The #1 Thing People Neglect to Do After a Painful Fight

Yes, I overreacted

I will be the first to say that I overreacted.

It was the latest incident of a long painful pattern that solely shifted form, but had remained the same… An agonizing block in our ability to deepen a relationship we both felt we couldn’t pull away from for long.

Logically, I understood why I was upset in the situation. But this incident threw me over the edge. Why did I feel so intensely upset this time?

That evening when I left his side, I was shaken. Not just by what had transpired to upset me so deeply, but I didn’t like how I had handled it.

I could excuse it. I could defend my actions. I could explain it away later with friends as I slyly slide the blame to him — part of which was justified.

But I had pulled the trigger far too quickly that night and the punishment did not fit the crime.

I was in the wrong.

I did not sleep well that night as I floated in a sleepless pool of regret and shame.

In the morning, I sent a message.

I told him that I was unsettled by how I had handled things the night prior. I said I would be taking the day to do some hard self-reflection. I was going to do some serious inner work so there would never be a repeat of the incident the night before.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I started thinking about exactly what had triggered me so deeply — and why.

I knew we had some major differences in our attachment styles, and it was clear that was at the root of many of our problems.

And so my research began. I found a book. An online class. A podcast.

And when we did reconnect several days later, I was able to share what actions I was taking to address my part of the problem to minimize or eradicate that reaction from happening again.

And that’s what most people skip.

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When a problem is a gift

It’s not just about saying you are sorry. It’s not just about hugging it out, or “letting it go” and pretending nothing weird ever happened.

Things linger. They stick to the insides of our souls like tiny icicles that harden our shell, leave us a bit more defensive and protective than before. No one sees it, but an aura of icicles can certainly be felt.

Problems between people are actually a gift.

Especially when they deeply trigger something within us.

They show us where we have something in us that we need to look at, the kind of things that must be healed or faced.

It may be insecurity or old trust issue. A sense of being unworthy or unloved. A childhood fear of abandonment. An inability to get too close or be vulnerable. A lack of self-love or poor boundaries.

If we are willing to face these things, we can break through them, put them to rest, and be less affected when the triggering event arises again.

It is possible. And your person is worth doing it for.

…

The icing on the cake

One thing kept popping up as I was working through my stuff. It was his accusation that I didn’t remember the good things. He argued that if he did one thing to upset me, it wiped out all the good credit he had built up.

Maybe he wasn’t entirely wrong on that. I was guilty as charged.

I often say that if you don’t do the small things right, nothing else matters.

You can buy your girlfriend dresses, pearls, and chocolates, and take her on trips to Italy, but if you never ask how her day was, or you turn your back on her anytime she’s having a rough time, the good things you do don’t matter in comparison.

I recognized that lately, I had not been doing a good job of acknowledging and celebrating the good things he was doing. I had felt so disconnected from him that I had begun withholding something that is usually very bonding with me and the man I am with.

So I took things a step further, and I “reset” my mind by writing him an extensive letter sharing all the beautiful things that I admire and appreciate about him. I got very specific, and it helped me reconnect with how phenomenal and unique this man truly was.

How to Make a Man Cry
The most touching, powerful gift I gave to my man.
medium.com

After I wrote the letter, I found myself reading it over and over… and my heart softened as I was reminded of how many things I cherished about him.

…

Reconnecting after the fight

The first night I saw him after the big fight, I could tell he was a bit hesitant with me. But my whole energy was different as I walked in his door.

I felt confident knowing that I was already taking big steps toward facing the wounds that got triggered. I was taking real action.

Not only had I take ownership of my part, but I took it a step further and committed to DOING something about it… I was actively working on addressing the very wound that had caused me to overreact a few days prior.

I had a long way to go, but I was already learning some things that I was putting into practice right away, and they were making a difference for me.

Instead of getting into a big discussion of revisiting the painful night we had, I was excited to share my initial epiphanies and realizations with him from what I was discovering.

And to top that off, I had a beautiful letter to hand him that touched his heart — and reminded me that yes, he was worth doing the inner work, even though it felt hard and overwhelming at times.

I am able to look back and think about what a blessing that night was when I totally mishandled the situation. It led me to a much more powerful place and while the journey of self-healing is never easy, it is 100% worth it. ❤

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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