As leaders of organizations, we inevitably all face the difficult conversations that must be had when someone under our guidance goes out-of-bounds. Usually, these conversations are to reconnect with a valuable member of our team after having given them guidance regarding future behavior expectations. Seldom are these conversations easy due to the interruption in the relationship. Some leaders hesitate to have reconnection conversations due to the uneasiness that is present in the atmosphere while having them. However, we cannot avoid these conversations and maintain an optimal workspace. Accountability is necessary. Production depends on it.
Here are ten “Do’s and Don’ts” that will make reconnection conversations an easier transition so that the entire team can maintain their dignity, remain accountable, and reenter the workspace to fulfill their mission and bring success to the organization.
Do
- Connect on the relationship level first. This means we don’t immediately start the conversation focusing on what happened. Show an honest concern about the relationship. While people may have caused the problem, the mission is impossible without the people. Relationships are always more important than problems. Try beginning the conversation with, “I’m glad we get to talk…”
- Ask questions. This allows the conversation to move from the relationship to the behavior. Begin with an honest, “How are you?” and then guide the conversation by asking, “Can you tell me what I was worried about?” This approach shows care for both the person and the behavior. By requiring the offender to verbalize the worry, this is offering them the gift of accountability.
- Bridge the inappropriate behavior to a missing skill. This minimizes someone taking offense personally. Lead into this phase of the conversation with “I” statements so you can isolate missing behavior skills while at the same time showing empathy:
- “I can’t have overwhelming feelings and make good choices either…”
- “I struggle to be okay when others aren’t okay as well…”
- “I also struggle to do things I don’t want to or when things are difficult…”
- Voice a reentry strategy. A brief plan for how a return to the workspace and what making good choices looks like should occur. This enables you to outline expectations and allow the offender to voice those expectations. Try asking, “When you arrive in the future, what will I want from you?” Most people know what you desire. If they don’t, guide them, then have them tell you those expectations.
- Plan for ongoing connection with that team member to demonstrate that the relationship is more valuable than the behavior. Don’t leave this part out! Notify them, “Every now and then, I might touch base with you to ask about your skill mastery. We’ll celebrate your victories.”
- Ensure the conversation takes two to four minutes. Any longer will be perceived as a lecture. Lectures have never changed anyone. Partnering in a relationship does because it provides a personal reason to make needed changes.
- Encourage team building. Both people should feel better about their relationship moving forward because the difficult conversation was about how skill-development can help the team, not a personal attack on someone who has done something wrong.
Don’t
- Start the conversation with an immediate focus on behavior. While you might get your point across, you will have placed your teammate in a defensive position. This is toxic to your work atmosphere. So too is anger, sarcasm, and condescension.
- Lecture. Never lecture someone about being wrong. No one likes personal attacks, not even you.
- Do their work. Partnering with someone to teach accountability never means you work harder than they do to be accountable. Walk with them if they seek to improve. If they refuse, it might be time for a different conversation.
Part of the expectations of leadership are to be clear and concise with our instructions. If we are sure that we have made our expectations clear, then when one of our teammates is not meeting expectations, we should first assume it is due to a missing skill and not an adult inadequacy. By taking this approach, we help our staff become more vulnerable to seek support rather than avoid issues. We also introduce grace and accountability into the workplace this way, as our efforts are viewed as problem-solving and improvement rather than attacking another person. If we can lead our teams to think this way, our morale will improve, expectations will be met, and production will inevitably increase.
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