Why we need a more balanced masculine / feminine world…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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We are living in revolutionary times that future historians will undoubtedly say rivals or surpasses that of the civil rights movement and the social / sexual revolution of the ‘60’s. No more is this apparent than the social maelstrom of our current presidential politics in the U.S. It has become abundantly clear that the old ways, governed by paternalistic drive for dominance (benevolent or otherwise), are being existentially challenged by the rising tide of insistence on authenticity, compassion and collaboration. One way to look at this is the emergence of the feminine, not as a replacement for the overt masculine, but rather as its complementary balancing force. As a species, this couldn’t come too soon for I believe our very survival depends upon it…
Repression of the Feminine
Globally speaking, most cultures are still highly paternalistic. As a result of the work I do I have realized that many men, especially those in positions of authority, are literally fearful of feminine sexual energy. We see extreme examples of this in certain cultures that repress women by dictating what they can and cannot wear or do and how to appear in public. And in some cases, wholesale female genital mutilation is sanctioned as a sick attempt to snuff out the very source of that energy. In more developed Western cultures, it shows up as fear and hatred of anything other than the heteronormative, and sexual objectification and debasement of women for the purpose of male gratification served with a side of contempt. The more attractive a woman is, the more her other attributes will be scorned, no matter how great they may be. Clearly, not all men behave this way, but far too many still do.
I’m neither an anthropologist or sociologist, however here’s my take on why this is still so prevalent. Most males are designed by nature to react strongly, even to the point of almost losing control, when in the presence of female sexuality. This sense of “losing control” is scary for the male psyche, one that is wired for survival purposes to seek dominance in all situations. Yet merely being in the presence of an attractive woman can cause the strongest of men to become weak in the knees. Unfortunately, they sometimes do lose control and allow themselves to express their need for dominance in the form of sexual abuse. Abuse that can arise as preying on the weak or young, regardless of gender or relationship. It is rare indeed that women are found guilty of the same kinds of abuse, and when they are it is likely because they are exhibiting an out-of-control male energy.
Most males are designed by nature to react strongly, even to the point of almost losing control, when in the presence of female sexuality.
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This is very ancient wiring that was appropriate for the propagation of our species, but is now getting in the way of the next stage of our evolution. And that stage is the celebration and elevation of the feminine in *all* of us (women and men) and the nearly unlimited sexual / creative / compassionate energy it can manifest. I truly believe that enabling the full expression of the feminine is crucial for our collective survival and thriving as a species.
The Decline of the Alpha Masculine
I use the term “Alpha Masculine” instead of the more common “Alpha Male” to underscore the fact overtly masculine qualities can show up in either gender. While it is true that most Alphas are male, there are females, typically in positions of power, that manifest these tendencies as well. Ironically, even militant feminism can be considered as an expression of alpha masculinity. This not a gender issue but rather an “energy” issue. Overt masculinity tends to be expressed in terms of force, dominance, intolerance and subjugation of others, primarily to protect its own needs. What our culture often perceives as strength, is ultimately the most cowardly of acts –forcefully or surreptitiously putting one’s own interest ahead, and at the expense, of others. The strong eat the weak. Something, according to the “strong”, has always been and will always be. Yet, the one glaring fatal flaw to this world view is that, by definition, there can only be a few at the top. And the many below can, and eventually will, wake up to shake up. A phenomenon I believe we are witnessing now.
What our culture often perceives as strength, is ultimately the most cowardly of acts –forcefully or surreptitiously putting one’s own interest ahead, and at the expense, of others.
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However, the Alpha Masculine is not going out without a fight (naturally). And it is so ironic that our current political drama illustrates two outsiders who are shaking up the status quo for similar reasons but in two completely opposite ways. One is the very epitome of the Alpha Male, the other is clearly someone who has learned to balance both his masculine (getting things done) and feminine (compassion, creativity and collaboration) energies. Fortunately, (for all of us), our newest adult generation appears to overwhelmingly eschew the former in favor of the later.
A Grass Roots Revolution to End All Others
For this decline to be successful, we need to see a shift at the individual level on a global scale. This means each one of us fully embracing the beauty and strength that comes with accepting and welcoming the feminine and masculine we each carry within. The inherently destructive Alpha Masculine (be it an individual, political system or ideology) cannot survive in a sea of self-actualized humanity that has acknowledged and encouraged both energies to flourish and complement each other.
It will take some time, perhaps several generations. However, once this has happened, the cycle of repression, domination and reset-revolutions will finally come to an end. And we can thank the integration of the feminine in all of us for showing the way.
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image: DepositPhotos.com
Can maybe squeeze a dime between us on that I think.
Likewise inspiring, Michael.
Loved your passion and thoughtful response D.J. –we are only as far apart as a subtle refinement of semantics will allow –thank you for your authenticity and integrity –a great demonstration of conscious masculinity as I’ve seen on this site.
Take care Brother…
What I did to help me decipher “masculinity” was to not look at war or leadership, but dating. I look at the two most iconic male examples in dating: the bad boy, and the nice guy (the simple mind tends to simplify the complex!). The bad boy possesses all of the strengths of the whole masculine man, the nice guy all of the softness, but neither is a feminine side to me, just the two distinct aptitudes of masculinity. With that, I was able to unravel one of the most notorious of mysteries in the dating world: Why women say… Read more »
I’m going to voice contention to this assertion, but I will first state (preemptively) that I believe Mike is a good man, heart in the right place, and I appreciate his willingness to wade into all this muck in an attempt to find answers. I do not part ways on the end result at all, but as I do with many here, the understanding and process…and the title, which, to me, is a further example of how we have all ingested much of gender feminists dictates about men and masculinity. In absorbing this my mind wandered to the most vile… Read more »
I really loved this piece Michael. Thank you for writing it. In the beginning of your piece you said: “One way to look at this is the emergence of the feminine, not as a replacement for the overt masculine, but rather as its complementary balancing force.” That’s really the key. Being able to understand that we are not threats to each other but that we balance each other. We are not always the same. We shouldn’t try to be exactly the same. But we should all be equal. And that every man and women have their own balance of masculine… Read more »
So true and well said Erin –and thank you for having the courage to add your 2-cents 🙂
Chiming in as the only female on this thread…seems vulnerability and softness are going to be a problem if you have to, oh, I don’t know, shoot someone or run a bayonet through them or drop a bomb on a city. Fortunately, most men will not have to do any of these things, and aggressive impulses can actually do harm when they’re expressed in a relatively modern and safe cultural setting. I see men all around me doing amazing personal work to practice vulnerabilty, which I don’t see as “feminine” but as a quality we all possess that can be… Read more »
er, NOT more enacted by men
True, true Malissa. More enacted by men, but not masculinity. That is where my opinion both falls in line with Mike, and also separates. I’m going to try to explain here in a few minutes
The remainder of your statement is also very astute, in my opinion.
Ironically, even militant feminism can be considered as an expression of alpha masculinity. But what I don’t find ironic as hypocritical, is that militant feminism are viewed nowhere near as negatively as men who express some of the very same traits or perform the same actions. Think about it. A woman that gets physically violent with a man after he says something rude to her is celebrated and there is complaint when she is charged. On the other hand when a man gets physically violent with a man or a woman after they say something rude to him is considered… Read more »
Actually Danny, I can honestly say I see both as being the same regardless of the gender that perpetrates the violence. Without a doubt, our culture has a bias of blaming male violence. Violence is violence regardless of the gender. This is why I chose the gender-neutral distinction of “Alpha Masculine” to address this very issue.
“Men need and want women and women need and want men that’s the circle of this whole life ” Them there are fighten words in these here parts. I reckon you aint been here before?
Kinda kidding about that but not so much
Back in the day, I notified a family that their son/brother, a gunship pilot, had been killed in Laos. I kept up with the family–the responsibility doesn’t end when you get off active duty–and am in contact with the guy’s younger sister. Each year, on The Day, she posts a pic on Facebook with his medals and a folded flag. I was in a position which included notification and survivor assistance instead of being in Viet Nam–my original orders– because my brother had been killed overseas six months earlier. It has never occurred to me to do something on Facebook… Read more »
I’m an “alpha” male who grew up with alphas. We competed on everything and it pushed us to excellence. A 99 on a test was never good enough. 8% body fat, better hiit the gym lard a**. It’s tiring being an alpha make so we don’t hang out with each other anymore. There is a cost to be paid to be alpha. I understand and agree there needs to be moderation. BTW: 2 guys I grew up with went to elite schools and suffered nervous / stress break downs. One was on a research team that isolated a protein. He… Read more »
People moved society forward. People from both sexes. Men need and want women and women need and want men that’s the circle of this whole life. Only when we as an entire species stop dividing things up into I did this and they did that will we realize our full potential as human beings. It’s amazing to me how we are the only species on the planet so stuck in gender issues and what’s appropriate for whom. I’ll continue to embrace all of my emotions and celebrating everything that makes me a man. And in doing that I’ll be a… Read more »
“And in some cases, wholesale female genital mutilation is sanctioned as a sick attempt to snuff out the very source of that energy ” Is therany place where that’s still legal as opposed to infant mgm, which was started to curb masturbation in many areas (would that be controlling male sexuality by chance?) “It is rare indeed that women are found guilty of the same kinds of abuse, and when they are it is likely because they are exhibiting an out-of-control male energy.” I would suggest that there are other reasons that women are rarely found guilty which have nothing… Read more »
It’s interesting Richard that you equate “vulnerability and authenticity” with weakness. That somehow those qualities diminish a man’s ability to get things done, and yes, defend to the death when necessary. Just so we are clear here, I define “vulnerability” as the willingness to drop one’s emotional protective armor, not physical armor. And “authenticity” as the willingness to show up exactly as you are, no pretense or airs. It takes courage to do both and together they are the very opposite of being shut-down –a very common malady in today’s world. I know many men who are both vulnerable and… Read more »
Excellent description Michael. I think we’re getting somewhere in this discussion.
I think this article is spot on. I believe the problem Tom has with this article is that he believes it insults masculinity in general, including all the characteristics he believes to be decent and constructive. One of the problems with the movement of gender equality is that definitions are not made clear, and people, as they are wont to do, pick sides and get defensive (and sometimes, offensive). I understand Tom’s defensiveness. Since its inception, the movement towards gender equality has been defined by feminists. In the process, whether feminism has meant to or not, men and masculinity have… Read more »
Paul, I can understand what you’re saying and to some degree, I agree. My issues are not limited to the negative connotations of masculinity (alpha male) but more importantly applying “feminine” to any attributes of any male. There is no feminine male traits, they are ALL male traits.
Just ones not normally valued Tom. Since that’s so they are hidden from view. You said you cried at your daughter’s wedding. Fair enough. An outlet of emotion that culture thinks sweet. Look at the marine publicly humiliated because he cried in captivity by the Iranians. NotNot so sweet they said. Weak was why they published it.
You said what I was trying to get across very well. ThankThank you. I’m not denigrating masculine energy at all. Just the part that causes all sorts of chaos for no damned good reason except to benefit generally the one using it. Add El chaps to the alpha male negative list.
How many countries, cultures, economies and tribes has the Queen of England laid to waste?
Let’s cut the crap of Feminine = GOOD / Masculine =BAD
Mark, you said “Their experience is anything but alpha masculinity will most likely get them killed.” What do you have to base this on?
Also said “much of this energy has been very destructive to all of us.” examples, not opinions please?
Ok. I’m assuming that your clients in social work come from mean streets. Let’s have them work on finding compromise and see how far that gets them. MaybeMaybe that was another blog, but you’ve said it enough I understand. Examples of destruction. Mongol hordes, khan was an alpha. So was Hitler in psyche. Some guys get a bit of disrespect in their eyes and go ballistic. Mao was an alpha. About 10 million Chinese found out he wasn’t warm and fuzzy. The asshat in North Korea is an alpha. Many of the kkk were alphas. How many do you want… Read more »
And all of this argumentative debate is primarily from social conditioning. I understand all your points. They all have validity. Tom’s clients bristle at feminine aspects to integrate. Their experience is anything but alpha masculinity will most likely get them killed. Richard’s talks about how the species got moving at least to this point on male energy. Archy’s point on sexuality attraction is seen and heard every single day. However. Like Michael said , much of this energy has been very destructive to all of us. That you can’t deny. So could we moving forward still retain that productive male… Read more »
Well put Mark –thank you.
Same old song, part deux. Tom. He heard “hate” and “anger” because these are disreputable. And when encountering a reasoned argument, he’s left with labeling the argument something disreputable. No other options. Three towns in Holland have renamed streets after my father’s division (104th ID TImberwolves). They’re now Timberwolfstraat. Due to the magic of Google Earth, my father was able revisit those streets several years before they died. On youtube is a home video of the renaming ceremony in Achtmal. It was when the remaining Timberwolves were young enough to travel. Interesting that a bunch of young guys were standing… Read more »
If women want men to be less masculine, they need to stop choosing the more masculine men over those who show more vulnerability. Men are not going to stop being “alpha-masculine” or whatever when it harms their chances of finding a partner. It’s pretty common knowledge I would think, that showing vulnerability to a woman can too often lead her to being turned off and may even kill a relationship. A lot of women are attracted to confidence and stability, a man who is a protector and a man such as that has no room to be sensitive, vulnerable, etc… Read more »
Tom. It’s the same old song. The alpha male destructive has caused more trouble. When you line something up, somebody has to be in first place. As was said about “Lucifer’s Hammer”, feminism is over one millisecond after impact. Or, as one feminist writer–who disagrees with much that’s going on–said, let’s see feminism and women in general if every man took the same three days off work. It’s the forceful, pro-active male who’s got us living in houses instead of caves. But some people think this is some kind of universal constant that just showed up and can’t ever fail.… Read more »
I hope they print it.
Here we go again with the “masculine v feminine.” What is so hard to understand that a man can have a full range of emotions, talents characteristics and still be completely male? Can still be Alpha. Who decided that any emotion, feeling, or thoughts are attributed to a feminine trait in any way shape or form? I’m also tired of people characterizing any aspect of an alpha male as “inherently destructive.” I am an alpha male and I have a full range of emotions that I discern when and where to bring them out. Ya want men to feel comfortable… Read more »
Tom –I am completely male and have exhibited a lifetime of alpha qualities in terms of leadership. And, I assure you I am very, very comfortable in my own skin as many other men I know who have integrated both their masculine and feminine sides. First of all, this article refers to the Alpha “Masculine” not alpha male and in the overt sense, with a given proclivity for “… force, dominance, intolerance and subjugation of others, primarily to protect its own needs.” Also, I wasn’t telling anyone to do anything –merely making an observation –your comments however are quite directive… Read more »
I took nothing personal at all. I’ve worked with adolescent males for more then 15 years now and in those years a large part of that work included getting these boys to recognize the wide range of emotions, talents, abilities they have within them. All of which were clearly accepted as male traits. The angry “tone” you picked up on in the few sentences was in fact not anger at all. You just stereotyped me by viewing my emotions as being “anger” and ignored any possibility of other emotions. In fact my feelings are of sadness and anxiety. Sadness came… Read more »