The Best Advice to Give Someone Going Through a Painful Breakup

One of the worst feelings you can experience is going through a painful breakup and searching for answers.

The days feel long, empty, and dreadful.

There’s a positive route to healing when you have helpful influences surrounding you that can provide a path forward.

Well, what about when you have the opportunity to be that influence, and you’re the person others turn to in turmoil?

We talk about what the person experiencing the pain should do, but we don’t talk about the proper advice and words of wisdom to provide as a friend.

The time is crucial because there is a small period that can make or break someone’s ability to heal in a quick and healthy avenue.

There is a truth that I have to share, and it might sound harsh. Sometimes, people give horrible advice because they want their friend to feel better ASAP.

I understand that you don’t want to see your friend go through a painful moment, but what you do in this moment can give them temporary happiness with long-term consequences.

We think recovery is all about the individuals involved in the dynamic, but your influence can have more effect than you would think is possible.

Get back on the horse

We are used to seeing our friend engaging in their relationship and consistently with someone.

When that ends, the polar opposite becomes the new norm, and you now see the version of your friend who is missing their partner.

There are two types of advice I see people provide, and one is helpful, but the other is destructive in the long term.

The bad.

Various studies show that it takes 3–6+ months to recover from a relationship that lasted over a year. The reason has multiple variables.

The emotional recovery cannot happen over days to weeks. A relationship is not just a unification of two people. It intertwines day-to-day lives that need repurposing.
Losing a long-term connection cannot be instantly replaced. There is a void that you shouldn’t instantly. Someone who has experienced a breakup does not have the emotional capacity to handle a new connection.
Spikes and valleys of dopamine hits are detrimental to long-term recovery. You cannot date to heal.

The good

It sounds counterintuitive to tell someone to remain alone, but it is the healthiest option.

You think about your friend, but you are not thinking about the damage in the process of them “dating to recover.”

Those short-term spikes will leave them feeling emptier and emotionally damaged than suggesting they take the time to heal and find the inner peace they need.

Lastly, don’t forget. No innocent bystander should receive a damaged, unhealed version of your friend and possibly be hurt.

Fight on

I hear a line from all the Disney fairy tales and the corny rom-com movies you see on TV.

If you care, then you should fight for the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. If you did something genuinely f***** up, then, yes, you should apologize and ask for forgiveness.

More often than not, the relationship ended due to normal circumstances: behavioral misalignment, love fading, or general indifferences.

The best advice you can give someone is to not fight against the decision their ex made.

I’ve written about it in previous articles (here), but no contact is the best method to move forward.

You have to realize something important.

It was not easy for someone’s partner to end the relationship. They did not wake up one day with malicious intent to hurt someone’s feelings and blindside them with the news. They had to think about how they would deliver the news while acknowledging the void it would place in their life.

When you don’t fight someone’s decision, it shows that you can listen to someone and respect their choice while simultaneously showing respect for yourself.

When you fight for the relationship, you are resetting the clock to recovery with every text you send, social media post you view, and attempt to reach out that you take.

The only way someone’s ex can come back is for them to make that decision for themselves.

Fake it until you make it

It’s good to surround yourself with friends and family in recovery mode. Remember, it is not supposed to distract them from what is happening.

Too often, I see people push and pull at their friends to come out, be social, and interact with people who care about them recovering.

I am on board with that!

Don’t try to push and pull them away from the pain they are experiencing.

The best way for someone to recover is to go through the emotional cycle and let their feelings hit so they can process, register, and transition out of it.

When we sweep feelings under the rug, they resurface at twice the rate of when they started. Okay, that’s not a hard-core fact or anything, but you get my drift.

Allow your friend the opportunity to go through the emotional cycle that comes from experiencing a breakup.

It is okay to be sad, angry, and feel lonely as long as you send the reminder that the emotion is temporary.

The best advice to give is the reminder that you are an outlet and that you are there for emotional support.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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