Thankful in the Moment

I fed little squirrel Rocky his favorite walnut snacks in the park. Standing 10″ tall, Rocky ate his snacks, holding them in his claws. He was so focused. As I usually do, I took photos of the Rock on my iPhone. Suddenly, Rocky gathered up his snacks in his mouth and ran over to bury them in the grass for later.

It was nearly winter. I got that Rocky stored food away for the impending cold weather. Although, we live in Torrance, California that was likely Rocky’s squirrel instincts. After storing his winter snacks, Rocky ran back. He stared at me from behind a tree. He was ready for more snacks.

I opened my hand with more walnuts. Rocky looked at me and walked up close. I laid his snacks on the grass. He picked them up with claws. Snack time was on. While eating his snacks, Rocky paused. He looked straight at me. Although the Rock is a squirrel, I got that he was happy. Maybe, he was thankful, too. Just saying.

Rocky showed me some love in his own squirrel way. I give Rocky walnuts. I give him kindness. Rocky eats his snacks and accepts my kindness. Rocky schools me to be kind and be quiet inside. We have a transactional friendship.

Rocky is present in the moment. Maybe, he’s thankful in the moment, too. The Rock is neither thankful for the past nor for what may happen next. He’s thankful in the present. Rocky wisely reminds me that I can be thankful for what I have in the present, too.

***

On the journey to fall madly and deeply in love, I’m not what women want. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. Other than an Act of God, I’m not growing taller, nor looking like Keanu Reeves. I’m good with I’m not good enough for women. Just saying.

I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. I don’t make myself wrong for not being good enough for women. There’s always someone better than I am. That’s life. I work on myself, not on others. I’m thankful for who I am. I’m open to the possibility of falling in love. Who knows? Maybe, lightning could strike.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Life is Yin and Yang, the balance of lightness and darkness. Aikido is my lightness. The late Mizukami Sensei was the father, who taught me to be a good man. What I missed from Dad, growing up. Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” He generated the space to be me and invent the greater-than versions of myself. Although Sensei is no longer on Planet Earth, he still stands by my side. He’s always in my heart.

In Aikido, I enter the attack and die with honor. Ishibashi Sensei says, “The safest place to be is under the attack.” Sensei says, “Apply the (Aikido) technique to yourself.” I apply the technique to myself, not to the attacker. Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I work on myself, not the attacker.

In my darkness, I enter what I fear and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although that fear inside may never completely vanish, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free me. I’m free to be myself. I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I find my measure of peace within me. That’s my lightness in darkness.

I write about loving and forgiving myself with my editor Li M Blacker on the Good Men Project. I suffered my abusive childhood and hated on myself for much of my adult life. In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. I just train on my path. I love and forgive myself. I guide others in looking within themselves, instead of blaming others, and find their own path to end suffering.

I may not find the great love of my life. That’s just life. I take life’s glancing blows for the possibility of falling in love. I open up. Keep my heart open. Keep moving forward. I’m thankful for what I have and for who I am. Something that little squirrel Rocky taught me. I’m thankful for that, too. Just saying.