I was invited to a bridal shower last week. The bride-to-be was marrying one of the finest men in the hood.
All the girls wanted to know all the juicy details.
Where they met, when and how long he’d taken to propose.
I kept hearing a common phrase: “Good men are hard to find.”
But when I considered those of us who are married, it hit me: We’re married to kind, loving, faithful, and responsible men.
This means that good men aren’t rare. Good single men are rare.
And what makes it even harder for single ladies is that they don’t take time to notice the single men around them because they want a version of the married man.
The cleaned-up, polished, moneyed fine gentleman.
They forget that most married men look like eye candy because they have a woman who helps them clean up good.
Ladies, good men still exist in the single guys’ circles. You just need to adjust your expectations and be willing to do the work. Honest truth.
“Good men are hard to find”
That’s one of the terrible pieces of advice we’re sold.
But there’s more where that came from. Read on.
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“Stay together for sake of the kids.”
People in miserable marriages shoot themselves in the feet with this one.
Staying for the sake of the kids not only prolongs your misery and narrows the chance of finding some cool people to love, but it also sets a terrible example for your kids.
I bet there’s not a single child who would like their parents to suffer on their behalf.
I’m all for loving my kid, but not too much that I no longer matter. And neither should you.
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“Having relationship troubles? Just have a baby!”
Just the sound of this makes me cringe because it’s a big fat lie.
Having a baby when your relationship is deep in the trenches of trouble is the last nail in the coffin.
If you think the only way to heal your troubled relationship is to introduce a baby into it, you’re in deeper trouble than you think.
You’re both messed up.
The environment you’re in is toxic.
And now you want to add an innocent baby into the equation?
Kids born in toxicity end up traumatized.
It’s unfair. No baby deserves this.
You need to find healing first as individuals, then as a couple. Then give it time to see if a baby can fit into your situation.
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“That’s just the way men are.”
Growing up, I heard older women throw this phrase around so many times.
People who say this are usually looking for an excuse to cajole a woman into settling for a dysfunctional relationship.
I’m a firm believer that if a woman feels off about her man, then something is definitely off.
A lot of women have been hurt or abused because they second-guessed themselves.
Justifying evil behavior by saying, “That’s just the way men are,” is what’s keeping women from being with the right men and finding the relationships they deserve.
Ditch this immediately.
Photo by Shutterstock.com
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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
Well… can we talk about emotional manipulation for a second?
Because this is what it looks like.
When someone isn’t willing to work on themselves and iron out their rough edges, it’s unfair for them to expect you to stand by them.
Unless they’re unwell — in which case they need professional help — what this means is:
I’m expecting you to take whatever treatment I impose on you with no consequences whatsoever.
To which you should say,
“Nope. Try someone else. Bye, Felicia.”
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“Play hard to get!”
Women are so guilty of this.
And quite frankly, it’s exhausting and childish.
You’re either interested, or you’re not.
Playing hard to get shows you’re unsure of what you want and wastes the other person’s time.
If you know what you want, you should not feel ashamed.
In my years of meandering in the dating scene, I’ve found that high-quality men know what they want, which is why they don’t play games.
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“Boys will be boys.” (shrug)
What this says is,
“I know he did you wrong, but he will not be held accountable. Just sweep his misdemeanors under the carpet, smile, and pretend to be happy.”
And what do I say to this?
Yes, boys will be boys.
But boys don’t deserve women. Men deserve women.
So, let boys keep playing games, and one day when they’re done and have cleaned up their act, they may be ready for a relationship.
Women have no time for boys.
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“On your Last Night of Freedom, break all the rules!”
What a terrible thing to hear when you’re on the verge of getting married.
The way I see it, if you have to run wild or do some crazy stuff on your stag/hen night, you see marriage as a trap, and you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
Marriage isn’t bondage.
It shouldn’t be some bitter pill that you have to brace to swallow.
If that’s how it feels, then darling, you’re with the wrong person. Walk away. Fast.
It’s a chapter of life that you should look forward to because it should enhance your life, not take things away.
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“Hmm, he’s taking too long to propose? Get pregnant.”
I can’t with this one. I just can’t.
There’s something so grossly wrong with this picture and so much more that could go wrong.
Too many people end up hurt. Such a lousy foundation to get a marriage started.
Anything that stands on a wobbly foundation collapses at some point.
Don’t do it. Ever.
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“Have sex whenever he wants, even if you don’t feel like it.”
On the morning of her wedding, a mother told her daughter,
“Even if you don’t want to, have sex when he wants it. When they aren’t satisfied, they start cheating.”
Gross.
Women aren’t animals.
Sex is more than bodies coming together.
Sex is how you spoke to me this morning when leaving for work. It’s in the tone of the message you sent in the afternoon. It’s how you behave when I want to talk to you.
Sex is more emotional than physical.
To ask a woman to comply is to override her needs in order to fulfill yours. That’s what we call selfishness.
True intimacy means you won’t always get what you want, but you’ll still love her anyway.
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The person I was when I got married the first time is unrecognizable to the person I was when I entered marriage the second time.
Times had changed. I had evolved. And maturity had found me.
But, no matter how often we lose and find new love, one thing never changes.
The advice we get. It’s always coming.
We hand it down to generations like a trophy.
Only some of it is far from good, keeping us trapped in the cages of horrible marriages.
The worst part is that the pain we feel spreads to our kids.
So, please steer clear of the terrible advice above.
Run the other way. Remember, you’re a grown-up who can reject and draft your own opinion.
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If you enjoyed reading this, grab your copy of Relationships Truths: Everything You Wish You Knew About Love. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com