the time they are of working age. Lots of career changes means lots of down time between jobs and with the price of housing, health care, college debt and gas inflating daily, our kids won’t be able to weather the fallout on their savings alone.

Now poker, that’s an income generator they can always turn to, especially in times of national and global hardship. So if you really want to give your kids a leg up in the world, stop sending them to Interpretive Jazz/Tap Fusion Dance class and start them working on their poker face. Because when the chips are down, their survival is based on someone else’s loss.

Photo— Images_of_Money/Flickr