The Biggest Mistake Men Make With Women They Want to Pursue

Picture this: you’re the type of male women want to pursue them (or at least you are in your own imagination). You’re tall, dark (or at least evenly tanned), and handsome.

You have an amazing job that pays a great salary, know how to care for your loved ones, spend quality time with quality friends, and take great care of yourself physically.

You’re an avid reader of anything and everything self-improvement related, partake in yoga to keep your body limber, understand the importance of Feng shui in your dwelling place, and have a heart for children.

…

All of these intangibles land you your first date with a woman like the one pictured above. You’re excited, ecstatic even, and plan to put your best foot forward.

After texting back and forth for quite some time, you finally pick a date, time, and place for the initial meeting — 7pm on a Friday at a restaurant known for its ambience and romantic vibes.

A haircut and lineup are essential, as is picking out an outfit that says, “Hey, I like you, and I want you to like me too.” With that out of the way, you move onto taking a thorough shower, cleaning every nook and cranny after your late afternoon workout.

Cologne is imperative too. Something that, when inhaled, will blissfully intoxicate your love interest, making you seem like the irresistible male you hope to come across as.

Last but not least — making sure your vehicle is pristine. Believe it or not, women like a man who knows how to take care of his car. While you have no idea if she’ll ever sit in your vehicle, planning ahead never hurts.

In short, you put a lot of effort, more than the average male would, into your overall appearance and aura before the date, hopefully to guarantee a future meet-up.

…

You finally arrive at the chosen venue and take a seat. It bodes well for you that you arrived before she did. There’s nothing worse than making your date wait on you after you chose the date, time, and destination.

Conversation flows naturally between the two of you. As a man that pays attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues, it seems like she’s really interested in you.

You mention your affinity for kids, reading, your overall health, and the myriad of other positive qualities you possess that may make you stand out to her, all while becoming increasingly attractive.

In short, your “genuine game” appears to be working.

So you decide to take things to the next level. A bottle of vintage Riesling is ordered to go with your meal, loosening you both up even more.

She begins to talk more about herself, answering any and all of your questions, sometimes with a smile, other times with a coy demeanor.

You take that as a sign that you’ve hit a home run and invite her over to your place for a nightcap. Nothing inherently harmful about that, especially with the way the night has gone so far, right?

Wrong.

The entire vibe created during your meal deteriorates, prompting her to ask for the check. You ask if everything is okay, and she says she’s fine, but you know somehow, some way, she isn’t.

As you head up to the front register to settle your bill, you wrack your brain trying to figure out where you messed up but can’t.

Instead of her coming over for that nightcap, she thanks you for dinner. When you suggest meeting up again, she says she needs to think about it since her work and personal schedules are convoluted with tasks that need completion.

That’s the last time you ever hear from her. In the aftermath, you’ve officially been ghosted.

Why?

Because you made a pivotal mistake that all men make. Let me elaborate.

There’s no such thing as “out of your league”

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Once upon a time, I dated a girl that many thought was out of my league, meaning she was too attractive for me. She was a Southern belle model, appearing in various shoots modeling attire for the University of Arkansas.

I was a rail-thin, dark-skinned intellectual (the nice way to call myself a nerd) from Philly. In short, our relationship didn’t make sense to a lot of the people around us.

In the beginning, when I was getting to know her, I thought she was stuck up. In reality, she was protecting herself.

As an attractive female, she was used to guys hitting on her. Most of them lacked genuine intentions, meaning all they wanted to do was sleep with her. It didn’t help that she also had negative preconceived notions about what black guys are like.

I had a steep mountain to climb just to get her to view me as a person, but I made it happen. How? For starters, by not objectifying her. I never made things about sex at the beginning.

Once she let her guard down some, I made it a point to showcase my whole personality. I’m a lot like the fictitious male archetype I crafted at the beginning of this article.

After that, all I did was remain patient while staying on my p’s and q’s. What does that mean? It means I never gave her a reason to doubt my intentions. Consistency is key after all.

Three months later, she became my girlfriend. Like I mentioned above, it didn’t look like we belonged together to most outsiders, but we made our relationship work.

She even told me she looked for a reason to cut me off but found none, leading to mixed feelings at first. In the aftermath, however, things went well for me and us.

And while that relationship didn’t stand the test of time, it lasted fourteen months, something I’m proud of to this day for various reasons; chief of all, it taught me how not to act as a man.

The biggest mistake men make with women they want to pursue

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Simply put, the biggest mistake I’ve seen men make is obvious — they make things about sex WAY TOO SOON.

Believe it or not, women want to have sex too. It’s one of the few things we all want as a society. They crave physical intimacy with the right person, with emphasis on the right person. It can’t be just anyone.

This includes women who actively participate in “hookup culture,” also known as casual sex. Based on the women I know and have talked to about this sensitive subject, they want — NEED — to feel valued and safe first.

Being treated like less than a person (which usually manifests itself as being treated like a piece of meat) is a major turn-off to them. Their need to feel valued and safe is part of why they usually wait longer than men to jump into the sack with anyone.

Final Thoughts

Women care about the kind of person you are. They care about what kind of personality you have. Not only that, they’ll scrutinize every aspect of who you are with the utmost detail, usually in an attempt to write you off as another bad apple.

Don’t give them more reasons to look at our gender as repulsive. Take your time getting to know them. Under no circumstances should you make things about sex.

Let them be the ones to initiate that aspect of your relationship. While it may take longer than you’d expect, or if you were the one initiating it, it’s definitely more worthwhile.

You may even find yourself with someone out of your league, ready and willing to “hit that home run.” I know it may sound backward, but take it from someone who’s been there, done that.

Women want men who make it clear that they’re sexually interested without appearing to value that over other forms of intimacy. If you can play the long game, it’ll benefit you in the long run.

Hope this all helps.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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