The Cost of Growing up Without a Village

In most indigenous cultures around the world, the youth undergo a rite of passage that signifies their transition into adulthood and the responsibilities that come with that. For girls it happens naturally to a large degree, even in our culture – the start of their menstrual cycle, as well as childbirth, marking dramatic physical change as well as shifts in responsibility and focus. For our boys, not so much.

In many tribes, adolescent boys will undergo an intense and symbolic process of being torn away from their mothers, separated from the community and put through some form of ordeal. A challenge, or vision quest, often over long periods and involving intense physical pain which, if they succeed, leaves no doubt of their transition into manhood. The suffering they experience expands what they believe they are capable of holding and shows them that they are now, undoubtedly, a man.

Their return and integration with the tribe often comes with some form of ceremony where they will take up their new role in service of the community. Sometimes, this role is given to them in the form of a vision as part of their rite of passage. Other times, it might be bestowed upon them. Either way, they now relinquish the carefree, self-exploratory life of a child and take up their role for the good of the tribe.

Defined rites of passage are almost non-existent in our culture, and I don’t think it would be unfair to say that we have a largely adolescent population as a result, right across the age range. Yet I wouldn’t say it’s completely a bad thing, because it’s in the phase of youth when we have that carefree, self-focused attitude of exploration, finding out what we’re good at, or how we can interface with the world, that all growth and evolution happens. There’s a reason that many indigenous tribes haven’t really changed in thousands of years – they preserve their way of life by turning their youth around and into service at a young age.

I would argue that in no small part, we have experienced unbridled growth and technological advancement because these rites have died off. At the same time, I think we’re beginning to realise that we’ve also suffered by losing them altogether. Without a process for turning ourselves around in order to maintain and serve our communities, they have crumbled. We’re living in a world more lonely, isolated and disconnected than ever, while so many people are focused purely on personal gain, often believing it’s normal to not have a tight-knit, loving community around you. When I see phrases like “It’s lonely at the top” to justify hustle culture like this, I despair.

So much of the suffering we’re witnessing in the world is perpetrated by people who have become isolated and remain self-focused, often through their own trauma or distorted upbringing, who feel justified in chasing personal success no matter the cost and impact to anyone else. The saddest thing is they don’t know any better.

There’s an African proverb I often reference, that says:

“The child who doesn’t feel the embrace of the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

It’s community that holds us together, that supports us when we’re struggling, that provides security, that brings opportunity for deep connection and understanding, and that brings meaning and purpose to our work and contributions. When we chase personal success without it being guided by how we can best serve those we care for, we’re really no more than wounded children trying to prove to the world that we don’t need anyone else.

I believe this is the most urgent problem of our time – to find ways to rebuild and reconnect our communities, and begin orienting ourselves around how we can use our youthful experiences of the world in service of the people closest to us. To work for the greater good. Stronger communities take so many of our other modern day problems off the table without spending a penny. It takes courage to reach out and start a conversation with someone new, but the village can only be rebuilt one relationship at a time.

I really do believe that rebuilding tight-knit communities would solve so many of the problems we’re facing in the modern world. That’s why I’ve recently started collating examples of best practices in living regeneratively, sustainably, and in community, from around the internet. You can find these at instagram.com/tribe.of.us . If you know of any more examples you think I should know about, please do send them across.

Thanks for reading.

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This post was previously published on Embrace Everything and is republished on Medium.

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