What are the telling signs that your partner is cheating?

Very simple, honestly. As a confirmed adulteress extraordinaire, I was never caught, but I know how to hide my tracks. I teach OPSEC (how we cover up our shady shit). Adultery 101.

PAY ATTENTION TO:

1. THE PHONE. They will treat the phone like it has nuclear codes on it. It’s in their hand 24/7 or their pockets.
2. Shared passwords suddenly change. No more access to their devices. Ding a ling.
3. They become less affectionate. Pushing their spouse away is a telling tale.
4. Making more of an effort with their appearance. Ties into #5 below.
5. More focus on fitness. This ties into #4.
6. Wanting new clothes or underwear. Hello, cheater! They need to look their best, but not for you.
7. Walks away when having phone calls and wants to be out of earshot.
8. Ending calls right when they get home.
   “Who was that?”
   “No one.”
9. Staying in the car to finish a call.
10. Withdrawing cash for no reason. Debits that aren’t easily explained.
11. New sex moves. C’mon, this is beyond obvious that they are banging someone else.
12. Doesn’t want to participate in “couple” activities you both used to do together. Another no-brainer.
13. Stays later at work.
14. Finds a new friend group and starts going out without you a lot more.
15. Being mean or dismissive or short-fused or hostile or critical — usually, all of them, at the same time. Hello, new personality!
16. Mood swings. Direct correlation to #15. They are “too nice” and then “too mean.”
17. Flirting with others right in front of you.
18. Additonal “work phone” that you’ve never seen before.
19. Hard to get a hold of. They never answer when you call. They call or text back hours later.
20. Beware of “love bombers” who are ultra-sweet to cover their guilty conscience.
21. Body grooming. Changes to pubic hair are 100% from a new lover.
22. Wanting “time alone.” Another humdinger. That’s the siren song of an affair. Even I used the “time alone” excuse.
23. Deleting browsing history. I spent a lot of time doing this, lol.
24. They change normal routines — the calling card of adultery.
25. Not meeting your gaze. Averting their eyes when having a conversation.
26. Picking up new phrases that aren’t their normal.
27. Watching stuff on TV that you won’t like, so you leave the room.
28. Listening to new music.
29. Showering as soon as they get home.
30. Being automatically defensive.
31. Having more “guy getaways” or “ladies outings.”
32. Long trips to the bathroom.
33. Turning off location sharing (I refused to share in the first place, lol).
34. They are always trying to figure out where you are in order to time their arrival home. “When are you going to be home?” is on constant repeat.
35. The phrase, “He/She is just a friend!”
36. Taking more selfies.
37. Finding receipts that are unusual thrown in the garbage at home (this person is too dumb to cheat, lol).
38. Missing condoms from home (another idiot move) or suddenly taking birth control when they hadn’t before.
39. Newfound confidence. The Irony.
40. Smiling at their phone.
    That’s the tell-tale sign.

Trust your gut. If you think this is happening, it is.

It’s really easy to spot a cheater when they don’t cover their tracks. I aim to educate the heathens so they don’t get caught. Sometimes, they listen. Most of the time, they don’t. Usually, it’s not the big brain that’s thinking, haha.

If you have a “feeling” that something is off between you and your oh-so-guilty spouse, and you can’t pinpoint why, now you know.

GET THE FUCK OUT AND START OVER.